Stupid Life, a Saga.

Warning: Really messed up post.

I couldn’t let my future child go through what I had to. It’s sick and I would know a kitten was the least I could give my kid if I acted like my parents around them, especially if my kid had an anxiety disorder. I just cried writing this. I wasn’t all, “Wah! My parents won’t let me have a kitty!” it’s more complicated, it’s like, “You know you messed me up. Now I can’t function in life. And I want a kitten, and you still think you’re entitled to my obedience? It’s like you have no sympathy” But I am obedient. I am fucked up. Mum’s here again to scold me.

Funny how a simple Valentine’s Day can trigger up so much. This morning I thought of V-day, then how alone I was, then I thought that at least I should have friends to spend V-day with. Then I thought I shouldn’t be in such a strict household that there’s no leeway to even breathe. Especially since it’s their fault I am so messed up. I wanted a kitten because I am messed up, I can’t socialize, I can’t focus on my studies, so a kitten could be good pet-therapy. I told my parents about it.  Mom was all, “It’ll crap and it’ll eat up all the food in our kitchen”. I begged, “Please…!” and Mom was all, “No…..”. I told her how sick and alone I would have  to be till I gotten a friggin’ kitten.

Yesterday I cried again after Mother nagged. Now Mom is nagging me for being on this device (the irony as I am writing about how I feel sad with her frustration with me). I swear if I could die every time I wanted to, I would die many deaths. But the thing is, every time I get sad, I think about all the reasons I shouldn’t be sad. Which is a dangerous thing for me to do because that makes me want to die EVEN MORE.

I tried to organize my thoughts and tried to have a ‘helicopter’ overview of my life- I made this stupid pyramid. I am majorly focusing on  the bad parts of my life whilst ignoring all the little good things along the way. So bear through with me.

Life Pyramid.png

Age 1-5: Father is a jealous jerk who treats mother like she is his servant ‘as women should be’. Now I am 19 years old and it’s no use now because I can’ make friends anyway so him not allowing me to have friends at home is no bother. But if I wanted to have friends, I can still fight him and force-invite friends. Dad can’t do nothing about me now, I am grown up, almost his size even. But again, I do nothing now anyway, I stay at home, go to class and come back home to mope about not being able to study .

Some other things happened which I didn’t have the space to write in the pyramid, but I don’t think I am ready to write about those yet. Moving on….

Age 5-7: I started going to school but I always had the feeling I couldn’t fit in. I would always sit in a corner and whoever was late and couldn’t sit no where else would usually sit beside me, it’s mostly been this way. Except when I was in Nursery (when kids had no idea of cliques so I could play with everyone during recess), KG (ditto) and Grade One.

Age 7-12: When kids where starting to get to the rebellious teen-phase. And I still didn’t figure out that the other kids would laugh at what I said because I was dumb. I really was, but those kids actually grew up a little too fast for their age.

Age 12-17: I intuitively knew I was  different from the other kids. (This will be slightly confusing, but) I also knew that they knew that I didn’t know much about anything. I actually started getting this feeling since I was 10 really, but this time-frame was when this thought really ‘solidified’.

I thought respect needed to be earned and not by being dumb. I would even search online on How-to be “cool”-ish posts and never follow the rules in any of those guides. But I felt a kind of peace from searching those articles as I felt like I was “fixing” my social image just by googling stuff like this. My need for popularity soon changed to apathy but I still had this need to fix something.

Gratefully I later on grasped on real personal-development and I started doing helpful things like trying to work through negative emotions, beliefs, etc It felt like I had some kind of “safety” in the online world as I tried going through things like these.

Later on, I would be  hoarding articles on personal development in my files, but I only followed some of the advice. I started getting more practical about personal-development and only tried saving tips that I know I have interest in applying to my life.

I knew I didn’t want to be a doctor, engineer or whatever society wants me to be. I realized my passion lied somewhere else. If it hadn’t been for the self-development journey I been through those years, I probably would be studying for a job I would hate right now. But good thing I did was felt  right.

Soon I realized that the weird feeling I had inside me all the time was anxiety and that everyone didn’t have it to the extent I had, even though I thought everyone was like me too. Oh and still no friends.

Age 17-19: I worked though my anxiety. I would meditate from time to time. Nowadays I meditate daily. But the anxiety is till there, although not to the extent I had when I was younger and would cry. It’s a lot less now and I started taking medicine for it around the age of 18 when we went to the psychiatrist.

Now I am still socially anxious (I am 19 now), I used to wear tinted shades for a while because I was scared of eye-contact, I can’t focus on my studies because my anxious, medicated brain won’t let me and my parents had a fight over the whole me crying over the kitten thing I meentioned above, till I went in there and told Mother to shut her friggin’ mouth and not make such a deal, especialy since I am not rebelling to have one and not forcing them to get me one. I just told for one and gave the reason that I deserve one especially for how alone I get....

