I go deep into my traits

I will journal about what others do and what I think about it; I’d go nuts if I don’t.

If I am going to be constantly judging myself, I should do the same for others in my head. Where do I start? I am going to write in bold of the people, because I tend to be very introspective and get lost in my thoughts. So you can see who exactly are the “people” here. So…

Jill didn’t call out on another girl who did the same thing as me because she happened to be her friend. And not even a close friend, but more like a hi -bye friend.

I felt disgusted with myself as a kid. I just always intuitively knew I was different. I couldn’t figure out why the other kids couldn’t see me as their equal. The only conclusions I could come to was I probably looked like a monster. And they were grossed out. This went on from the age of 10 (I know, pretty young) to…..now. It’s kind of ridiculous to think I look like a monster when I look good enough to myself at the moment- with my bucked-teeth and all but still. And yet that thought was conditioned in me and that’s the kind of conclusion I tend to come to when I wonder why others like me less.

A while ago, Teacher asked what kind of depressants I took, out loud, in front of everyone. It’s difficult to wonder how she is a Bangali women and yet she doesn’t know the Bengali culture; does she know not of how people are going to ostracize me for my mental-illness? Mother told me never to utter a word about my anxiety because cruel people might take advantage of me, emotionally and physically. I have no idea how the ‘physically’ part can happen, but I think mother thinks that I would be so traumatized I wouldn’t even be able to talk or anything. I sound like that kind of person, but I do try to stay as safe as possible. I don’t understand where Mom was coming from though about even being in that position, or if she meant the aftermath of such an event, then she’s very right.

The teacher asked me if it was some form of depressant that’ll affect my nerves, I just didn’t want to talk about it, so I just quickly said, “Yes,”. I was wrong to think she wouldn’t ask me any of such questions-(If you’re wondering, It’s definitely NOT a medicine that’s affecting my nerves. We wouldn’t take such a risk!)

My Mother shared about my mental-illness with teacher. I wasn’t angry that Mother shared this, because I honestly too thought the teacher knew enough to keep it a secret, it’s a sensitive topic. But no. She ADVICES me in front of EVERYONE on how to keep myself “sane”. She tells me I am young and I don’t do anything much- hence I get “silly” over little things.

Here’s a lesson to everyone who is reading this- no matter how old, or how much money a person makes, or how much education that person may have, it truly f*cking truly doesn’t guarantee you about their common-sense. It’s a shockingly big lesson to learn if you end up like me.

I started with Jill and I somehow got to my teacher. This is why I am so judgmental about myself because I have all these messy, messy thoughts inside my head that are somehow interconnected to each other. I have to write them out to make “space”.

I was going to talk about Jill gossiping about me really. I will proudly admit that I look pretty stupid, I always have a very dumb look about me. I always look like a confused person because of my anxiety. My eye-brows are always up a little or more and I have to stop myself and de-stress to make my face look normal again. And I look and sound very unnoticeable. And to add to that, I almost act like I don’t get whatever is happening around me. But the thing is, I understand enough to be able to try to take care of myself.

So even when others are whispering to each other about me, I act like I can’t notice a thing. I don’t want to get myself into messes . But here’s the thing. Here’s the thing I notice about everone who gossips about me- I notice how composed those girls keep themselves when they do it. It’s like no part of them is ashamed of the fact that they’re even trying to hide that about themselves.

When they’re gossiping, it looks more like they’re fangirling about celebrities in an excited tone. They’re such experts on how to not let others know who they’re on about. They don’t even look my way, not even a bit. After they’re done talking about me, they look even more unaware of my existence, like their talk was about nothing. I know enough about what society condemns “weird” and “dumb”- and I can read others expressions too about how funny they find me. And the effort they put into pretending to not notice me when they’re talking about me. It’s just so obvious that they themselves don’t even know it. Or maybe they do, and they just don’t care. I wouldn’t be surprised about that too.

