What I didn’t share

I think about how silly mistakes my parents did messed me up. And then I think about how other women handle it, street-harrassment I mean. The mean entitled stares you get from these monsters who lives off of scaring. Or maybe other women don’t experience that. But my therapist said all women here have to deal with this and this is a sad fact. But I don’t see other kids being sensitive over it. But that wasn’t the main reason I wanted to write. I am not even sure why.

My mother has diabetes. It’s sad because a)She has it and b) I am more sad for her than I was for Dad when he thought he had diabetes. It seemed like it was all in his head, all the symptoms, and now my mother is the one with real diabetes.

Dad is sick mentally. Let’s call my father “Baba”, which is what I call him. Writing “Dad” or “My father” sounds awful to me for some reason. My Baba is a selfish, perverted bitch who loves me. I didn’t think I was comfortable enough to share this on the blog, but now I am sharing and I am tearing up. That’s all I am going to say, no he didn’t molest me, but he’s sick. Ew. It’s just gross to think your father would have such weird feelings towards you. That’s all I will say.

My bitch of a therapist takes so much money and yet….she’s not caring. It’s not like she did anything, but I sensed it from her by her behavious how she was more concerned with money than for me. I know therapists aren’t your besties, they are there to help. But this bitch got to me. She was teaching me these techniques to relax and had to stop because time was over. She couldn’t take a few monutes to briefly show me the way. The costly bitch says, “Alright, I will teach you the rest during next session”. Like, bitch, why the fuck were you yapping about the importance of relaxation techniques when this was the reason I came for this session? When time was THAT important to you? And you showed me two ways to do it. Whatever I have the internet, I don’t need you for it.

But all these feelings are mostly brought on because of learning my mother has diabetis. Gosh darn it. I told myself I could handle it.

Advertisements

34 thoughts on “What I didn’t share

  1. LosiLosLoco says:

    Aww. Well, venting is healthy! Vent it all out Pinecone. Be one with the vent! πŸ˜› But seriously, your frustration isn’t something to hate. At least you haven’t lost your ability to feel emotion. Then I’d be worried. Still, I send you love ❀ Take care.

  2. wendy says:

    I’m not exactly sure why your mom having diabetes has brought back all of this.
    Type 2 diabetes can be controlled and even reversed sometimes….I have a friend who no longer has it because she changed her life so much.
    It has to be taken care of. I have another friend who knows everything to do and doesn’t. She hasn’t changed her eatting, doesn’t take care of herself, doesn’t keep up with medication schedule. She was rushed to the ER last year because her blood pressure went so high.
    I hope your mom will take care of herself and make any life style changes she needs.

    I understand what you meant about your father. That is pretty scaring too. Don’t think you weren’t affected because you weren’t molested. It screws with your mind.

    Therapy is hard. Finding a therapist that is a good fit is hard. If you feel comfortable at all with her and want to stay, then tell her at the beginning of the session that you want to know at least 10 mins before time is up so you can wrap up your sessions properly. I had a therapist who always did that, 5 – 10 minutes out. It helps. Biggest thing, you have to trust her.
    I understand she has to stay on schedule, but you shouldn’t feel short changed.

    Once again, you are brave to talk so openly.
    This is probably pretty good therapy. xo

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Me and Mom are making small changes together in our diet. Because my grandfather has it too so she thinks I might get it. And my Dad had similar issues which went away after he started walking more.

      Thanks Wendy. Yeah, it does screw with your mind when your own father is like this. It’s embarrassing and disgusting to love someone who is like this.

      I don’t know what to do about my therapist, but yeah I will take that suggestion. Next time she starts blabbering, I will jusr mention how much longer we have. Thanks, Wendy, for your therapy, ha ❀

  3. willytyme says:

    I know a good way to relax lovely, quit going to therapy because, take it from me, they cause more stress than tranquility. The fact that you post your feelings shows that your a strong person. You know the saying “Some people got skeletons in their closets”? Well, some people got cementaries in their closet, a bone might pop out their mouth if you talk to them. I’m sorry about your Mom, that sucks, and whatever your Baba does, it’s not cool. You are one of the strongest minded bloggers I know, that’s why I come here, your one of the people I draw strength from. I feel like a leach and that sucks!! Get it, leach….sucks?!!! HAHA!! Anyways, chin up Mon, your beautiful, but why do I tell you things you already know?

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Nah, Willy. I still need her. The thing is, I still need some form of outlet that can handle my sh*t. I can’t just be sitting here brooding over my stuff all the time. If there’s one thing I learnt from therapy, it’s that talking does help immensely. And then, she gets paid to hear me talk. So hard chance I will be able to do that with anyone else in reality because they’ll think I am a weirdo for wanting to pay them to listen to me speak. No small-talk, no nothing. Just listening. This sounds super sad, but a lot of us could use that here. Booooo lol

      • willytyme says:

        Well, I guess if your getting something from it, then it can’t be all that bad. I guess that’s why therapist exist, for the sole purpose of having others try to figure out their issues. But for the record, I’d listen to you for free…..music to my ears. ;o)

  4. elizabetcetera says:

    Maybe you’re worrying about your mom takes your mind off your own stuff and with diabetes your mind can go wild — like to the point of ulcers, amputations and dialysis. Maybe you’re worried she won’t control it well. Or that you’ll have to step in, and although you love her, it will be just one more thing on your plate to manage.

