Sad Logs (Nov-Dec’15)

The months ending the year wasn’t particularly rainbows and unicorns. With my exams nearing and Mom getting angrier and angrier, my depression rising and rising. All those stuff.

Log 1:

“I got emotional. I’ve been crying a lot of late. Today I was feeling fear while I was studying. I lied down in bed and tried to feel through the feelings. All of a sudden I gt some flashback of a blue sky and a lady in dark hijab. I don’t know what that was about. But the flashback itself sort of scared me. And I was feeling all this fear and tried to go through them.”

Log 2:

“I don’t want to care about Cammie, but when I talk to her, my heart sinks. I am not sure if she took me seriously when I said drugs can cause troubles for making babies :I She seemed serious, but I am unsure because she fakes her personality a lot. I call her 3-4 times a week just to…keep her balanced I guess, so she doesn’t feel too alone in this.”

Log 3:

“I need to die now. Right now. Why am I here? What am I even doing being here? What the f*cking use am I? OH KILL ME NOW!

You really need the right people around you. You seriously do. Or else you’re screwed. No matter how many times I tell myself I am not needy, I am just needy as fuck so much, I can’t even handle myself. I WISH I WAS AN EMOTIONLESS monster! I wish I was JUST not as feeling as I am now. Oh my goodness. I need to hurt myself so bad.”

Log 4:

“Why do I need to be here? I don’t want to dissapoing myself and Mom. It is really too much to ask for a non-screaming mother. I don’t know. But I think I matter and I deserve someone who is more patient with me.

Right after I wrote the above para, I broke into tears.

How could we live in the 21st century and still not have enough awareness of mental health”

Log 5:

“I have started meditating again. Started it. My mother isn’t okay with me being unable to study. Music doesn’t help much anymore with studying. I hide all these downloads of meditations from Mom but when Mom came in again to pressure me to study, I just cried and showed her. All these lines of meditation tracks. I just want to get better or just die. If my illness was physical, it would be something incurable. And it would be something unmanageable. Because it’s been years, more than 8 years I am going through this. Trying to get better. And now I feel like I’ve gotten worse. I am just super emotional right now because of Mom. I don’t know. I am feeling better now, not crying as much.”



Image Taken from: Sad Girl Drawing


37 thoughts on “Sad Logs (Nov-Dec’15)

  1. LosiLosLoco says:

    I’ve been in that darkness. I have friends who have been in that darkness. It’s so hard to keep a light glowing in its overwhelming presence. Really, but you can overcome it. I know I’m late so you’re probably past it but, don’t feel alone should it return. Anxiety and depression is hard to deal with. 😦

      • LosiLosLoco says:

        I know. If it were not for people around me who were caring enough to pull me out, I might not be here. Who knows?
        But as you know, you can emerge from it so hope is not lost necessarily, it’s just hard to find.

      • Mon ☠ says:

        I can completely understand. People around you, if they are the right ones, can get you at least a little more emotional release from that burdening thought.

  2. Alok Singhal says:

    I guess it you have too many expectations from others (including your parents), you tend to feel disappointed often. Agree, that they need to be patient, but you can’t really fight them out.

    We need to be stronger from within and believe in our abilities. Hope you feel better and stop taking stress.

  3. wendy says:

    Spoken from the gut. It is brave of you to share these logs. I’m so happy you are feeling better. Keep up the good fight Warrior Princess.

  4. jacquelineobyikocha says:

    Mon, I consider you a friend even though we’ve never met in real time and I wish you well. I think it’s time you told your mother in a calm and adult manner exactly how her shouting affects you. Make her realize that it doesn’t help your situation and don’t hide your emotions. Healing comes from letting go.

  5. survivednarc says:

    I had a quite hard realtionship with my mother too, in my teens. And it really made me feel like shit. So I can relate. What made our relationship much better, was when I moved out…. But perhaps that is not a possibility for you? I know that there are many young people who can not move out, in today’s society, whether it has to do with cultural traditions.. or money, or some other issue. I do not want to sound disheartening, but for me, the only thing that got me “better”, was… moving out. Cause then we didn’t got on each other’s nerves as much.
    I do hope you feel better now! Since these logs were from a while back. Hugs.

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Right, I get that Sandy. It can be harmful because when narcs keep telling you your perception of reality is wrong, it just conditions your mind like that and you think you have bad motives all the time misunderstanding. Yeah, it’s moderately better now, it’s getting better. If I can keep learning to not take her personally

  6. DaisyWillows says:

    Oh Mon! Sorry you are going through so much stress. I think the meditation might help. Please don’t be too harsh on yourself about your exams. You state of mind is the most important thing above everything else. Sending you hugs xxx

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Heeeeeyyy! Thanks Daisy. I am learning not to be. Things are slightly better now. And that’s important for me to remember, health above exams. *hugs back*

  7. Advanced Research Technology says:

    Those are sad logs indeed. A little separation from Mom emotionally seems like it would be just the ticket. I’m sure meditation helped in developing a more positive state of awareness.

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Yeah…..but then I have anxiety about separation anxiety (LOL). Oh yes, meditation helped a lot. I just wished I knew guided meditation works better because I lose focus quite often during the meditation, but I can do it now 🙂

      • Advanced Research Technology says:

        Yes, it takes a bit of getting used to to lose ourselves in the meditation process.
        Think about independence issues though. We should be able to love and care for our parents without having to default to what they are thinking about us in everyday situations. If we cannot do this, there may be some invisible and spiritual strings attached to them that are controlling our actions. Just saying. 🙂

      • Mon ☠ says:

        Don’t I know it! I think I get what you’re saying. Like, if we’re always thinking we’re being “damaged” or whatever by a person, we might unconsciously move ourselves to the damage more because that’s what we’re thinking about a lot. Is that what you’re saying? I do need to distance myself from the negativity.

        P.S Thank you so much for nominating me for the award! 🙂

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