I actually do weird thing- a) I wear men’s sandles because they’re comfortable, I don’t give a fuck about the aunties who gives me that “look” about my footwear. B) I am very absent-minded. I am always deep into thoughts, so when the teachers are explaining maths or whatever, I only get half of what the teacher says. It’s not like I can’t hear her, I do. It’s just that the thoughts in my head are louder. C) Because of no. b, I tend to ask a lot of questions, and even obvious ones, because even when I deduce what a person says from listening to half of their talk, my anxiety convinces me that my understanding of it is not right. That I need to clear things up. D) And most of all, I really am just weird. I don’t do every single thing like other people. I don’t understand how everyone is so okay with “the specifics”, can’t people be a little more open about things and ideas? I never see any other girl dressed up like the way I dress myself or whatever. I see things from a weird angle and well, I even make myself laugh. I make myself laugh often and it makes Mom kind of uncomfortable. She doesn’t say that, but I can tell. I am sorry, I am just too funny, Mommy.

I am kind of stupid with social-behavior too. You know what I do if I ever happen to gossip? And did used to gossip about others, but not often though. Anyway when I do talk about someone, I LOOK at the person I am talking about while doing it. I can’t help but LOOK. It’s like, my gossip won’t be done with if I just don’t give the person I am talking about some subtle clue as to what I am doing. My anxiety makes me do that. My anxiety also makes my lips quiver or make my eyes move around quick when I lie but this happens occasionally if it is a petty lie. So that’s one good thing about my anxiety, it scares me into being a better person xD But other than that. I just don’t know. I just don’t know what to even think.

It’s really no use as to how many people tell me I am smart or whatever. I really have to make myself believe that at first. Because I did hear people say that. My aunt says I am highly analytical about other people’s bahaviour. My mother things that too, which is why she asks me a lot of questions about why my father does the stupid crap he does, and she almost always agrees with the conclusions I come up with. I think I am pretty “people-analytical” than “logical-analytical” but sometimes I can’t even trust myself with the things I come up with. Which is why I have to write to make my head-space less messy. Oh man. Long, long, long post. Have a nice day and if you’re weird, know you ain’t alone.

But to the people who still don’t get it, I honestly know I say a lot of dumb things. I often do that to sound funny, but people tend to take you seriously too. I second-guess my intelligence all the time, I analyze everything I say or write to a person. I can’t help it, my OCD does it. And almost 80% of the time I don’t correct myself after knowing how dumb I am. I don’t correct myself unless the thoughts get me too much, but I do. I see it so often. I see it so much. The things I say that don’t make sense.

Like for example, how I mention that I called a suicide-hotline and then ended up waiting an hour for a call without even doing it to myself already. I just share half of everything, but when I sound dumb, I don’t feel like correcting myself to the other person, because I think that if they found me so “unintelligent” without asking any questions, then I really can’t go far with such a person. It sounds dumb to even not want to correct myself (even though my mind screams too). And now I am wondering how I am mentioning a serious topic like suicide in a post about correcting myself. And now I am wondering if I SHOULD be thought of as unintelligent or insensitive for that. And now I am thinking why I haven’t even deleted this stupid para yet. But the thing is, even I don’t get it. My mind rules me, not the other way around. And the thing is, I am analyzing EVERYTHING I do and say all the time like this. I can think of a 100 dumb things and more I said in this post if anyone asked me to list them, it’s easy to criticize my thoughts. It’s like, if I think about something, I won’t let it go until I’ve thoroughly thought of it- and now to do that all the time, nowadays less than I used because it took effort to even get to a place like this, kind of sucks. And yes, if you’re wondering, I am still judging about a lot of things in this post but if I keep judging I will never get to ever publishing any of my posts on this blog so I just go along with it. Even when I think about all the things that haven’t made sense to me yet.

“Silently laughing weirdo” out.


