The months ending the year wasn’t particularly rainbows and unicorns. With my exams nearing and Mom getting angrier and angrier, my depression rising and rising. All those stuff.
“I got emotional. I’ve been crying a lot of late. Today I was feeling fear while I was studying. I lied down in bed and tried to feel through the feelings. All of a sudden I gt some flashback of a blue sky and a lady in dark hijab. I don’t know what that was about. But the flashback itself sort of scared me. And I was feeling all this fear and tried to go through them.”
“I don’t want to care about Cammie, but when I talk to her, my heart sinks. I am not sure if she took me seriously when I said drugs can cause troubles for making babies :I She seemed serious, but I am unsure because she fakes her personality a lot. I call her 3-4 times a week just to…keep her balanced I guess, so she doesn’t feel too alone in this.”
“I need to die now. Right now. Why am I here? What am I even doing being here? What the f*cking use am I? OH KILL ME NOW!
You really need the right people around you. You seriously do. Or else you’re screwed. No matter how many times I tell myself I am not needy, I am just needy as fuck so much, I can’t even handle myself. I WISH I WAS AN EMOTIONLESS monster! I wish I was JUST not as feeling as I am now. Oh my goodness. I need to hurt myself so bad.”
“Why do I need to be here? I don’t want to dissapoing myself and Mom. It is really too much to ask for a non-screaming mother. I don’t know. But I think I matter and I deserve someone who is more patient with me.
Right after I wrote the above para, I broke into tears.
How could we live in the 21st century and still not have enough awareness of mental health”
“I have started meditating again. Started it. My mother isn’t okay with me being unable to study. Music doesn’t help much anymore with studying. I hide all these downloads of meditations from Mom but when Mom came in again to pressure me to study, I just cried and showed her. All these lines of meditation tracks. I just want to get better or just die. If my illness was physical, it would be something incurable. And it would be something unmanageable. Because it’s been years, more than 8 years I am going through this. Trying to get better. And now I feel like I’ve gotten worse. I am just super emotional right now because of Mom. I don’t know. I am feeling better now, not crying as much.”
Image Taken from: Sad Girl Drawing