I thought I accepted it but I cried so much after writing the last post as Mom tried to comfort me until I told her I couldn’t deal with this if she was hovering around.
My uncle with the cancer lodged on his brain had started foaming at the mouth this morning. Mom went to visit him at the hospital (where he was hospitalized after the incidence). He’s okay (“I am fine!” he says in English, he tends to speak English when he’s being serious) but really he’s not okay. He’s been saying a lot of threats towards his wife and his kid is angry at him for his fuming at them of late, but the kid’s too young to understand what’s happened to her changed father. Everyone kept his cancer a secret from the kid. He’s “okay” now (as my Mom is saying) and I’m not sure what else might happen if the cancer grows.
I’ve already cried all there was to cry about it and I didn’t talk about this at the blog but I failed a major exam. I have to give a retake of it. I got a D in the subject I thought I’d get a B in, and I got Fs in subjects I predicted I’d get Ds in. I was in total shock because my teachers didn’t say much anything on my performance. I wish they made me anxious about my performance instead of being so laid-back, I didn’t expect reaching up the grades would be so tough. I’ve never failed in any sort of final-exams/major-exams in all my life- now I am lagging behind even more. My juniors will be a year and six months ahead of me.
Doesn’t help when mom tells me I have to get married while I am in Uni because at 20 years of age my “biological clock” is ticking and people in warmer climates (like here) get their periods early, and hence, get their menopause early. I’ve finally understood society’s obsession with their daughters’ marriages. The closer you get to the age of 38, the tougher it is to get pregnant and this is what happened to two women I know who married ‘late’. Of course I cried about it and this shocked mom because “Girls usually LOVE the idea of marriage!” to which I replied, “That’s because those girls no of no hope BEYOND MARRIAGE!”. But whatever, if my mom tries to force me to get married, I will cut my contact with her. But that’s for future, I am still not in Uni yet (when I shoul’ve been right now), I need to get my head fixed first and want to stop taking my depressants. Oh well. One step at a time. I need to marry and take care of myself first, and my relationship with myself is bumpy, but it’s better than before.