Mixed Messages

There are mixed messages in my brain; it is a dumpster fire. By dumpster-fire, I mean I haven’t written much- I haven’t written for so long that I am not able to process my thinking much. Hence it is a mixture of useless, dumb and helpful thoughts, on a 50-20-30 ratio. (Notice how I didn’t add dumb and useless together?)

I have pushed some useless thoughts into the deep recesses of my mind instead of regurgitating on paper them on paper. And I DO mean regurgitating them on paper- my anxiety sometimes makes my thoughts come to me over and over and so on and so forth and all that stuff, you know, redundantly (not much like this line).

Wow, looking up at the paragraphs above and just wondering how much my words don’t follow any proper structure. Other writers organize their work so well (not saying this post can be called a work, but what a piece of work this is). I really need to improve my writing. Ohhhhhhh. Fuuuuuck.

I lost my train of thoughts. But still, I don’t sound as cheerful as I did two years ago. Although, the last couple posts of 2017 did show more seriousness. Fuck I did it again.

I just looked at the ceiling and sighed. I don’t know how else to write anything regarding how f-ed up my mind got the more I didn’t write. Okay, I need to use some writing prompts. Woah. Shearhog, nervouos, self-killing and pretired. Okay, another start.

It seems that shearhog (meaning a sheep after the first sheering)really goes so well for my post here. My mind is the woolly sheep of disaster and I am trying to sheer away uselessness. But I am not succeeding. I guess not succeeding is a part of succeeding (?) because the first steps will be the hardest because those are what gets the ball rolling to get you more and more motivated for the future. Need to stooooooooop and try to figure out what’s up with my heeeeeeeaaaaadddd.

Take 4! Back again. The other prompt is ‘nervous’ and….of fuck, I need to call the store for refilling my depressants, this word just reminded me of that.

Done! Take 5! Now, I am a nervous wreck.

That’s…it. I am getting better and I am trying to forgive myself for not being able to do many of the things I expect so highly of myself to do. I need to forgive myself. The development between then and now is that, before, the thought of self-forgiveness brought anxiety to me. It made me wonder, “Ugh, why can’t I be more centered? Why do I make things harder than they need to be? This is why I can’t ever do anything worthwhile!” but now I just think, “Yep”. Yes, yeah, yea, yeaahaw. It’s a more neutral thought instead of a self-hating one. Oh forgot the other prompts. Oh, the next one goes perfectly here. I am not as self-killing about how I think of myself 😀 No, that sounds wrong lol. Lemme check its exact definition. Oh wow, self-killing literally means killing your self. I guess that went over my head but I thought it metaphorically meant something like ‘self-sabotage’. Well, can it mean that? I need it to mean that, for this paragraph! Well, haven’t you heard people say things like, “You are killing yourself by worrying!”. Yep. Now it means that.

The other word is pretired which, I think means to retire while you’re young, like 30 or sth. I have nothing to say about this, although I am not sure if I want to retire early. Then again, I haven’t even gotten a job yet. Just living with my parents until I get married, like most others my age in south-east Asia. Although most of my peers here get jobs to have more fun and eat out with friends more than their parents would normally allow. I…..haven’t got a friend, so…yeah, imma be as lazy as I want regarding working.

Prompt link

Boo, metrorail

Image result for mirpur metro rail

Image Captured from this video by Metro Life

I live in a city in Bangladesh. It is a super populated country located in the Indian Suncontinent. Here you can hardly find 200-meters of clear road in the traffic ahead  of you unless after you are stopped by a traffic-signal for a long time…and a lot of times, it’s not a signal that can get us to stop, it’s by a signal plus an officer managing the driveways; we’re just classy like that. You can find these rare clear(er) roads on holidays that extend to three or more days.***

It is weird though, to walk in the middle of the road which is barricaded by signs. But some people take major advantage of this. And by ‘some people’ I mean kids. Some kids play cricket in this area and I was once almost hit by a ball as I was minding my own business in my daily commute in a bus, I don’t know why I didn’t shout at the kids for this though, this could enable their f*ckery even more. The only reason I didn’t get hit for the widow frame protecting me as the ball hit an inch away.

The evening commutes are the worst. At multiple points, after every few of these signs, you get flashed by a light each time you passed it. The lights are for the workers to see…in the dark as they…..work. Hmm.

