Somewhat Better Therapy

I went to another therapist, Dr. Mahmood, who thought I was an idiot. Not to the severity of the therapists before who supposed everything I said is crap, though they do a noble job of hiding their thoughts.

This Doctor is the one I went to while registering in front of his students :/. I haven’t talked about this one, just the students in his vicinity. Nothing much to talk about the first visit though. Continue reading

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Can you stop?

People *crashing* against one another

Your entire community — however you define that; your hometown, your neighborhood, your family, your colleagues — is guaranteed to read your blog tomorrow. Write the post you’d like them all to see.

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  1. You wouldn’t have made fun of people, if you didn’t need to feel better about yourself. Get your sh*t together, I f*cking see through you.
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  2. Love yourself. Read #1

That’s it. It’s hard to love yourself, I get that. But you need not be so obnoxiously loud about your lack of self-love.

People have bigger problems than finding out who is emotionally-broken enough to target to bandage ego-wounds. Hence…

Can we accept people for who they are? Can you be quiet about your ego when you’re around others? (Or better, start working on your problems instead of  worshiping stigmas) Real people out are committing suicide for people like you.

Can you stop? Would you stop, dear ones? Would you treat yourself as a dear one? Hurting others isn’t the way to feel better.

The change starts with yourself.

Image: Paul Militaru

Feeling better

There’s something wrong with me. Kt’s good that once I feel emotions like I did a while ago, I feel them to their full extent. After thousands of drops of tears (I may be hyper=-something-izing here) I got better. At least, I think so. Or not.

There’s a part of me that wants to detach from reality and makes me “forget” things, IMO. It feels now like the thing with Mom didn’t even happen when a while ago it was eating me up. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism thing.

I am now kind of back to my silly being, a little. Or maybe I have Multiple Personality Disorder? 😮 I hope not, I don’t want any more problems. No, I probably don’t have that.

It’s been that way, it gets a little like, “Wow, I am still here like…breathing. Woooowwww Maaannn……”. OK, that wasn’t how I meant to say it, but….it gets forgotten is what I meant. I feel it but it gets blocked and the silly me is getting all around it :/

OK, sighing off. May the Mons be ever in your Mon-Favor (and anything else that sounds ….Mon)

Bloggie Reconishion Awadaaa

Whooptidooop. I got recognized :’) In all my life, I am finally…..*dies*

Thanks a lot to Jen and Amy for *recognizing* me :’) 😀

I started blogging without any idea of what would happen. I thought I would just write a shitty first post and then get lost in the web. But it didn’t turn out as that, y’all, since y’all are reading. Y’all are reading, right? Y’all? Continue reading

How I think Abuse Takes Place…..

These are ways I think bad people target good people. 😦 Make sure you don’t catch up with these people 😦

Stage One: They target the person with a low sense of reality.

There are people who can see abuse as it is. AND there is the person who, because of his/her own past abuse causing his/her low self-esteem to mess with their sense of reality of what’s right or wrong for their worth, ends up as the target.

The abuser of the past convinced this person they were deserved for the abuse and pain. Hence, the victim grew up thinking everyone is essentially a good person (and abusers abuse for their own good) and that he/she can heal everyone with their kindness. And that everyone will appreciate their efforts and give back at least a little (for the immense amount of love they, in reality, deserve). This is how victims are often pained by the the frequent, “How could they be so mean?” personality too.

Stage Two: They Pamper them

They make sure this person has a false sense about the abuser being a good person who loves loving. Who appreciates that person. Even though abusers don’t have time for empathy but to fulfill that neurotic need to be in power and receive “supplies”, they  need to make their target believe they’re anything but that. And to start doing that, the simplest thing they start with is giving gifts, compliments, etc

Stage Three: They Make themselves the Victim

blue-stem-by-caseymitchell1.jpg

Image by caseymitchell

Tell them the broken 50-shades of fucked up you are (Yes, I believe Christian Gray is an Abuser :P). How you were abused as a child and could only heal with the love that person can give you. How women are fucking things up by getting raped because it is their own damn fault for wearing tight clothing (OK, you know what, this one sounds too obvious for them to label you an attention-whore fast). This way abusers gain sympathy from them as the People-Pleasers sees them as a “poor wilting flower” that needs “watering”.

Stage Four: They convince the targets that they’re mental.

No one can be perfect. And a bad man can let loose sometimes. So how do bad people get away with their bad-ness? Every time the target accuses them of the wrong, which they obviously did, the abusers mess with them, “I don’t recall doing anything like that,”, “No, you’re talking about someone else,’ “I am only doing it for you,”. “It was simply a joke!”, “You are such a cry-baby!” “It’s because I have an addiction to….” etc etc.

Stage Five: They Guilt Trip them

They tell the targets of all the “good” things they did for them (Read: Stage Two). How they can’t heal without them if the Pleasers don’t give their love back to them. How much money they spent for their gifts, only because they “love them”.

