My eyes are dull. I did some introspecting last night and it made no sense. I’ve actually believed in horoscopes for a while. And I don’t trust horoscopes. But I needed something that could give me some assurance of things to come. And now I think it’s crap all over.
I always think it’s nothing. Nothing is happening. Until I write. Before I write, it’s like, whatever. But I feel like I have to make rationalizations for my feelings. This world humps effectiveness and rationalization, to the point the world itself is destroying it’s humanness. Can’t we just make decisions based on what “feels right”? Because I need to stop. “You have no reason to be depressed,” etc etc. No, even if I do have a reason to feel depressed, I can’t put that in words either.
Feeling just can’t be expressed by any means. Feelings aren’t things “out there” that you can touch and feel and measure. Some things just don’t feel right. I don’t have to owe myself an explanation. When I explain, I victimize myself. No. The drawback of feeling things intensely is the lack of trust you have in your own motives. “Oh, I must be a terrible person. Because I can’t explain why I feel bad about this very “good” thing and hence, I have bad motives”. No. I am sick of this. I feel like NOTHING happens in my life and yet I feel really strongly.
Maybe I will find someone who won’t treat me like some item that has x and y results with answers. Maybe someone will get that I get stupid over little things. Stupidly emotional. I don’t want to feel bad about having feelings. I’ve been holding it in for so long. I can’t explain how I even held it in, how it happened, why these thoughts are even here. But like I said, I am going to need to hold more space for myself and accept when I can’t put language around my rationale.