Warning: Really messed up post.
I couldn’t let my future child go through what I had to. It’s sick and I would know a kitten was the least I could give my kid if I acted like my parents around them, especially if my kid had an anxiety disorder. I just cried writing this. I wasn’t all, “Wah! My parents won’t let me have a kitty!” it’s more complicated, it’s like, “You know you messed me up. Now I can’t function in life. And I want a kitten, and you still think you’re entitled to my obedience? It’s like you have no sympathy” But I am obedient. I am fucked up. Mum’s here again to scold me.
Funny how a simple Valentine’s Day can trigger up so much. This morning I thought of V-day, then how alone I was, then I thought that at least I should have friends to spend V-day with. Then I thought I shouldn’t be in such a strict household that there’s no leeway to even breathe. Especially since it’s their fault I am so messed up. I wanted a kitten because I am messed up, I can’t socialize, I can’t focus on my studies, so a kitten could be good pet-therapy. I told my parents about it. Mom was all, “It’ll crap and it’ll eat up all the food in our kitchen”. I begged, “Please…!” and Mom was all, “No…..”. I told her how sick and alone I would have to be till I gotten a friggin’ kitten.
Yesterday I cried again after Mother nagged. Now Mom is nagging me for being on this device (the irony as I am writing about how I feel sad with her frustration with me). I swear if I could die every time I wanted to, I would die many deaths. But the thing is, every time I get sad, I think about all the reasons I shouldn’t be sad. Which is a dangerous thing for me to do because that makes me want to die EVEN MORE.
I tried to organize my thoughts and tried to have a ‘helicopter’ overview of my life- I made this stupid pyramid. I am majorly focusing on the bad parts of my life whilst ignoring all the little good things along the way. So bear through with me.
Age 1-5: Father is a jealous jerk who treats mother like she is his servant ‘as women should be’. Now I am 19 years old and it’s no use now because I can’ make friends anyway so him not allowing me to have friends at home is no bother. But if I wanted to have friends, I can still fight him and force-invite friends. Dad can’t do nothing about me now, I am grown up, almost his size even. But again, I do nothing now anyway, I stay at home, go to class and come back home to mope about not being able to study .
Some other things happened which I didn’t have the space to write in the pyramid, but I don’t think I am ready to write about those yet. Moving on….
Age 5-7: I started going to school but I always had the feeling I couldn’t fit in. I would always sit in a corner and whoever was late and couldn’t sit no where else would usually sit beside me, it’s mostly been this way. Except when I was in Nursery (when kids had no idea of cliques so I could play with everyone during recess), KG (ditto) and Grade One.
Age 7-12: When kids where starting to get to the rebellious teen-phase. And I still didn’t figure out that the other kids would laugh at what I said because I was dumb. I really was, but those kids actually grew up a little too fast for their age.
Age 12-17: I intuitively knew I was different from the other kids. (This will be slightly confusing, but) I also knew that they knew that I didn’t know much about anything. I actually started getting this feeling since I was 10 really, but this time-frame was when this thought really ‘solidified’.
I thought respect needed to be earned and not by being dumb. I would even search online on How-to be “cool”-ish posts and never follow the rules in any of those guides. But I felt a kind of peace from searching those articles as I felt like I was “fixing” my social image just by googling stuff like this. My need for popularity soon changed to apathy but I still had this need to fix something.
Gratefully I later on grasped on real personal-development and I started doing helpful things like trying to work through negative emotions, beliefs, etc It felt like I had some kind of “safety” in the online world as I tried going through things like these.
Later on, I would be hoarding articles on personal development in my files, but I only followed some of the advice. I started getting more practical about personal-development and only tried saving tips that I know I have interest in applying to my life.
I knew I didn’t want to be a doctor, engineer or whatever society wants me to be. I realized my passion lied somewhere else. If it hadn’t been for the self-development journey I been through those years, I probably would be studying for a job I would hate right now. But good thing I did was felt right.
Soon I realized that the weird feeling I had inside me all the time was anxiety and that everyone didn’t have it to the extent I had, even though I thought everyone was like me too. Oh and still no friends.
Age 17-19: I worked though my anxiety. I would meditate from time to time. Nowadays I meditate daily. But the anxiety is till there, although not to the extent I had when I was younger and would cry. It’s a lot less now and I started taking medicine for it around the age of 18 when we went to the psychiatrist.
Now I am still socially anxious (I am 19 now), I used to wear tinted shades for a while because I was scared of eye-contact, I can’t focus on my studies because my anxious, medicated brain won’t let me and my parents had a fight over the whole me crying over the kitten thing I meentioned above, till I went in there and told Mother to shut her friggin’ mouth and not make such a deal, especialy since I am not rebelling to have one and not forcing them to get me one. I just told for one and gave the reason that I deserve one especially for how alone I get....
This was written in the morning today but I edited this post to fix my “emotional-grammar’ (My worst grammat that comes when I am feeling emotionally unstable) and thought this was timely for the Daily Post. So there you have it. Again. Edited.