I mean, people-pleasers aren’t worth Abuser’s honesty (unless it helps them to their own advantage) So, Abusers ignore all the patience the Pleasers expended to live with them. How the Pleasers give back to the smelly a-hole the Abusers. So how do Abusers deal with not having the upper hand?

They just make the Pleasers forget about the good they did for you. I mean, if they knew their worth and the reality of the situation to begin with, they wouldn’t have chosen the Abuser anyway. And the abuser knows what makes the victim tick. No one can know people more than these people, in my opinion.


I was inspired to write this article after reading a lot of articles where there was an obvious abuse but women seemed to make excuses for those people :I I just saw the numerous amount of such women and thought I could help them out. Female abusers are real too (mine was female).

Vulnerability #6

To write. Well…brain-dump to be more….whatever.

I thought I would write this series tomorrow, but I just wanted to write. I was chatting with Anne and while I was talking about my problems, I suddenly felt the need to cry. But I hid my tears because Mom was around.

Ever since I have admitted to myself that what Mom did was wrong, I started to feel better. I remember certain incidences in my childhood when Mom beat me. But do you know what? Ever since I was 12, it didn’t feel as occasional. The abuse I mean. I have always had this hatred for Mom. And when someone tells me what Mom does is for the best, I want them to choke up on two kilograms of the OCD I deal with.

Yeah, OCD feels like something is choking you and you have to do sh*t to get rid of it. But it doesn’t really do. The more you give into the compulsions, the more OCD grows. Cool, right? :I Super cool that when you get anxious and you try hard to get rid of this feeling but compulsions make it worse. And yet you can’t stop yourself for the temporary relief from the compulsions which makes it an even more permanent problem.

I haven’t been writing about happy silly things. And I don’t want to. I just think this blog will spread negative to everyone who reads it. So, if you’re a really positive person who hates negativity, you have to take a break from reading my blog because I don’t feel not-crappy. That’s why I started this series.

I didn’t want to share such delicate parts of my mind on a blog. I wanted to make this blog the one place in my life where only happy and silly things happen. And every times I post an article on this series, it makes me think, “Really Mon? Do you like filling this place with the same old same old?” Which makes me think about another thing; I have updated a gratitude journal. Yeay. I think I will make a Happy Sh*t Category for all the happy sh*t in my life. Happy crap! Whoot! Whoot! We all want that don’t we? HAPPY CRAP!

Many people take the “You can’t say ‘Happiness’ without saying ‘Penis'” sh*t way too seriously here :I. Or they are right. Survival of the fittest. I think the only reason women fell back is because of the lack of physical fitness and strength. Just look what a simple thing can do. But it’s always been that way in nature. Survival of the penis….I mean fittest. Gosh, that was hilarious! Anyhow, back to the matter..Of course, now it’s survival of the dude-with-academic-degree fittest..est?

Happiness. It sounds funny. Penises. That sounds funny too. Vagina sounds very serious, it’s like the name of a serious and nagging elderly woman, I don’t know, I am just posting my thoughts as they come here, 90% of the time.

I guess my writing gets silly one way or another. I love silly sh*t. I love that asshole, that silliness asshole. That makes no sense,  but I won’t edit that asshole sentence. Assholes are such assholes, indeed. Shit-hole. Mouth-hole? Ear-hole? Oh, that reminds me of a conversation I had. The font in blue is by another person.

How does a fourway occur?

“I won’t tell, sorry. I don’t want to corrupt that little head of yours.”

“Do they get it inside other people’s noses? And their ears as well?”

:’D

Funny that I got from assholes to…never mind. This doesn’t sound fun anymore.

OK, I won’t look back. Oh right. Abuse.

So as I accepted more about the abuse I went through, which I don’t remember much about but my subconscious makes me angry at Mom anyway since I was 12. There’s one part that says “Mom didn’t abuse you” and another part says, “She Abused. A LOT. And I hate her”. Well, whatever. Mom says she didn’t. She said she NEVER hurt me and yet she hurt me just recently.

Do you know (probably not) ever since I was nine I had always fantasized about being apologized to? Yes, you read that right. I still think about someone who realized their wrong and apologized to me. But I was WORTHY of being apologized to in my sick fantasy too. In this fantasy I had a good job; I was well-liked; unique; Extremely physically strong (Do I want to be masculine to keep up with society?); Prettier—> everything I want and in my fantasy, someone realized my worth and apologies to me.I find that idea very comforting because my whole life I felt pretty pathetic and like the things that happened to me, the hurt that happened to me, was nothing. But my subconscious doesn’t remember this “nothing” I force on myself; It remembers every f*cking little thing. And it makes me day-dream about being valued enough to get an apology for the things that happened.

In this series, I open my heart more; I will share some of my deepest thoughts. I will put these in the rants categories 😮 These will be a bit messy as I share my thoughts as they come. This will be my totally imperfect, vulnerable side other than the happy bubbly person you guys see, that’s also a part of me, but this is the secret (not so secret anymore) part of me. Please don’t judge, these are simply my thoughts expressed openly. If you don’t like them, what are you doing here?