❤ Me 2 ❤ U (POEM)

I wrote a poem about how it’s hard to love someone (who loves you back) when you can’t love yourself; the feeling that something has to be wrong with the other person if they see something in you that’s beautiful.

Love Me to Love U

The enigma of you seemingly independent of love.

I am curious to study.

 you don’t need a girl like me to be so happy.

But still, what if

you did?

[Rain starts to drizzle]

Drip. Drip. Drop.

Waiting for my bus

you’re sitting in my spot as you

caught me stealing another

hopeless glance at you.

I shiver into my mufflers looking away, again.

And then you straightened your legs, muddy leaves crackled under you

Rising with your fiery presence

overwhelming the wet ambiance

as you take two long, easy strides..towards me.

Towards me!

Unsure what your eyes are telling. Now I can’t look away.

Now I can’t look away.

Are you about to say something?

Oh no, you’re talking.  To me

Wait. What did you just say?

You want to take me out?

You always wanted to?

Why!? I have to say something.

And I said something, but I didn’t hear myself saying it.

Okay. I..it’s just …it’s been so hard and difficult for me.

You’re listening. You’re nodding.

Your mysterious look turned soft, now sad.

You sure about this?

Good Lord.

You don’t have a sense

of what “special” is

if you’re into someone like me.

[Back at home, trying to sleep]

Why would you

hold up a mirror

my reflection looking back,

MY reflection staring back.

As you confessed your affection for this.

You think it can get a chance at love.

This  looking back with terror at me

in the mirror.

That this me…

No, just, this.

That this

is okay to love?

I don’t want you anymore, there must be something

pathetic about you too.

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Imperfection

Imperfection

Mon is fat and feels bad like

she’s gonna get your sympathy strike

And like this, Mon deals.

Then again self-love feels…

 so unlike.

This one took a lot less time to write than the previous ones 😀 Did you feel sad for me? 😥 Did you? How could you not!? C’mon I don’t love myself! 😥

Life Update: Relaxed Improvement.

One thing I love about myself is how I try to be gentle with myself. My anxiety disorder gets in the way and I try so hard. I try to respect myself. I try to not go hard on myself. Whenever I am mentally capable of doing so. I don’t give myself enough credit for that. I am too bogged down by how fast the “results” are coming, how successful am I enough to credit my hardwork. I am not always gentle with myself, but every night when I go to bed, I try speaking gently, softly and nicely to myself. I do this as an exercise, y’all know I am married to myself now right 😉 I try and try. I have been trying the last seven years and I am still not giving up. Now that I say it like that, it does seem like a big accomplishment 😮 Oh it is.

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Rant

I feel a little silly but sad too. I tried studying. I ended up not studying. I was turning the pages of the book and got stressed out. It was before Mom criticized me about how I would have to work as a servant for Aunt if I didn’t study. And me being a hurt, snarky daughter, “Oh, well. Could you help me over when I am working there? Like assist me?” And she was all, “Ooooohhhh, no. You ain’t gettin’ my help”. “Fine, Auntie will help me to learn to cook,” I countered. Seriously, it’s so stupid. But I was hurt. So I went to study. That’s probably what prompted me to study, fear of disappointing.

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Suicide Hotline

Suicide Hotline. I got on the phone with a lady. She was nice. She made me realize a lot of things. Why I couldn’t share my problems with anyone. I had one friend who gave up on me even though I helped her a lot. I have another who is a manipulator but I don’t know if I can trust. My family is sick. Dad doesn’t allow me to have “play-dates” because he thinks Mom will cheat with my friend’s fathers. My Mom thinks everything she does from scolding to beating me is justifiable. And my grandmother and Aunts are somewhat of dummies because I know if I share my problem, they will share it with the next person around them. I had no choice but to call this hot-line.

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Skype + Pikachu.

Yeah. I like skyping bloggers even though it’s terrifying initially…. until it’s not xD If you want to skype me, send me your Skype name at my Twitter account (you have to tell me where your blog is too :P). Or reach me at monmaryum@yahoo.com. OK, Strangers? I need practice with talking. Talking on the phone freaks me out and that kind of excites me. How horrifyingly-exshiyting.

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Incriminating Myself

Marriage. Me and Loving Me take breaks from time to time. I feel crap and  wallow in depression…..”Go f*ck yourself, self-love!” And then I when I go to bed and it’s dark and lonely. I lie back and soon settle into the I-HAVE-TO-LOVE-MYSELF-GAWSH!-mode, so I do get myself back. Yeah, I am that easy xD I anticipated the constant divorces, I knew it would happen thus I don’t feel too surprised. I come back to love myself when I feel stable-r. Go me! Go stable, go horses, go stable-horses. I have horsey teeth.

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