This was written in the morning today but I edited this post to fix my “emotional-grammar’ (My worst grammat that comes when I am feeling emotionally unstable) and thought this was timely for the Daily Post. So there you have it. Again. Edited.

 

 

82 thoughts on “Stupid Life, a Saga.

  1. willytyme says:

    Mon!! If you died, I’d kill you!! A little play on words lovely. Sad, but yet splendid for the distance you have come. I too was the last to get picked in kickball and also questioned who my friends were, I still do that to this day. I have like 2 friends offline, but 200 online, that’s why I too escape here. I sometimes used my dumbness as a tool a school. When people didn’t expect much, I could whoo them down the line and they would never know what hit them. Funny how our lives seem so similiar. But like I said before lovely, you are on the top of my list and I’d still pick you every day of the week and twice on Sundays. ;o) You are something special in my eyes and I have 20/20 vision. They say a butterfly can never know how beautiful it is because it can’t see it’s own wings. I can only imagine your beauty, but I’m sure it’s breathtaking as is your post. You are such a strong person Mon and you gotta love that. Dumb can only be a past tense word to a smarty such as yourself. I missed you, I’ll try to behave so I don’t lose you again. ;o)

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Oh man. There’s someone who’d kill me for dying!? Awesome! Kill me for killing, and the only thing left is suing my for that 😀

      I know! People don’t have to know what you’re like when they think you have no mind of your own. They will leave along with their nasty judgments. It’s amazing to surprise people though too. Which I think I’ve done a lot…..with my mother included xD

      Oh man, Willy. I just have no idea how to think you for your sweetness. EEEEEEEPPP!!!!!! LOL, if only I met you!!!! Seriously! 🙂 Thank you so much, Love! ❤

  2. LosiLosLoco says:

    Ruff Mon. Y’know Pinecone, this kinda thing sucks but, in retrospect, you’ve come a long way. You still have a ways to go (like everyone does) but you’ve done a great job thus far. You’ve met some wonderful people. You’ve found a way to deal with your anxiety on some level and I believe that once things line up just right (or you make them line up), you can move on. You’ll be out of the toxic environment.
    Who knows? Maybe your anxiety will lessen before then! I’m hopeful for you Pinecone 🙂 Come talk to me if you ever need to! 😉

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Yeah. I know. It’s great when someone realizes my progress 🙂 Sometimes it gets a little lonely just knowing my progress on my own. Thank you 🙂 I am listening to a couple videos on mental health and I found some gold. If it works for me, I’ll share the video on my blog 🙂 Thank you!

  3. Bunk Strutts says:

    19 is an awkward age, but it’s also a transitional one. Several people I know were raised in dysfunctional and non-supportive families, but once they struck out on their own and the emotional burden was lifted, they became over-achievers. All that energy wasted on self-destructive introspection was redirected.

    You may feel as if you’re in a cage, but I’d guess that you already know how to jimmy the latch. Once you make the decision to leave, you’ll breath a sigh of relief, and you’ll finally be in control of your own life. Go for it.

  4. Fatmawaty says:

    I’m sorry to hear your life stories. Be strong my dear friend. (I hope you don’t mind if I called you friend). Here, in wordpress, you have many friends. They’re real people.
    Take care!

  5. Advanced Research Technology says:

    I grew up in an extremely controlling, religious, and dysfunctional home. I can totally relate to what you are feeling. It makes one want to curl up and disassociate. No one wants to admit their family is weird. The emotional stress makes one want to hide inside.
    The drugs try to blunt the emotional stress of unacceptance, but often make it worse. The emotional damage is what needs fixed and that can only be done by getting to the root of what is so upsetting. This is often buried very deep in the psyche.
    The kitten is emotional stability, the need to be accepted just as you are without the overlying expectations and the shame that comes with not living up to expected standards.
    Remember none of this is real life. This is only role play and suppression.
    Don’t let yourself fall under the pressure. Spread your wings in anyway that is positively possible. This may take you out of your comfort zone, but it will be worth it. You must begin to fly.
    Blessings!
    Btw, I accept you exactly how you are. How long have you been waiting to hear these words?

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Oh, yeah. I can relate too. I wish my parents were a little less strict with religion. I got OCD over my religion for a long time, and it still hasn’t gone. I do believe in my religion, although I wished they let me be free too. Thanks for the kind words, I really have never heard those words from anyone “A ceept you exactly as you are”. Rare words to come by

      • Advanced Research Technology says:

        Though our parents may mean well, I find this strictness to religion missing the point. It comes from approaching religion in a controlling and ritualistic manner rather than an unfolding of divine truth. The more one chooses the latter, the more it is found that effects of the implanted OCD melt away.

