Update: I write rules or do some serious self-introspection work every once in a while and then not follow through with the knowledge I gain from it xD The one below was written a couple months ago and now I am like, “Bleh. Rules..” But I am going to give #6 another think though. How do I make studying fun? Hmmm…..And yeah, the rules below are going to be confusing because I only wrote them for myself. I didn’t think I would be posting them in a blog xD So I will make them a wittle clearer xD And yeah, I primarily do write in English :p And I am silly even when I write to myself too (if you read rule no. 5) xD
Alright. without further ado-ing…..
No 1 is about being more authentic about my true self.
No.2 is to help with No. 1 and trying to distinguish between my own opinions and my adopted opinions from society.
No 4 is about not being so needy about people. Read: Needy Me
No. 5 is learning to not kill myself after telling myself “It’s okay as long as I am breathing”.
Alrithey…now thou shalth readeth.
Written on 22-Oct-15:
I don’t want to feel bad. I made rules for myself today:
- Find the difference in the way I do sh*t and embrace my sh*t – be it a pretty sight or not, it’s still something no one can ever f*cking come up with like the way I do.
- Feel thoroughly. Distinguish between thoughts I am adopting just because I want people to like me and the stuffed feelings I have about the fake thoughts. Feel my way out of ass-kissing people and certain ideas (lol). If it doesn’t feel right, it’s definitely not right.
- Ignore people who don’t talk or behave with tact.
- Balance my neediness with getting a life (lol). Write, listen to piano/opera music to calm myself, read magazines, etc Take breaks from creative work, don’t get too infused in them either.
- Embrace grief and fear, you can’t escape it, it’s really wired in your brain to feel sh*t, You might as well embrace it and feel through them then stuff them in and feel awful later. You’re okay as long as you’re breathing, don’t slap me for saying that, please, Mon! Yes I am only saying it because I am not having any overwhelming feelings at the moment, you are right…wait, Mon. Why do you have that!? I am sorry! No, Mon! Don’t. Do. This. Please…… *Mon shoots Mon*
- Most important of all: Infuse a little fun with everything you do. You’re dying anyway, Explore methods to think and do something differently and have fun 😮
I didn’t want to make rules because rules always feel so limiting and upsetting. But since everything we do is to make ourselves feel better, I might as well make some just to make quicker decisions. I felt a little restricted at first but then I made little notes for it in my house. It surprisingly makes me feel centered. But if I think too much about it, I feel too stiff and stuck. So mentally told myself I don’t have to think about all of them. Just one at a time, whenever, or not if I don’t feel like it. No pressure.
Also, period sucks, it’s knocked out my seedling of logical thoughts which was left in my huge mental recess. Period: The reasons for all these emotional outbursts, no, a little bit of the reason. My emotions are deep, intense and intricate that I feel scared to feel them; every feeling as other subcategories. When I feel love for someone, it’s 20 different kinds of love and the other ones I have in me but haven’t felt yet. I bumble along life with my inner bullshit and try to think “real”. I wish someone could be there and tell me, “It’s okay to be a f*cktard,” and then gives me a hug. Okay kidding, lol. I just wish someone could understand the poke-y-ness of these sharp, acute, deep feelings of love, fear, loneliness and mostly woo-woo sh*t.
I try to feel my way through my feelings……on a semi-regular basis. And every time it helps to feel lighter. Doesn’t help when OCD goes all,” Heeeheee, there’s more, Mooooonnnn,”. Yeah, don’t screw with me, imbecile
Image By Glitchy Artist