The worst of traffic jam is the air pollution of any heavily populated country, but I thought to not mention the obvious and just go with this part of the circus. The construction of the metro-railway was supposed to be finished in 4 years by 2019…..and 2019 is almost over. Also, I didn’t read this news article on this topic but the title was good enough to share- “Just 12% progress made in metro rail project in 4 years

***The reason for this is that a whole lot of people here are not originally from the city, so a lot of people take advantage of the longer holidays to visit their family in the countrysides. Hence, with less people around, we get more space to walk around too 😀

Goal for next post: Research on my country to fill in the gaps of the understanding I have regarding our history. The next post will be a tough one, trying to make history as interesting as possible to write about >_>

I’ve been reading many blogs for hours and hours. I got some motivation to write without any plans. I have no clue as to how I can hook anyone’s atention here since I have no clue what I am even writing about. But I just felt a bit sunshine-y. Y’ know? There’s sunlight outside in the veranda and I am seeing a bunch of posts which are relatable, talking about the simple beauties of life and much more.

So I am just here to push myself a little to write. It seems as though this is some grand task on my part, and that might be the case- for a post that had no topic or title. But I felt like wasting some time of y’all which you can never get back- no matter how hard you try. Nope.

Gonna hit publish without any edits. Bang!

Okay, on second thought-

*bit sunshine-y

*push myself

*wasting some

Ooof 2

I felt weird after a post I published yesterday and then deleted it. It was titled ‘ooof’ I think. So here is ‘Ooof 2’.

That’s it.

Ok. No. But I really don’t know what else to write. I am in University finally but there’s some shit that’s been going on which I might be taking too seriously because of my anxiety. I got really down in the dumps after the last time I posted here and….this is pretty much all I have to say now. This is just an update to say I haven’t died yet. Thanks for reading 😂

Muh big(ly boring) thoughts

I got exams. I do relaxation techniques everyday. I am holding up pretty well since I dropped one of my depressant without even telling doc. Yes, I had done it before. I know the effects of severe disturbances are unlikely for me but I’ll go back to the pills if I am getting too bugged by the insect in my mind.

I’ve dropped T.V altogether. I mean I have for a long time already. And I am NOT up for listening to bullshit cable-news. I’ve lost hope and only want news from people who first fack-checks news- like James Corbett who does rediculously intensive data analysis and gives proper sources (instead of going “Scientists agree” or “Experts say”, or simply “Sources say” trying to be indefinite). Only thing I disagree with on James Corbett, from as far as I’ve consumed his content, is on  the topic of global warming- he doesn’t believe in it. And I am not into Philip DeFranco because his type of news doesn’t go beyond  America (and how it willl affect other countries and vice versa)

Terror Attack and NHS

NHS helped the victims of Manchester terror attack in hospitals. While they might have enough to help the victims, please donate blood (esp if you are O-neg) so they can have a steady supply for them to run. All terror attacks leave a scar on humanity and all we can do is help each other.

Descend to Rise

It’s a good practice to get out of your comfort zone and see that the world doesn’t work how you think it does. Even if you never get out of your comfort zone, change will come in some form or another- in the sign of stress, angst, etc. It’s in your biology to go with the change and with that comes the modesty about your weaknesses.

I say ‘weakness’ not as something bad, but as something that teaches you how far your limit has been set to protect you. There’s a childishly loving intention behind your weaknesses- to save yourself from a burden of any kind. Even when you’re being unproductive about a task you ‘should’ do, look deep within and see it’s to save yourself from doing something that causes stress of a sort. Instead of seeing our laziness as…well…laziness, if we switch to see it as “avoidance with an intention to protect me from stress”, it can help you to gain more control.

You use intention to save yourself from the pain of being spread thin until you disappear- instead of an activity that brings joy and abundance to you. Intentions aside, we do not like acknowledging our weaknesses as Acknowledgment of weakness IS the opposite of weakness- and weakness is a comfort.

In order to rise up, we need to go down and see what we attached ourselves to that we need to let go of, for a lighter flight to greatness.