  6. Nitin Chandran Nair says:

    By the time I read the section for age 12, only one thing popped up in mind. And that’s you writing and publishing a book. It’s really sad to see your parents behaving this way, all controlling and stuff. Don’t worry, everything would be fine. This is the right time to rise up. So much further to go and so much more to do. Get over your anxiety and focus on things you love to do. Make it a habit and try to answer one question daily – ‘What did I do today that made me happy?’

  7. Lorraine Beran says:

    Life is complicated for many….your path has shown your ability to deal with things that are difficult and still grow from them. I am a retired teacher, and I will tell you one of my biggest observations: Success comes to those who struggle, both academically and emotionally. Suffering builds a strength that the accomplished do not have.

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Yeah, it does show that I am still breathing, not like anything much physical happened, all that happened was within myself mostly. I hope I find that strength that’s supposed to be mine from all these, I just wish I had more control over my anxiety-riden brain. But I am aslowly getting a hold of it. Thanks you Lorraine for the love 🙂

  8. EdenNoMore says:

    I really just want to scream at your parents for you. I can’t do cats, but when I did, my cat was a life saver. Now I don’t know what I would do without Darcy. It’s amazing what animals can do for feeling alone and isolated. They help so much for anxiety too.

  9. breathingcausescancer says:

    I have a personal belief that everyone has a breaking point. It is not the same for everyone. Sometimes it can be reached very quickly and other times is can take a long time. The journey to reach this breaking point can go through some very dark places.

    When you do reach that breaking point, that is when you find strength you did not know you had. You scream “ENOUGH!!” either out loud or within your head (I did the latter). Reaching this point, you realize you know have what you need – strength, power, courage, motivation, a goal – to make changes to turn things around for the better.

    And life will get better. There will be roadblocks, yes, but you will now find these roadblocks less devastating on your psyche.

    A long time ago, a friend told me “you cannot change others, only yourself.” It is a saying that I take to heart, and I have been better for it.

    You will reach your breaking point, Mon, it will happen. As I said above, it might be soon, it might not. When it does, you will realize how amazing you are and how amazing life will be.

    You are already strong and courageous – you share with us your journey. Keep being strong, Mon.

    • Mon ☠ says:

      When I reached the (bad kind of) breaking point, I got up in the middle of the night to call dad on his b/s (I might mention this on the blog later). It really did take a long time and I wish I called up on it immediately when it happened. I wish I knew then what I know now and get help earlier. It’s true. The roadblocks carry less weight now, Thank you so much, I do hope I can clean out the “low confidence”-b/s in my head, but negative thoughts are like an addiction. It will take time. Thanks so much, Love ❤

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Yeah but usually if I go with one of them. I don’t even want to go out myself nowadays because now I don’t live in a very secured area and I’ve been talked three times already here. I have to wait to go to a country which is a little more developed.

  10. Xeno says:

    It’s hard to truly be yourself in a place that’s not really ‘your own.’ at least you’ve got your blog and online devotees 💟

    with perseverance, i believe that your dreams will be a close mirror to your reality. 😊

    you are loved and cared for! it would be sad to not see you on the internetz, y’know.

    🇽🇩

  11. karlaland says:

    If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here (that sounded creepy but wth)… and I can relate too because I had a shitty childhood too because of my dad and so I grew up hating the world and being so bitter, but I got over it after 19 years. Now that I got that out of the way I just want to say that it will get better. Continue doing what you love…

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Oh no, that sounded incredibly sweet, Karla! 🙂 Thank you fr the love and hope. Since last night things are getting slightly better between me and Mom, I wonder how long it will last though. But I am trying to be hopeful. Love.

      • karlaland says:

        I’m glad to hear that! Don’t stop being hopeful. Even up to now I still go through the same shit with my dad once in a while. But you, me, and others like us are still young and we still have our whole lives in our hands…the future’s still bright. 🙂

  12. dis-connect says:

    I’m sorry 😦 I can’t really think of anything to say that’ll help, so just know that we’re all here for you. We’re all your friends here on WordPress.

  13. noorainsobiya says:

    I know it’s hard love!! You’re s braveheart to brace all of this. Things are just temporary, nothing’s gonna stay the same.. A little patience & you’ll manage to get away from the depressing atmosphere.

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Aww, thank you so much. No, I am not even past my A’Levels yet. I will be going to university in two years I guess. Oh boo, I wish I wasn’t like this. I could’ve gone to University by now. But Life, I guess. I have to wait

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