    A good therapist IS really hard to find. I think I’ve had one in my whole life out of maybe 10. Those are not good statistics! I also appreciate what therapists do, but I also recognize that some of them just aren’t very good, don’t care, are burned out or doing this job for the wrong reason.

    Yep, the internet friend, always there when you need it! So look up that stuff and that therapist can go suck it since she didn’t have time to simply be complete leaving you dangling like a carrot on a stick. If she did that intentionally it’s quite a manipulative move.

    And your baba, maybe you didn’t feel so bad about his imaginary diabetes because on some level maybe you thought he deserved it … I don’t know … I’m not a therapist and my bill is NOT in the mail! πŸ˜‰

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Mom does take my mind off of the bad stuff, but she and dad are the reason why I have this “stuff”. I don’t know. I don’t like blaming them anymore, I don’t want them gone. Yeah, and about Baba, maybe I did think that. Thank you, ELiza for the kind comment ❀ They mean a lot

      • elizabetcetera says:

        I don’t know you personally, so I can have this outside perspective that may be on the mark — something you never thought about … and I could be totally off the mark as well!

        I try continually to move away from blaming my parents, but as human nature is, it still happens. I know they never did negative things on purpose, but I can’t help wishing things were different sometimes.

      • Mon ☠ says:

        Oh, it’s a journey. A journey to not blame my parents. Although even after learning from their mistakes, they end up repeating them. But I am learning to be more acclimated with handling things on my own. And I am being more verbal with mother about what hurts me or not. So it’s still a journey. But it’s going better than I expected πŸ™‚

  5. DaisyWillows says:

    I’m not quite sure what you mean about Baba but it is is natural to worry about your mum. Especially if she is a good mum. Not all mums are the same. Diabetes can be controlled -she just needs to take care of herself and she has your support by the sounds of it. xx Maybe it is time to find a new therapist. Look into different types of therapy approaches and methods and if if something hits your gut try something new. It’s just me suggesting stuff – feel free to ignore πŸ˜€

    • Mon ☠ says:

      I was a bit unclear about what I wrote about my father. Maybe I will explain it in another vlog, I got extremely emotional and wrote crap then. But yeah I M not freaked out about Mom anymore. I am just a skittle concerned and were starting to make some small changes. And I doubt I would find a better therapist. Good help is so hard to find. But thank you so much for sending the love and the concern cxxx

    • Mon ☠ says:

      My Goodness, what the screw up! That guy’s horrible! I am sorry you had to go through that, but at the same time, it comforts me to know others who’ve been through similar experiences.

  6. Jen says:

    I’m sorry you’re your mom has diabetes. My mother does as well :?. You guys can get through it together.
    Also, I understand what you mean about therapists! Mine always makes me feel a bit frustrated when she says “ok we have to stop now” right when I was getting to something deep. Then by hr following week o feel like I’m at a different problem and the one I had last week cannot be discussed any further. Extra frustrating because my therapist always starts late 😑. I’m going to give it a couple more weeks before I decide if I want to find a new therapist. Maybe you can find someone new? Someone who understand a you better? I “dumped a male therapist I had because he seemed robotic and emotionless and not very understanding. It was difficult to tell him face to face I didn’t like his ways, but now I can see what it is I want and need versus what makes me uncomfortableZ maybe you can find someone better! ☺️
    Sending you well wishes!

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Thanks, yeah. We both decided to cut white rice out of our diet and try som other kinds. And this therapist was actually the best of all the ones I’ve been too, I don’t think I can leave her. But maybe I will visit her a little less. I had trouble with male therapists too, I have a tough time opening up to them. *hugs back* Thank you, Love

  7. Xeno says:

    I know the feeling when it seems like your therapist doesn’t care as much about your health. maybe that’s not the right therapist for you, perhaps you could try another?

    you need not always be ‘strong’. it’s okay to admit that you’re vulnerable sometimes in the right kind of environment, cry as you need to, then focus your energies on healing. may not be straightforward or anything (some issues take years, lifetimes to get over), but it’s good to be honest with yourself and be mindful of the signals your heart and mind are sending you.

    wishing you well…

  8. Aayusi says:

    Firstly, even I gotta face those street monsters. It’s somehow terrifying! I feel like kicking them off the surface of the earth!
    Next, 90% therapists are like that ugh!
    Hope your mother gets along fine! N diabetes ain’t that much to worry about …she’ll be alryt n as fit as a horse ….of course a Lil care has to taken (u must be knowing that aldready …! Sorry)

Please write! :'(

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s