What aren’t you typically aware of that is pulling you down? (And no, not that thing you’ve been aware of already! Go beyond or at least, add more nuance to that awareness)

(P.S I am no guru, I am a millennial who barely has her shit together, but she’s learning :))

I don’t write so often

 

I am using a random image to help me write. I feel weird writing because I feel talking is better for me (how weird of me to “say” that). I can’t figure out WHAT I want to write. I learnt the tip to not edit while you write, but it’s hard to bullshit so long without any edits. I almost talked about politics.

I am trying to get myself to write because “If you didn’t write it down, did it happen?” (Quote taken from video The Power of Writing). As I read back to my previous entries, I wonder how much has happened….that WOULDN’T have happened, if I didn’t write it to remember it (Makes sense?). There’s a lot of mindsets I shift through from time to time and I wonder how wonderful it would’ve been if I had written every day to record my changes.

Oh look, my post has nothing to do with the writing image-prompt. This should show you how my brain tries to deal with me. Moving on, I’ve been seeing more articles on the importance of writing more nowadays. I’ve read the advice of journaling both from a marine and a blog-post (a blog-post about growing mental resilience). They both told of the importance of knowing yourself, your problems, etc That confidence comes with clarity. Well…writing is tough (says me). I can’t help myself to not go off tangents. When writing, from time to time, I stop myself and say, “This thought shouldn’t be available!”.

It probably took half an hour to write these three paras. No wonder I don’t write much these days *trudges into Cave of Unclarity”.

Twitter | Goodreads.

Tip of the week: Methods of Goal Tracking

As usual, I share tips by the end of the audios and babble in the beginning. Tip of the week starts from 5:44s, the audio kind of cut off by the end 😥

(Image in Audio- Source):

I actually follow Iridescence’s goal-tracking method but with a twist. I record how much I rate myself on various tasks daily on an app called Daily Diary (it has many categories to write the various signs of progress for a single day). And then, I record my OVERALL progress (using the patterns in the picture below, because they motivate me to create more colorful squares on my sheet) at the end of every 5 days. If mine sounds too complicated (it’s sounding complicated to me) just look at how Iridescence records them below and try it out.

Tip of the Week: Get an Awesome haircut

I made the mistake of going back to Twitter- again. And again. And again. It’s so easy to log into that fucking site and see who hates whom.

I haven’t done the ‘tip of the week’ thing I did in my audios because I don’t want to write transcripts for my audios. The audio is basically me embarrassing myself but I also share a tip that has helped me and made…..life easier, I guess because I hate hair touching my neck. Aaaannnnndd, I got a super weird haircut that makes me happy and helps me to dry my hair easier after bathing 🙂

The tip is that a great haircut affects you everyday and makes you happy. So go get one. No, I mean it. You’ll feel better about yourself and you’re worth that (unless you’re a mass murderer)

 

Messy thought-vomit

It is incredibly hard to get all the ridiculous thoughts I’ve been getting in my head the past few weeks that I don’t know how to manage to write a post about them. Nothing serious. It’s just it’s all stuffed inside my head and it’s all gotten so old and rotten and now they’re starting to stink in there (Can you ever relate?).  I’ve made countless audio-tapes to express my thoughts but I don’t know how to share them. There’s so much shit to talk about. Not actual shit that’s happening, just all the intuitive thoughts and whatnot in my brain from reading and learning things way different than what I usually learnt.

Phew, I am glad I at least got that out (I am laughing). But really, I can’t expand upon every thought I am having so I am just going to share a few of them in bullet points.

  • Deep-State ( government agencies believed to conspire and manipulate people and policies .)
    .
  • White-helmets aren’t who you think they are
    .
    People can change thoughts and ideas radically. Unless they do something in the present that reflects what they tweeted in the past, you shouldn’t judge too hard. (Rule goes for most people except Trump. He’s always contradicting himself so he deserves no redos
    .
  • I am finding it hard how didn’t want to even care for how Hillary affected Benghazi when I was so emotional about Trump giving voice to Nazis. And not being sure how much more affect Trump’s rhetoric will have in the future. Even though I wanted her at one point, I shouldn’t have been so jaded about whatever came against her.
    .
  • I don’t think anyone who believes they CAN lead a country…..can EVER lead a country with that kind of ego. I am moving towards agorism because I think this is the most possible path of the least wars- and that is to be anti-gov. I am still very new to agorism so defenses against foreign countries taking advantage of gov-less country isn’t something I have answer for. But I have plans to read books about it. Oh wow, and I thought I didn’t have the capacity to expand on anything
    .
  • Anyone who cheated Sanders out of the presidency is part of the resistance
    .
  • I don’t trust most media coverages of cetain incidences anymore. I feel like certain issues are being controlled and limited. It’s suspicious how CNN doesn’t focus much on Palestine, oil-trading with Saudi Arabia, etc. (I hate Fox the most, so don’t think I am only hating on CNN). It’s made me feel CNN is also a neo-con warmonger who’s working, perhaps, with Fox News to divide the people against each other to not focus on who’s (the gov) is actually controlling the People.

