❤ Me 2 ❤ U (POEM)

I wrote a poem about how it’s hard to love someone (who loves you back) when you can’t love yourself; the feeling that something has to be wrong with the other person if they see something in you that’s beautiful.

Love Me to Love U

The enigma of you seemingly independent of love.

I am curious to study.

 you don’t need a girl like me to be so happy.

But still, what if

you did?

[Rain starts to drizzle]

Drip. Drip. Drop.

Waiting for my bus

you’re sitting in my spot as you

caught me stealing another

hopeless glance at you.

I shiver into my mufflers looking away, again.

And then you straightened your legs, muddy leaves crackled under you

Rising with your fiery presence

overwhelming the wet ambiance

as you take two long, easy strides..towards me.

Towards me!

Unsure what your eyes are telling. Now I can’t look away.

Now I can’t look away.

Are you about to say something?

Oh no, you’re talking.  To me

Wait. What did you just say?

You want to take me out?

You always wanted to?

Why!? I have to say something.

And I said something, but I didn’t hear myself saying it.

Okay. I..it’s just …it’s been so hard and difficult for me.

You’re listening. You’re nodding.

Your mysterious look turned soft, now sad.

You sure about this?

Good Lord.

You don’t have a sense

of what “special” is

if you’re into someone like me.

[Back at home, trying to sleep]

Why would you

hold up a mirror

my reflection looking back,

MY reflection staring back.

As you confessed your affection for this.

You think it can get a chance at love.

This  looking back with terror at me

in the mirror.

That this me…

No, just, this.

That this

is okay to love?

I don’t want you anymore, there must be something

pathetic about you too.

Random and All Over the Place

Last two times I tried to update on my life, I wrote on US-elections. From today, I hope I can update more on my own life…..Annnnd I have ONE thing on the elections to say ! (hee!) Just as I thought (and mentioned in the last post about Trump slowly transitioning into less Trump-y-isms), now that Trump is slowly dropping the rhetoric he used to get elected (he even removed the ban-Muslim texts from his website) he did this-

I just hope that Trump at least keeps slowly resolving the divide between the groups.And I hope much more of Trump because he is all you’ll have now.

I think an awesome way Republicans and Democrats can slowly get along this year is to avoid social-media all together. A good ol’ media-fast. Because even in hopeful posts like the one above, you’ll see  Twitter users’ hate being spewed on and on.

And I just love leaving random funny tweets here and there in my posts.

Onto more personal things- I keep deleting everything I write. I don’t how to go from where when I can’t pull out random every0day thoughts into my blog like I used. I feel like it is the exams that are getting to me.

Oh and I think I made some friends…..I think? People call anyone who talks to them daily their friends (erm….haha, I mean, that’s how it could go) but I can’t. I just won’t have peace until I fully feel comfortable with the person and I feel like I can share 50% of my thoughts, and that itself is tough to do.

I sit away and sometimes at uncomfortable tables (by which I mean, those awful ones that don’t allow you to put your leg through from under the desk because of the awful ways the stands for the table is placed) just so I don’t have to sit beside anyone. There’s always the pressure to fill in the gaps of silence and I can’t do it unless I can share my real foolish self. I used to have social-anxiety because of a combination of this pressure and the fear of people not liking me (yeah…fear).

Now I don’t fear the other breathing, shitting humans, but rather, I feel more the pressure to talk, the pressure of speaking on things I feel nothing about. I could talk more about the pressure of not being able to fill in the gaps than on the simply everyday petty things like how someone’s dress looked, what I’ve been eating, what I’ve been wearing, where I’ve been going. I like to focus on the reflections on those things than the things itself.

Anyway, here are some things I hope to do today-

  1. Not use Twitter any more today
  2. For every minute I study, I reward myself the same amount of time to read books I enjoy
  3. Do maths in the morning

 

 

Please Help Our Momma! (Reblog)

“I know that we’re not alone in this battle; as there are countless millions all around the world who are either fighting cancer or who have a loved one who has been diagnosed. Therefore, we know that we are in no way special or unique.

However, as a son who deeply loves and cherishes his Momma, I will do anything and everything I can to help her and my family stay afloat during this turbulent time.”

Dissapointing Vex

Update: My relationship with my mother is a lot better now. This post was written on 24-Oct-15:

“Close. The. Computer,” Mon pointed her finger at the screen. I didn’t like it. I tried to show on my face I was upset by how she approached me. She stood as stiff as her face and put her hand on my shoulder, not in a loving way but in a “get your ass off” kind of way, invading my personal space :I it all showed she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Continue reading

Women’s Day

Old readers would know some of the issues of living in a developing, misogynistic society. Where the women are especially misogynistic. I still have that little bit of culture-conditioned mysogonism in me, every time I think of myself judging a woman for their dress and thinking “She’s asking for ‘it'”, I stop myself. Being a woman myself. Well, a 19 year old woman.

Continue reading

Happy Stuff ((in hiding)) Part 1

I’ve been meaning to blog the good stuff that happened or happens in my life since long ago. I’ve been in a good mood the past two days….and I studied! Whoohoo! But I only seem to share the bad stuff in my life and all the silly things in my head. Even though it’s boring to think about the good stuff (it’s not fun writing about the bad stuff, ha. It’s just healthy venting). Without further ado….

