You’ll be 20 years old soon. And I have no idea how to not sound like a kid anymore. I guess I’ll still live with my kiddish ways, besides, adults need to work on lubing up their inner-child sh*t- they are way too serious.
But people think I am serious too when they look at me. Once you get to know me, you see the smily-er aspects of me. Like this dude ———->
I don’t know how to honestly talk to you. I am so weird around you. And you ain’t nice either, you judge me so much, but you’re being more chill nowadays.How much I lived in a hormonal illusion. Hormones make me think of pregnant ladies. Oh, we’re all pregnant with hormones in our teens, you weirdo.
And I am glad to get out of this “teen” thing, with all it’s faulty mechanism in my body and mind always completing.
Though ‘age’ is just a construct made to predict how much time we have left yet to die, even though death doesn’t always follow a neat “born->cry>get old->die” serial, we still care so much about it. Okay I am being overly simplistic again. We should care about when our teeth’s gonna fall out and not look our bestest- you’re honestly shallow and you can’t help it. Well, most nice people will say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder- but give them one physical trait that not “traditionally beautiful” (depends on where they live though).Make them get all the things things they subjectively think aren’t beautiful (but hide it about in themselves) and let their true, shallow side shine through.
I wanted to believe that everyone thought beauty was on the inside.Including myself.
Letting go of beauty standards is hard because we all have an innate need to be wanted, don’t we? And beauty comes in the “want” category. For now, I just have to remove more standards for beauty, one standard at a time. I’ll accept this side of myself to feel for people who aren’t okay with their looks. It’s hard that people judge you by your looks, and it’s true that you bring happiness to yourself, but that’s gruesomely painful work to go through to bring happiness when you don’t like yourself, I’ll be realistic. Especially when you’re trying and you see videos saying “being beautiful is hard” is a slap to the face when you don’t even believe beauty even APPLIES to you. Honestly, if someone thought beauty is hard, they oughto do a plastic surgery to remove it, please. Since more people have plastic surgery to remove beauty, you know? Accepting your feelings is okay, denying them is not.Accepting yourself is hard when you don’t like you for you. And accepting that it is hard is so crucial for you to start to like yourself. Because you’ll be constantly judging yourself for not liking yourself- and that’s too much judgment. Healing work is not easy- I have an anxiety disorder- so trust me on that. It takes courage to feel what you really feel.
You’ve also realized that things can’t be all that simple. Like having “complete” hope, never having to go through a tough “maturity-time” as you call them, which is a nice word for “hard times”.You know quite a lot. You just don’t practically understand quite a lot. And you mostly know that, so you’re in for bigger “maturity-times” now. You know now that those “maturity”-times are coming your way a lot more now. You’ve always loved to ignore them, to deny them…….and you still do.
But it’s because reality hasn’t given you the “big” push out of your rebellious positivity to “make the impossible possible”. You intuitively know that believing that is shit. World peace ain’t gonna happen completely for you or for anyone on this planet. You can’t help everyone- but helping everyone shouldn’t be the goal. The goal is to spread as much positivity and hope as possible in a world like this. You intuitively always knew that EVERYONE couldn’t be happy, but you know this better when you read the newspapers.
Basically, you’ve learnt that just being fluent in being “introspective” isn’t enough to get you what you desire. You have to be good at life itself, as well. Getting what you want can be hard work. Growth is hard and slow- another thing you intuitively know (but like to deny,. even though this was proven to you in your own life multiple times).
Relaxation takes a long time. Bettering relationships take a long time. Developing your own voice takes a long time. And those are all still works in progress.
You once thought you could “think” sh*t away- you be mad- you be disappointed. Even reading the previous line makes you horrified (trying to bring some ‘funny’ into an otherwise serious post :)) )
“Hardwork”? “Slow perseverance”? Who are you, Mon? You’re boring and delusional. Now think towards peace and success, come one, time is for over-thinking and day-dreaming. And quit thinking about all this. You don’t even have to study. Go play some video-games. ”
To Delusional Mon- I am on my way!
But seriously. I’ll say this again, most of these are still just dancing around in my awareness. Even though I got practically hit with practicality (huehue), I still don’t want to think practically (huehue….huehue). But I shouldn’t “have” to think practically. As Shakira said in the song Try Everything, “Nobody learns without getting it wrong”. I need to get “living on my own” wrong, I need to seek out failure more, just to see how the world works. Too much of imagination isn’t good for reality. Boy I sound serious.
But anyway, I know the next decade, if you live through it, will be better than the previous one. You sort of have your basics right. You know you’ll be foolish. You know things will hit you. And getting mental-preparedness is the first step. Or maybe you’re still delusional, it’s pretty possible, you don’t even have to pay for your own food yet. But….
Teens are important. You develop more mentally and physically. You start to learn that you need to hold your own ground. You learn that there are more ways to live than how your parents teach (especially with the internet breaking the lines between countries and cultures….most of the time). You can become mentally rebellious. And then when you see that life is bigger than you are, you learn to accept this new reality more…..and stop being so rebellious (lol).
You see things a little clearly more. Life becomes more “we’re all dealing with this together” than “me against world and my teen hormones” because you know not everyone will always get their way. And that only “getting your way”-mentality was just some teenage preparation for accepting real life soon. That “take charge” mentality to deal better, give yourself a break Mon, it’s only your teens. You did your best :p
More things are coming. You’re slowly transitioning into a more relaxed personae. You’re realizing more that some things will be the way they are, because you’ve physically seen how things never change. You wouldn’t have learnt it without first “getting it wrong” in your head. You hate this painful process of failure to learning. But it’s the way everyone learns too.
This got way more philosophical than I wanted it to be.But I think I got my main point across to you. Don’t let these painful learnings from the past decade just fly past you (though I am sure they will, you haven’t had much “practical”-experience to have it all “seep” into your mind yet. But you’re in the process). Be prepared for uncertaintly.
But maintain that childish outlook on life. Now look at this video below, Mon! I had my hands to my chest and got worried that the elk wouldn’t pass. It’s silly, things worser than this are happening, but the reason it got to me was that I could see it. And life’s like that too, you have to see it to learn how you feel about it from it. “Experience” is better than mere “awareness”. Life isn’t all bad , see how the other elks waited for their friend to join them? Elks don’t always get lost. Anyway, quit thinking and go to bed it’s late now.