I didn’t write them all so clearly but really. I don’t know where my head is going. The way I wrote them seems very immature but I really needed to get these out of my head because these were making me feel restless.

A little anti-govt and anti-media (Video)

The media expects everyone to believe that Assad gassed his own people after the Peace Conference (Peace talks) which would’ve helped the stability of his presidency in Syria- gassing his own people wouldn’t SERVE THAT PURPOSE! Without giving any substantial evidence, the media just showed a (video) picture of a gassed area and expects you to believe it as they say it. I have no clue what to think anymore. I don’t think I can watch CNN, BBC, anything.

What will Putin do though? Accept that Trump will defeat Assad? Or he’ll kill off more US vets in Syria or do more other things than that?

I used to be upset my country was poor. Not only that, all the little, great resources we had were stolen by Western countries.  I am glad we don’t have such a great oil resource in this country. We have ISIS in this country too! What if we had oil? Would Israeli authorities arm the extremists in this country to attack USA and when we have an attack back, it would be blamed on the leader of this country?

I hope people learn that no matter who comes into the US presidency, no matter how much they may oppose wars like this (like Trump did)- that they would eventually become puppets to fill wallets of themselves and/or whoever is controlling them (CIA?). I had some hope Trump wouldn’t become Obama.

This week’s update and tip (Audio)

In my last audio, I sounded very different from how I usually sound. It sounded weird, it sounded raw….it sounded weird. I forgot to upload earlier but it’s felt like only 3 days passed since my last audio. Maybe that’s an effect of reducing one of my pills (Joking!) On that note, I am meditating for making up for taking one less pill.

Recently I reduced my rice intake by 3 servings and that did not feel good because I couldn’t move around- I was lethargic, so I increased it by 2 servings again. I guess one health tip won’t work for everyone, some people need more carbs I guess.

This week’s tip: Not everyone of us has positive, sunshiney people around us. Unless you’re in Denmark you aren’t going to meet those kinds of people so much. (Starts making lip-smacking sounds, criticizes self for such sounds, tries hard to not smack lips).

And you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with. I’ve recently been listening to self-help audios and audios where the people are really positive and vibrant. My brain kind of reprogrammes itself to take in their personalities (from listening to them every single day). I downloaded Audacity that helps you to record audios from videos on your computer, I find it better than video converters online.

Last week’s tip was letting in more sunlight into your house to improve your mood. This week’s tip is listening to people with qualities you want to embody/ We lear n better from listening than from reading. Not just people with great quaqlities, also listen to advice/self-help podcasts/audios too.* Listening is better than reading to me because I take in information better that way than just from reading.

*For example, I’ve been listening to an audio of Overcoming Childhood for a couple days in a row and it helped me to be nicer to myself these past couple of days (instead of blaming myself for certain thought-patterns, eg low self-esteem thoughts and accepting it as something that automatically happens and something I can deal with slowly)

 

2-year-old Blog

 

Gabriel Corno

Credit: Gabriel Corno

 

2 years ago today I started a blog because Io thought domains were free (domains without the ‘dot WordPress’-thing after them) but I was disappointed with the sad, hard reality, but I still kept on thinking, “Hey, I’ll be a famous blogger and I am going to buy my own then”. But blogging (let along *trying* to write properly…..really trying to think about grammar structure) is hard. You always aren’t in the mood for it and lately I haven’t been in the mood for it at all. But I wouldn’t have continued blogging without the support I’ve been getting around her- I think, “No, these people, they mine blogger-friends <3” and I stayed. I don’t have much of a sense of humor anymore- I crack up a lot when I read my previous entries and wonder how silly and childish I was (I still am but to a lesser degree). Maybe I am developing the kind of sense of humor that I nor anyone finds funny. At least I knew I could make some people laugh and this gave me the confidence to be sillier in real life too.

