Unmoored From Life (Poem)

Your  supposedly ambitious vision

kept in the pocket of your heart

Your plans for changing your ways

ill-considered.

All ill-considered.

Unmoored from life again, this time –

in a more final way.

Thought You’d pass by enjoying it

the easy way. Or so you say….said,

till your time came to a sorry end

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Death of a blogger

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From Painkills2. Her reflection from her photo.

Painkills2 from All Things Chronic died. I don’t know when and I don’t know how. We knew each other from reading and liking each others’ posts. I sometimes commented on her posts admiring her amazing photography skills and learning interesting things about pain-patients and about our planet.

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Image by Painkills2

I can tell she loved talking about food, and her last post was about it. I know that when she met with a blogger-friend, she baked for her ha.

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From Painkills2

I still feel have an awful feeling when I go through her posts. . She even honored vets  and celebrities by the title ‘Thinking of you‘.

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From Painkills2.

I searched on google “painkills2 says:” and I see all these witty and opinionated comments from her on others’ blogs. Some bits of her personality I hadn’t known about before, probably because everytime I visited her blog happened to be when she was writing about serious issues and sharing photos.I wish I had known her better. I wish I read more from her, I knew she was a chronic-pain patient. But I just don’t know. I miss her.

Here are her only two comments on my blog, I think these both one after the other show for her serious and witty side (and yeah, there wasn’t any rule of showing five random words in the award haha)

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She also shared one of my posts on her blog here- SAFETY. Below is what she wrote

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It’s hard enough when a blogger deletes their blog and all traces of them. But leaving altogether? I will miss you. I find it sad that these are the only things I can say about you. I wish I had met you because I think you are a beautiful person.

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By Painkill2. Wasn’t she an amazing photographer?

Stupid Hotline and Mom

(Trigger warning*****)

My Mother screamed, nagged and talked more about how much she is dissapointed with me. I studied today, I can’t concentrate on my studies for more than 20 minutes, so each time I took a break. Well, the first time I took a 10 minute break and the second times I took a 30 minute break. After eating I felt heavy and sleepy and feel asleep, for almost 3 hours. After waking up, I turned on the computer again.

I always used to tell her I would study later whenever she asked. I didn’t study much and made the mistake of being honest about it. And now I want to die. The thoughts of getting a knife into my stomach, the thoughts of bleeding to death, the thoughts of getting sent to the hospital and then dying there. I am scared of dying and the pain of death.But I studied today, it’s hard for me to study. I used to study for 3 hours in one sitting, taking breaks from time to time. She knows how weak my mental state is.

I found out this suicide hotline online for Bangladesh and too bad. I knew my country is crap. I couldn’t believe there was such a thing in my stupid country. At first I thought it was fake. So I called and got no reply, I would’ve been shocked if someone picked up anyway. We are an amazing country. And if I told Mom I had such thoughts, she would say exactly that, “As if, you would be a coward in the act”.

She knew I studied, a little. I told her I would study later. Which I really would. Today I was feeling a lot less stressed until Mom happened. The little mental energy I had for studying is gone from crying to her to stop nagging me. She wouldn’t stop. She got my Dad in the act because she didn’t believe me when I said I would study.

Comments closed. Sorry. “It’ll get better,” comments isn’t going to make my Mom mentally better not get a better suicide hotline for my country.

Update: I am not doing anything reckless. Don’t misunderstand.

Is it weird that….

..sometimes when I watch people dying on OR-tables and I see their husbands crying for them, I think, “Will I ever get a husband who would cry like that for me if that ever happened?” LOL. I know. This is quite…..morbid. But a girl can dream…..Wait, that sounds terrible that I should die to find romance like that. I will stop now. G’bye.

But I DO still think about it 😮

Deadly Aliveness

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “To Sleep, Perchance to Dream.”

                                                                             Sleep:

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It’s a passing away while you’re breathing,

At least, it seems to me:

Precipitous. I can’t feel,

When it befalls on me.

But it aids me in

finishing up the day. Essentially

The lack of this sweet death,

is draining already.