Mixed Messages

There are mixed messages in my brain; it is a dumpster fire. By dumpster-fire, I mean I haven’t written much- I haven’t written for so long that I am not able to process my thinking much. Hence it is a mixture of useless, dumb and helpful thoughts, on a 50-20-30 ratio. (Notice how I didn’t add dumb and useless together?)

I have pushed some useless thoughts into the deep recesses of my mind instead of regurgitating on paper them on paper. And I DO mean regurgitating them on paper- my anxiety sometimes makes my thoughts come to me over and over and so on and so forth and all that stuff, you know, redundantly (not much like this line).

Wow, looking up at the paragraphs above and just wondering how much my words don’t follow any proper structure. Other writers organize their work so well (not saying this post can be called a work, but what a piece of work this is). I really need to improve my writing. Ohhhhhhh. Fuuuuuck.

I lost my train of thoughts. But still, I don’t sound as cheerful as I did two years ago. Although, the last couple posts of 2017 did show more seriousness. Fuck I did it again.

I just looked at the ceiling and sighed. I don’t know how else to write anything regarding how f-ed up my mind got the more I didn’t write. Okay, I need to use some writing prompts. Woah. Shearhog, nervouos, self-killing and pretired. Okay, another start.

It seems that shearhog (meaning a sheep after the first sheering)really goes so well for my post here. My mind is the woolly sheep of disaster and I am trying to sheer away uselessness. But I am not succeeding. I guess not succeeding is a part of succeeding (?) because the first steps will be the hardest because those are what gets the ball rolling to get you more and more motivated for the future. Need to stooooooooop and try to figure out what’s up with my heeeeeeeaaaaadddd.

Take 4! Back again. The other prompt is ‘nervous’ and….of fuck, I need to call the store for refilling my depressants, this word just reminded me of that.

Done! Take 5! Now, I am a nervous wreck.

That’s…it. I am getting better and I am trying to forgive myself for not being able to do many of the things I expect so highly of myself to do. I need to forgive myself. The development between then and now is that, before, the thought of self-forgiveness brought anxiety to me. It made me wonder, “Ugh, why can’t I be more centered? Why do I make things harder than they need to be? This is why I can’t ever do anything worthwhile!” but now I just think, “Yep”. Yes, yeah, yea, yeaahaw. It’s a more neutral thought instead of a self-hating one. Oh forgot the other prompts. Oh, the next one goes perfectly here. I am not as self-killing about how I think of myself 😀 No, that sounds wrong lol. Lemme check its exact definition. Oh wow, self-killing literally means killing your self. I guess that went over my head but I thought it metaphorically meant something like ‘self-sabotage’. Well, can it mean that? I need it to mean that, for this paragraph! Well, haven’t you heard people say things like, “You are killing yourself by worrying!”. Yep. Now it means that.

The other word is pretired which, I think means to retire while you’re young, like 30 or sth. I have nothing to say about this, although I am not sure if I want to retire early. Then again, I haven’t even gotten a job yet. Just living with my parents until I get married, like most others my age in south-east Asia. Although most of my peers here get jobs to have more fun and eat out with friends more than their parents would normally allow. I…..haven’t got a friend, so…yeah, imma be as lazy as I want regarding working.

Prompt link

Boo, metrorail

Image result for mirpur metro rail

Image Captured from this video by Metro Life

I live in a city in Bangladesh. It is a super populated country located in the Indian Suncontinent. Here you can hardly find 200-meters of clear road in the traffic ahead  of you unless after you are stopped by a traffic-signal for a long time…and a lot of times, it’s not a signal that can get us to stop, it’s by a signal plus an officer managing the driveways; we’re just classy like that. You can find these rare clear(er) roads on holidays that extend to three or more days.***

It is weird though, to walk in the middle of the road which is barricaded by signs. But some people take major advantage of this. And by ‘some people’ I mean kids. Some kids play cricket in this area and I was once almost hit by a ball as I was minding my own business in my daily commute in a bus, I don’t know why I didn’t shout at the kids for this though, this could enable their f*ckery even more. The only reason I didn’t get hit for the widow frame protecting me as the ball hit an inch away.

The evening commutes are the worst. At multiple points, after every few of these signs, you get flashed by a light each time you passed it. The lights are for the workers to see…in the dark as they…..work. Hmm.

The worst of traffic jam is the air pollution of any heavily populated country, but I thought to not mention the obvious and just go with this part of the circus. The construction of the metro-railway was supposed to be finished in 4 years by 2019…..and 2019 is almost over. Also, I didn’t read this news article on this topic but the title was good enough to share- “Just 12% progress made in metro rail project in 4 years

***The reason for this is that a whole lot of people here are not originally from the city, so a lot of people take advantage of the longer holidays to visit their family in the countrysides. Hence, with less people around, we get more space to walk around too 😀

Goal for next post: Research on my country to fill in the gaps of the understanding I have regarding our history. The next post will be a tough one, trying to make history as interesting as possible to write about >_>

I’ve been reading many blogs for hours and hours. I got some motivation to write without any plans. I have no clue as to how I can hook anyone’s atention here since I have no clue what I am even writing about. But I just felt a bit sunshine-y. Y’ know? There’s sunlight outside in the veranda and I am seeing a bunch of posts which are relatable, talking about the simple beauties of life and much more.

So I am just here to push myself a little to write. It seems as though this is some grand task on my part, and that might be the case- for a post that had no topic or title. But I felt like wasting some time of y’all which you can never get back- no matter how hard you try. Nope.

Gonna hit publish without any edits. Bang!

Okay, on second thought-

*bit sunshine-y

*push myself

*wasting some

Ooof 2

I felt weird after a post I published yesterday and then deleted it. It was titled ‘ooof’ I think. So here is ‘Ooof 2’.

That’s it.

Ok. No. But I really don’t know what else to write. I am in University finally but there’s some shit that’s been going on which I might be taking too seriously because of my anxiety. I got really down in the dumps after the last time I posted here and….this is pretty much all I have to say now. This is just an update to say I haven’t died yet. Thanks for reading 😂

Muh big(ly boring) thoughts

I got exams. I do relaxation techniques everyday. I am holding up pretty well since I dropped one of my depressant without even telling doc. Yes, I had done it before. I know the effects of severe disturbances are unlikely for me but I’ll go back to the pills if I am getting too bugged by the insect in my mind.

I’ve dropped T.V altogether. I mean I have for a long time already. And I am NOT up for listening to bullshit cable-news. I’ve lost hope and only want news from people who first fack-checks news- like James Corbett who does rediculously intensive data analysis and gives proper sources (instead of going “Scientists agree” or “Experts say”, or simply “Sources say” trying to be indefinite). Only thing I disagree with on James Corbett, from as far as I’ve consumed his content, is on  the topic of global warming- he doesn’t believe in it. And I am not into Philip DeFranco because his type of news doesn’t go beyond  America (and how it willl affect other countries and vice versa)

Terror Attack and NHS

NHS helped the victims of Manchester terror attack in hospitals. While they might have enough to help the victims, please donate blood (esp if you are O-neg) so they can have a steady supply for them to run. All terror attacks leave a scar on humanity and all we can do is help each other.