The blog helped me to curate my thoughts and ideas- I thought I knew myself fair enough just by being an introvert until I started really writing.

No Net-addiction April

I rate the past three months a 2/10. I exercised, dieted, meditated, studied, cleaned, etc. All the good stuff. It’s just that my addiction with the computer really cuts off all the points I gained, so I am left with lousy old 2 again.

My goal for this month is to only use the internet when I am studying (I listen to podcasts while doing homework) and can use as much of internet as I want after 7 PM. No other time should I get close to the computer.  I know my rating for April will get higher if I follow this one simple rule. I just want to get to the computer whenever I feel bored or anxious- which is a lot of times. I need to replace meditating (and I need to since I’ve reduced my drug intake) whenever I feel an urge to use the computer.

You have any goals for this month? Here’s a funny video to thank you for reading-

Less Drugs, More Light (Audio)

I am kind of in a weird position. I mean, I am not….that…drugged because that’s what happens when you take drugs. Not unprescribed drugs…for now. I mean, I’m not saying I am taking illegal drugs, I am saying I reduced my (prescribed) drug by one dose. Initially it started to go haywire (in) my head but I think I can handle it. You don’t know how sucky it can be to be with these stupid drugs.*

So…

How are you? I’m talking to an empty phone in an empty room….wait, what is an empty phone? I’ve (also) been listening to a lot of podcasts and I am thinking of making a blogpost where I summarize my thoughts on some great podcast. It’s a little too early to pick favorite tracts but I’ll post some great podcasts in a little while after….soon? No, in a little while, could’ve just said that.

*(Back to elephant in the empty room) I am taking a risk with lessening my drugs. I did this once already before and it didn’t go well. I am taking the lessons I made at that time to reduce the effect of not making the mistake of not meditating enough and reading triggering (political or otherwise) things online. As a millennial with mental illness (Oh lookie, a stereotype….that fits me).

I am thinking of doing a weekly audio thing where I share a tip that helps me. It might help me to motivate me to post audio-vlogs and be more…..action-minded. No you can’t be action-minded, that’s a paradox. You know what I mean, I am just going to share one thing that helped me this week, yeah redundant.

This week I’ve been brightening up the room by pushing away the curtains (more) and letting more natural light in. It, pardon the pun, makes me feel more illuminated. I think that just having a bright atmosphere is so good for your health and we as humans need that. Just to lighten up my mood a little, I’ve been making my room as bright as possible with light. Not necessarily electric light when I could do with only one light and not waste- what I mean is natural light. What I mean is we should light things up….no, what I mean is, increase more light that comes into your room. That’s for this week, don’t blow stuff up or light things up. Just brighten up your room……with light (ha). Bye.

❤ Me 2 ❤ U (POEM)

I wrote a poem about how it’s hard to love someone (who loves you back) when you can’t love yourself; the feeling that something has to be wrong with the other person if they see something in you that’s beautiful.

Love Me to Love U

The enigma of you seemingly independent of love.

I am curious to study.

 you don’t need a girl like me to be so happy.

But still, what if

you did?

[Rain starts to drizzle]

Drip. Drip. Drop.

Waiting for my bus

you’re sitting in my spot as you

caught me stealing another

hopeless glance at you.

I shiver into my mufflers looking away, again.

And then you straightened your legs, muddy leaves crackled under you

Rising with your fiery presence

overwhelming the wet ambiance

as you take two long, easy strides..towards me.

Towards me!

Unsure what your eyes are telling. Now I can’t look away.

Now I can’t look away.

Are you about to say something?

Oh no, you’re talking.  To me

Wait. What did you just say?

You want to take me out?

You always wanted to?

Why!? I have to say something.

And I said something, but I didn’t hear myself saying it.

Okay. I..it’s just …it’s been so hard and difficult for me.

You’re listening. You’re nodding.

Your mysterious look turned soft, now sad.

You sure about this?

Good Lord.

You don’t have a sense

of what “special” is

if you’re into someone like me.