24 thoughts on “I go deep into my traits

  1. 2ndhalfolife says:

    To me all I see is an incredibly insightful, tuned in, self aware young woman! You amaze me with your words, your sensitivity and expansive ability to see and understand so much. If you could only understand how far advanced you are to others your age and that is what makes you so different…it’s not that you are weird, or strange or dumb dear. It’s actually quite the opposite! xo

  2. Chained King says:

    Not sure in which order to respond so here goes:

    1) Speaking objectively as a Bangladeshi, this generation has been lacking in terms of culture, sophistication, education instilled with ethical values, and a mind open to diverse experience.
    I disliked school because I was made to feel different for asking questions. My classmates called me crazy for asking difficult questions to my teachers that were outside of the syllabus… well I got bored with the syllabus and I read extensively on whatever I could get my hands on so yeah Bangladeshi education snuffs out curiosity or passion… whatever you feel like calling it… ultimately I felt like it was all pointless and we needed a major overhaul or reform to our existing approach of how to best teach kids.

    2) Gossiping is a drag. I’m an insomniac. Can’t stop thinking at night… some call it “Rumination”. So when I wake up late or look tired in school they made up stories like I was an a pot smoker. I knew better than to take these things at face value because people say things about others to make themselves feel better about their own short comings.

    “If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to defend yourself you should say: “He obviously does not know me very well, since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned”- Epictetus

    3) “Why not leave their private sorrows to people? Is sorrow not, one asks, the only thing in the world people really possess?”

    ― Vladimir Nabokov, Pnin

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Oh man, that’s so right. I remember this man who once said that if anyone needed help, they could call him. If girls needed help, they could call him too. Then he added, “Don’t worry, I like men too though, guys are free to call me” and everyone had this horrified face. We are a long way from appreciating this thing called “others’ personal choice that happens to not affect my own life”.

      I am not shocked that a teacher wouldn’t defend a student who was actually curious to learn something. This happens to me too, “WHY would you ask THAT question!?” Like a brief answer wouldn’t do and I would take up all the time from the syllabus since the teachers had bad time-management :p

      Ohooo boy. LOL, I do that constantly, the internal gossiping. Why would they do that? What are their motives? Do they lack something in themselves? All these psychoanalysis makes me crazy. But it doesn’t happen at the level where I wouldn’t be able to stop sleeping for it. How long was it since you had this problem? 😮

      Thanks for sharing the quotes, appreciate them, also Epictetus’s sass 😀 ha

      • Chained King says:

        It’s been a while. I’d say my sleep patterns have been worrisome since around 8th grade. At that time I had it particularly bad, and right now I’m much better off speaking purely in relative terms. Have you played the game Undertale? In Undertale there is a character named Sans that doesn’t bother to do anything because he believes all his effort can be overwritten. I feel the same way sometimes, my dad and grand father achieved a lot and I’m often told that I’d never be as great, but who said I wanted to be exactly like them? Lol. None of us are the same, though as human beings all of us have emotions. It’s just that some of us lean towards the positive side of the spectrum of emotions and others edge towards the negative owing to any number of factors. I try to enjoy the simple things these days instead of worrying if every piece of the puzzle fits.

      • Mon ☠ says:

        Understale. I keep hearing that word. I need to check out that show/movie. You are describing me a lot by describing yourslf. It would be a lot easier if emotions could go away if we just willed them, and come again to our will. Life would be much more productive and less Sans ha. How’ve your exams been?

  3. isms says:

    If blogging is anything – it’s to let you know you’re not alone. You be you. You sound pretty intelligent to me, and despite how everyone and everything literally seems to be working against you – I feel if you were somewhere else you wouldn’t question half of this – you’re doing pretty awesome.

  4. willytyme says:

    Normality is irrelevantly peoples perception as to what is normal and what is “so-called” weird. Normal people scare me because they are robotic and don’t carry the ability to think for themselves. You know what, to put yourself at ease, people are talking about you. Their insecurities are something they have to get out and they are jealous of you because you posses the beauty that makes them feel ugly. Never sell yourself short on how smart you are, people who usually laugh at themselves are more sane than those who don’t which is why I crack myself up. It just means you’re and people hate that because misery loves company.
    You know, everyone have voices in their head. The voices in my head drive me crazy!!! The voices in my head speaks Spanish and I don’t even know Spanish which is why I go crazy, they could be saying anything, good or bad and I wouldn’t know the difference. Your blogs and your imagination brings things to life and that takes a high level of intelligence, and for the record, I hate math. Teachers are nothing but people who grew up before us, nothing more. I can talk circles around some of my teachers. The voices in my head rules me!!!! *Weirder weirdo laugh mixed with a villainous laugh* “hehehehe” Weird, trust me, you are not alone. I’m on that boat with you, which means i’m in good company! ;o)

