Dear me of May

Hey Mon,

You bore me. I recently read a letter of yours you wrote to me two years ago. I hadn’t opened the letter at the time I was supposed to open it, which was before the new year last year. But whatever. I sound harsh, let me speak softer. Egh, speak softer. Am I supposed to start whispering in my head? Am I becoming more and more like this the more I grow up? Well, I am. And as I read the letter you addressed to me, I felt like kind of hugging you, you were cute, just the you from two years ago. I always mentally grow up, but slowly. Which is why I always feel dumber than yesterday. I’ll feel dumber about today tomorrow. Maybe I’ll find this letter cute again as my slow maturity progresses to June.

The main reason I wanted to write this letter is for the same reason I wrote myself a letter two years ago. It was to make myself more productive for the year. And then compare how much I grew and how much of my expectations were……reached. And I felt awful when I read the part where you mentioned hope of losing so much weight. I weigh more than I did before. I felt a little sad when I got to the part where I wrote that grandmother *is* sick. Next month is the anniversary of her death. I need to learn to speak more with people I love. I have to practice it.

I’ve been having problems with low-pressure. And please, if you have a problem that’s been bothering you for months, you HAVE to get it checked. You are stupid with taking care of yourself. You once burnt your leg with boiling hot water and didn’t flinch even though it felt like it was tearing away your flesh. You just stood there and went, “Oh, my leg’s gonna melt” as you stood there. Neither you nor your mother understood why you didn’t scream then because the burnt area was purple for weeks. But even though you don’t pay attention to your physical health or……nothing much about your body really. You have to be aware of how unaware you are in this department

I am older and whinier. And I am not being all, “Ah, be a sweetie!” or “Take care of your health” or “Achieve the dreams, the dreams!” on you. Because reality used to be a very abstract concept to me and the more I grow, the more granular things get, but it doesn’t mean that a little motivation won’t take you far. Sometimes you can’t be a sweetie because it can get you hurt (despite my idealism). Sometimes you have to fight people to keep your sanity. And Sometimes you can’t just keep the motivation. And am learning to accept that perhaps this awful feeling I have in my body, whether it is depression or OCD or whatever, I’ve accepted that maybe this will stay with me. And that the ‘granular’-ness of life will keep glaring down at my foolishness (if it can glare) if I don’t at least acknowledge it.

Basically that’s pretty much it. By next June, I just want you to be more loving with your parents. Don’t do that thing with your hand that Mom hates (you know what). Take more walks with your father because this is the best way to talk with him, where you don’t have direct eye-to-eye contact. Get your blood-pressure issue fixed.

Accept the possibly inevitable issue with your mental health and lack of self-confidence. You might never be 90% okay and you’ll regret the things you didn’t do when you still might stay the same way.

You have to talk with people more WHILE you’re not self-confident. It’s clear you aren’t like them. But you need to stop being so much in your comfort zone. At home you think you will conquer the world. When you’re outside, you want to go back home. And it’s going to stay this way till you’re not getting hold of the more ‘granular’ pieces of life, the pieces that often only come from experience. You won’t find the puzzle pieces from inside your head, as comfortable as that would be. You have to adapt with the world.

By next June, I won’t have big expectations from you in terms of mental-health. I’ll expect little progress especially since you’ll have to study harder then ever before. But I hope you improved your relationship with your parents and are okay with how not-okay you feel. Bye


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