[Back at home, trying to sleep]

Why would you

hold up a mirror

my reflection looking back,

MY reflection staring back.

As you confessed your affection for this.

You think it can get a chance at love.

This  looking back with terror at me

in the mirror.

That this me…

No, just, this.

That this

is okay to love?

I don’t want you anymore, there must be something

pathetic about you too.

How things are going

I thought I accepted it but I cried so much after writing the last post as Mom tried to comfort me until I told her I couldn’t deal with this if she was hovering around.

My uncle with the cancer lodged on his brain had started foaming at the mouth this morning. Mom went to visit him at the hospital (where he was hospitalized after the incidence). He’s okay (“I am fine!” he says in English, he tends to speak English when he’s being serious) but  really he’s not okay. He’s been saying a lot of threats towards his wife and his kid is angry at him for his fuming at them of late, but the kid’s too young to understand what’s happened to her changed father. Everyone kept his cancer a secret from the kid. He’s “okay” now (as my Mom is saying) and I’m not sure what else might happen if the cancer grows.

I’ve already cried all there was to cry about it and I didn’t talk about this at the blog but I failed a major exam. I have to give a retake of it. I got a D in the subject I thought I’d get a B in, and I got Fs in subjects I predicted I’d get Ds in. I was in total shock because my teachers didn’t say much anything on my performance. I wish they made me anxious about my performance instead of being so laid-back, I didn’t expect reaching up the grades would be so tough. I’ve never failed in any sort of final-exams/major-exams in all my life- now I am lagging behind even more. My juniors will be a year and six months ahead of me.

Doesn’t help when mom tells me I have to get married while I am in Uni because at 20 years of age my “biological clock” is ticking and people in warmer climates (like here) get their periods early, and hence, get their menopause early. I’ve finally understood society’s obsession with their daughters’ marriages. The closer you get to the age of 38, the tougher it is to get pregnant and this is what happened to two women I know who married ‘late’. Of course I cried about it and this shocked mom because “Girls usually LOVE the idea of marriage!” to which I replied, “That’s because those girls no of no hope BEYOND MARRIAGE!”. But whatever, if my mom tries to force me to get married, I will cut my contact with her. But that’s for future, I am still not in Uni yet (when I shoul’ve been right now), I need to get my head fixed first and want to stop taking my depressants. Oh well. One step at a time. I need to marry and take care of myself first, and my relationship with myself is bumpy, but it’s better than before.

Death of a blogger

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From Painkills2. Her reflection from her photo.

Painkills2 from All Things Chronic died. I don’t know when and I don’t know how. We knew each other from reading and liking each others’ posts. I sometimes commented on her posts admiring her amazing photography skills and learning interesting things about pain-patients and about our planet.

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Image by Painkills2

I can tell she loved talking about food, and her last post was about it. I know that when she met with a blogger-friend, she baked for her ha.

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From Painkills2

I still feel have an awful feeling when I go through her posts. . She even honored vets  and celebrities by the title ‘Thinking of you‘.

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From Painkills2.

I searched on google “painkills2 says:” and I see all these witty and opinionated comments from her on others’ blogs. Some bits of her personality I hadn’t known about before, probably because everytime I visited her blog happened to be when she was writing about serious issues and sharing photos.I wish I had known her better. I wish I read more from her, I knew she was a chronic-pain patient. But I just don’t know. I miss her.

Here are her only two comments on my blog, I think these both one after the other show for her serious and witty side (and yeah, there wasn’t any rule of showing five random words in the award haha)

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She also shared one of my posts on her blog here- SAFETY. Below is what she wrote

Save

It’s hard enough when a blogger deletes their blog and all traces of them. But leaving altogether? I will miss you. I find it sad that these are the only things I can say about you. I wish I had met you because I think you are a beautiful person.

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By Painkill2. Wasn’t she an amazing photographer?

A New Challenge? 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins

“The moment you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must move in 5 seconds or your brain will kill it.” ~Mel Robbins

I want to buy The 5-Second Rule book but I don’t think it’s available in my country, so I settled for a couple of youtube videos on it and here are concluding thoughts on it-

You will never ‘feel’ like working ‘someday’. You’re never going to feel like working. So now what?