Continue reading

Reading Love Monthly

Open Letter To The Guy That Almost Killed Me

Excuse me if you can’t understand my typo filled sentences. That’s because I can’t tuoe anymore. But first off, thank yiu for so many thinhs. I’ve never tasted sand. Not until you ran me over with your motorcycle…

A Love Poem

I see you walking by the coffee shop, right outside of the window
and I throw my mug, smashing the barrier  into
a million little pieces, so that I might be able to reach you

Death By Toxic Throw-Pillow Fumes

My mother has made a friend recently. This friend is a vegan. Now, some of us may be aware of vegans on the internet… You might even recognize the game “find the vegan”. However, my mother found it extremely worrisome when this vegan tweeted….

 

Image by Paul Militaru

Reward-Punishment in Relationship

I wore my heart on my sleeve with Therapist. I expressed my anxiety over my exams and stuff going on with my Mother. I said some other things too, which I will hopefully write about in the blog. But anyhow, at one point during conversing with her I held back tears and just asked, “Can you recommend me doing something that will bring me closer to my Mother?” She taught me this cool trick I saw on the Discovery Channel that owners do with their dogs. The reward/punishment method.

Continue reading

Stupid Life, a Saga.

Warning: Really messed up post.

I couldn’t let my future child go through what I had to. It’s sick and I would know a kitten was the least I could give my kid if I acted like my parents around them, especially if my kid had an anxiety disorder. I just cried writing this. I wasn’t all, “Wah! My parents won’t let me have a kitty!” it’s more complicated, it’s like, “You know you messed me up. Now I can’t function in life. And I want a kitten, and you still think you’re entitled to my obedience? It’s like you have no sympathy” But I am obedient. I am fucked up. Mum’s here again to scold me.

Continue reading

It’s Valentine’s Day!?

Short rant, I promise. Just ranting about Mom and tomorrow’s stupid lovey- day…..

After every disappointed, angry nag from Mom, the first thing I start thinking of is death. I just think how cruel I am, how bad she thinks I am and all that sh*t. I know I am supposed to not care, but each time it’s like an acute hit from her. But whatever, it’s been a while and I don’t care as much, I am better now……I am thinking about Valentine’s Day. Screw it. Why can’t it just be ‘Love Day’? Because love can be any kind of love. But no, it’s Valentine’s Day and V-day doesn’t care if you’re single or not, it’s just gonna be there strutting around like our 5th grade divas.

How to spend valentine’s Day not being miserable:

  • Be grateful that at least it isn’t THAT celebrated in my country so I won’t be reminded of it…..as much
  • Don’t read any blogs with “Valentines’ or any hint of this day, unless it’s about other singles moaning, then read them.
  • Force yourself to read a book every time you think about your exams and how much you hate studying and how much you hate couples.

Link Promo Friday

A powerful and thought provoking video I stumbled across

Like how can you not have FaceBook? Oh I bet you have a girlfriend/wife that you are hiding and lying. That is what one girl actually said to me. I was just stood there thinking, if I had a girlfriend/wife I would be spending my time with her.

Freshly Pressed Acceptance Speech – Round 3

-Freshly Pressed around 4:05PM.
-Feels like I’m going to throw up my last seven meals, but other than that I’m fine.
-Was at 93 likes before an earthquake hit my post.
-5:27PM: Is it over yet?

F*cking Mother’s Day

I do believe mothers are worth celebrating, but I also think that we should be celebrating the people we love and cherish every day……Also, it seems to make a lot of people more miserable than celebratory anyway.

Image by Lila

Friday Reader Love

Some funny posts 😮

Museum Chaos and Ice Cream for Your Pocket

To my eager young mind, a field trip invoked all the primal urges I’d held boxed up for so long…..There would be no rules here. No restrictions. Our years of mindless suppression were at an end.

Jealousy

JEALOUSY, n. Emotion that can creep up on introverts in the presence of the chatty and self-assured. (And then we go home and read Jane Austen and all is well again.)

Jurassic World (2015) *Spoiler Alert: There are Dinosaurs*

…the movie basically revolves around four people. The hero (some dude), some woman who works at the Jurassic World Petting Zoo (I feel like the slogan should be “Where all the creatures are larger and way older than you and could eat you!”) and her two nephews. Everyone is irrelevant in the movie and some people die.

Image by Lila

Friday Reading Love

Reading gives you readership. Okay, here are this week’s faves!

Kindness Matters

Difference make us unique and special. The same is true for those I don’t even know. Kindness creates more kindness

“When the Frost is on the Pumpkin”

Today I went to my local produce store and purchased a few adorable little pumpkins just because they made me happy. I ended up giving them away as gifts because if they made me smile I figured they would do the same for someone else.

Believe

Image by Lila

Friday Reading Love

Another edition of Friday favorite links. Boyahhhhh

What Would It Take For You To Be a Refugee?

Take a moment to look at your child, your niece or nephew, your friend’s little ones. Look hard at them. Feel the absolute overwhelming love in your body, the all consuming love, the burning desire to keep them safe from danger above all else. Now imagine loading them up in the dead….

They call me a vigilante because I’ve taken the law into my own hands.

“Not even you can exploit or break the law of gravity.”

Mixed Messages

The Internet – the uncensored, uncurated, culmination of hundreds upon thousands of thoughts and opinions of academics, bigots, idiots and trolls.

Photo: Lila