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Yeah. But there’s just soo many “normals” out there and they outnumber us, the f@cktards. It can be hard when “normals” are the norm xD Yeah, I do forget that there has to be some sanity in laughing at myself. Oh man, haha. The voices in my head are actually in English. Almost all the times. That’s scary to have spanish voices when you fon’ know the language itself. *villainously laughs back in Spanish” (Yes, in spanish). I know I am in good company when you’re here too 🙂 You rock!

  5. Wake38 says:

    I have always associated “normal” with boring, replicas, routine and mediocre. Lately, I have been turning over why I use the word weird when I am in a conversation with “normal” people. I believe it’s because they need my help to ease them into ideas and behaviors that don’t mirror 90 percent of the population!
    I wish you all the best as you continue decorate your path with more supportive individuals. –W38
    P.S. My initial comment was filled with a lot of slapping (your Teacher) and cursing (Jill).

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Oh man, I am so glad your initial comment went that way1 Haha, yeah. We live in a horribly dominated sensory world where people don’t think absract much, it’s hard. And so you’re bound to think something’s wrong with you when everyone is so easy with talking about “normal” things. *sighs* Thank you, I am glad I could relate to you

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Oh man, I am so glad your initial comment went that way1 Haha, yeah. We live in a horribly dominated sensory world where people don’t think abstract much, it’s hard. And so you’re bound to think something’s wrong with you when everyone is so easy with talking about “normal” things. *sighs* Thank you, I am glad I could relate to you

  6. Dizzy Chick says:

    Ah…you weirdo. Join the crowd. Being normal is so over rated!!
    I love that you have enough courage to wear things that you want instead of being dictated to by the staus quo. You have a free spirit, nothing wrong with that.

    The people gossiping, often gossip is just a way to fit in, they are insecure and can’t feel that they would fit in if they didn’t gossip about others, it makes them feel superior. Unfortunately, they often target in on the same people over and over. That makes it easier. They don’t have to worry about offending someone in their click.

    Worry about you and not so much about others, if you can. This will help your anxiety and your self esteem.

    I’m not sure you would ever be comfortable gossiping, or lying much, because you are you. That is wonderful. You get anxious because you should. People who don’t have this filter are sad. I used to gossip, it made me feel I fit in with this group of people. Oh the drama though. I felt so guilty. Not a good thing, I think you are the same….from what I’ve read on you blog.

    Now about that teacher!! She was wayyyy out of line. Next time anything like that happens, tell them you don’t know what they are talking about, they must be confused with someone else. If that doesn’t give them a clue that you don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about it, it should confuse them enough to shut up. just act like they are stupid and have no idea what they are talking about. which they don’t. Practice this in your head over and over that way you won’t feel like you are lying. You maybe a little, but you aren’t in a way. They don’t know what they are talking about, and they must have you confused with someone else who wants to talk about it. You are just leaving off the last part.

    Feel good about you, you are a good person. and you are a free spirit…I Know I said that before. don’t get sucked into the ugliness of others. Stay original.

    But I will say, never be ashamed to say when you feel you are wrong and need to correct yourself. it shows strength. don’t apologize, just correct if needed. Only if needed, not just because someone didn’t “get” what you were saying.

    BTW, I make myself laugh a lot too. My husband loves that about me. Now I do too.

    {{BIG HUG}} I think you need one.

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Oh, LOL. Thank you, I bought some new men’s sandles and I like them. I know, because I used to gossip (and still do, to my mother) and I can tell with so much certainty that I only do it to feel better, less “how-I-am’ish”. Thank you for all your lovely words. Everyday since I read this comment, I no longer felt as bad as laughing alone. I think about this comment everytime I make myself laugh 🙂 You’re a lucky one, with your hub 🙂 *hugs back*

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