Whenever you get an impulse to do a productive action, you have 5-seconds before that motivation dissipates and your brain starts making excuses to not do the work. The initial ‘reaction energy’ of the impulse in your brain (when you feel an urge like, “Hey, I should DO this”) takes up a lot of energy to work you up, so you need to make the best of it. When the impulse comes, count backward to 5 seconds as you run like a rocket-ship towards your work. The more you think before doing productive work, the less you’ll want to do it. You’re not a procrastinator- you have a habit of procrastinating. The more you practice this, the more bias you’ll  have about overthinking about doing your work.

I heard about it before and I thought, “Ha! It’s just your way of getting me to work even though I am not motivated”, but now I realized it was trying to work with the fleeting motivation while it’s still there.

I’ve tried it for the last 48 hours….and yeah, I don’t get these impulses much. But whenever I do I move fast, like I did by waking up early morning and studying 🙂 I’ve learnt it for myself that it indeed takes a couple seconds until the motivation fades away. I think meditating more will clear my mind of unnecessary things and I will be getting more spurts of motivation.

Women’s day is coming

Talking about Women’s Day is kind of triggering. Recently my mom’s been making me grow my hair out because I need to ‘catch a husband’. Oh no. Honestly, I think I’d actually grow my hair out if I were in a relationship because I think I look better with long hair. But long hair is a stupid struggle. I mentioned previously that if I had to form my own definition of what beauty is in a world where there was no one but me….I’d have shaved my head to never have to deal with hair again.Thoughts of being ‘fat’ wouldn’t any issue. Really, beauty wouldn’t be any concern to me then, but rather what feels more comfortable to me (like a shaved head…..I say again). But the only part that gets to me sf that if my future husband doesn’t shave his legs or armpits for me, I sure as heck don’t want to extend the same courtesy to him.

This women’s day thing is like a yearly review of how much of the culture-conditioned misogyny I was able to remove from my system. So far, I don’t even let my mom talk about women wearing ‘so little’- I let her know it’s their choice, which is a concept she finds hard to grasp. I am also not using the scale at all (except once, it spoke and I was tempted) and rather use visual signs to track my weight-loss. I look less at myself in the mirror when I am in the shower because I am trying to make weight-loss more about…..eh, I don’t know. Honestly, if exercising only made me ‘healthier’ and not slimmer, I don’t think I’d exercise at all. I don’t know how I can even be ‘body-positive’ when in my head like you see all the confident curvy, women on youtube. Doesn’t help when your fat mother calls you ‘fat’ either…..and places importance on your beauty to ‘catch’ a husband. But I also want to grow my hair out again as an experiment and if I don’t like it, I will have it cut again.

I want to follow Emma Watson’s advice that when you’re doing something you’re interested in and going out and making a life for yourself, you’re going to find people who are of similar interests to you and have more common with you. You’ll find love by doing what you love.

I forgot to review my misogyny lol. I rate myself 6/10 feminist points. An example is I still have problems where I mentally judge other women based on their weight, make-up, dress, etc but I think that if I judge myself less, this problem will sort itself out. Gah, it feels so icky to show all these not-so-cool parts of yourself, but I’ve am glad my views on women (erm…as a woman) improved since the last time I posted about women’s day.

Climate Change is real for my country

“If you’re sitting in Euro, you’re not living on the fringe because 2 degrees, 5 degrees, doesn’t make any difference. But here, one degree, two degrees…it’s two extra cyclones a year, two extra tidal waves a year- it’s a question of life and death.” Also see this- 6m people displaced due to climate change impacts in Bangladesh

Three Worlds One Vision

30 Million Directed by Daniel Price and Adrien Taylor (2016) Film Review Thirty Million is a New Zealand documentary about how rising sea levels in Bangladesh are already displacing (and killing) people in low lying coastal areas. It depicts quite dramatically how coastal farmers inundated by rising tides are moving into incredibly congested cities, where […]

via How Climate Change is Killing People in Bangladesh — The Most Revolutionary Act

“I think the trick in our hand is that we [the United Nations] have enough knowledge, enough information to act. But it is the collective acting that is what is required now. But if we are not that careful then we will definitely be suicidal if not evil. Evil is the word that could definitely be attributed to the people who have the choice and have not acted, who have the power and have not used it for the greater good…

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