❤ Me 2 ❤ U (POEM)

I wrote a poem about how it’s hard to love someone (who loves you back) when you can’t love yourself; the feeling that something has to be wrong with the other person if they see something in you that’s beautiful.

Love Me to Love U

The enigma of you seemingly independent of love.

I am curious to study.

 you don’t need a girl like me to be so happy.

But still, what if

you did?

[Rain starts to drizzle]

Drip. Drip. Drop.

Waiting for my bus

you’re sitting in my spot as you

caught me stealing another

hopeless glance at you.

I shiver into my mufflers looking away, again.

And then you straightened your legs, muddy leaves crackled under you

Rising with your fiery presence

overwhelming the wet ambiance

as you take two long, easy strides..towards me.

Towards me!

Unsure what your eyes are telling. Now I can’t look away.

Now I can’t look away.

Are you about to say something?

Oh no, you’re talking.  To me

Wait. What did you just say?

You want to take me out?

You always wanted to?

Why!? I have to say something.

And I said something, but I didn’t hear myself saying it.

Okay. I..it’s just …it’s been so hard and difficult for me.

You’re listening. You’re nodding.

Your mysterious look turned soft, now sad.

You sure about this?

Good Lord.

You don’t have a sense

of what “special” is

if you’re into someone like me.

[Back at home, trying to sleep]

Why would you

hold up a mirror

my reflection looking back,

MY reflection staring back.

As you confessed your affection for this.

You think it can get a chance at love.

This  looking back with terror at me

in the mirror.

That this me…

No, just, this.

That this

is okay to love?

I don’t want you anymore, there must be something

pathetic about you too.

Random and All Over the Place

Last two times I tried to update on my life, I wrote on US-elections. From today, I hope I can update more on my own life…..Annnnd I have ONE thing on the elections to say ! (hee!) Just as I thought (and mentioned in the last post about Trump slowly transitioning into less Trump-y-isms), now that Trump is slowly dropping the rhetoric he used to get elected (he even removed the ban-Muslim texts from his website) he did this-

I just hope that Trump at least keeps slowly resolving the divide between the groups.And I hope much more of Trump because he is all you’ll have now.

I think an awesome way Republicans and Democrats can slowly get along this year is to avoid social-media all together. A good ol’ media-fast. Because even in hopeful posts like the one above, you’ll see  Twitter users’ hate being spewed on and on.

And I just love leaving random funny tweets here and there in my posts.

Onto more personal things- I keep deleting everything I write. I don’t how to go from where when I can’t pull out random every0day thoughts into my blog like I used. I feel like it is the exams that are getting to me.

Oh and I think I made some friends…..I think? People call anyone who talks to them daily their friends (erm….haha, I mean, that’s how it could go) but I can’t. I just won’t have peace until I fully feel comfortable with the person and I feel like I can share 50% of my thoughts, and that itself is tough to do.

I sit away and sometimes at uncomfortable tables (by which I mean, those awful ones that don’t allow you to put your leg through from under the desk because of the awful ways the stands for the table is placed) just so I don’t have to sit beside anyone. There’s always the pressure to fill in the gaps of silence and I can’t do it unless I can share my real foolish self. I used to have social-anxiety because of a combination of this pressure and the fear of people not liking me (yeah…fear).

Now I don’t fear the other breathing, shitting humans, but rather, I feel more the pressure to talk, the pressure of speaking on things I feel nothing about. I could talk more about the pressure of not being able to fill in the gaps than on the simply everyday petty things like how someone’s dress looked, what I’ve been eating, what I’ve been wearing, where I’ve been going. I like to focus on the reflections on those things than the things itself.

Anyway, here are some things I hope to do today-

  1. Not use Twitter any more today
  2. For every minute I study, I reward myself the same amount of time to read books I enjoy
  3. Do maths in the morning



Please Help Our Momma! (Reblog)

“I know that we’re not alone in this battle; as there are countless millions all around the world who are either fighting cancer or who have a loved one who has been diagnosed. Therefore, we know that we are in no way special or unique.

However, as a son who deeply loves and cherishes his Momma, I will do anything and everything I can to help her and my family stay afloat during this turbulent time.”

Dissapointing Vex

Update: My relationship with my mother is a lot better now. This post was written on 24-Oct-15:

“Close. The. Computer,” Mon pointed her finger at the screen. I didn’t like it. I tried to show on my face I was upset by how she approached me. She stood as stiff as her face and put her hand on my shoulder, not in a loving way but in a “get your ass off” kind of way, invading my personal space :I it all showed she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

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Women’s Day

Old readers would know some of the issues of living in a developing, misogynistic society. Where the women are especially misogynistic. I still have that little bit of culture-conditioned mysogonism in me, every time I think of myself judging a woman for their dress and thinking “She’s asking for ‘it'”, I stop myself. Being a woman myself. Well, a 19 year old woman.

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Happy Stuff ((in hiding)) Part 1

I’ve been meaning to blog the good stuff that happened or happens in my life since long ago. I’ve been in a good mood the past two days….and I studied! Whoohoo! But I only seem to share the bad stuff in my life and all the silly things in my head. Even though it’s boring to think about the good stuff (it’s not fun writing about the bad stuff, ha. It’s just healthy venting). Without further ado….

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