Audio (with transcript): Yesterday’s Mental State

I noticed I make a lot of mistakes both….grammar-wise and….logic-wise (huh?). But bear with me :@ I also stutter a lot.

It’s been a couple of days since my new year’s resolution. Not couple of days but 18 days I guess, or something. I don’t count the dates. But anyway….since last December…. November-December I’ve been kind of “not-right”- not feeling right. Not all the time but sometimes.

And it’s, I couldn’t……these couple of days, not days, more like months, that I haven’t studied. The sight of my books scare me. My exams are coming closer, it’s like my exams chasing me. And I am just here….recording on a f*cking phone. Yeah….

So far the.urmm..ahh…..let’s justΒ  say that I….okay it actually happened. Today I went to my tutor and I couldn’t study and I just started crying in front of him and…just begging to be released from class. I did this twice already.I find it so hard to focus.

And it’s so pressurizing and I just want to get out of this house, out of my parent’s house and get a job of my own and..I don’t know.get someone…find someone who’ll like me……enough to marry me. Stuff like that. My dad’s been worried, my parents are kind of thinking about who I’ll marry already. That’s just kind of funny since I haven’t gotten a job yet. They know I won’t marry a man unless I get my own job job. I am not going to be a house wife, not like there’s anything wrong with that.I just don’t see myself being a housewife in my ideal vision.

I’ve been really, really trying to relax. Yesterday I just tried to meditate and feel the unresolved feelings inside of me. I am just sighing so much in this video….audio, that it’s annoying me even (more sigh).

Today after my little episode, I started researching videos on depression and Ted-talks. And downloaded them as audios and increased the speed of the audios because I can’t bear slow-talkers like myself.

So anyway. I am….path-e-tic. I feel so worthless. Like such a piece of shit. And it’s just getting really scarier….it’s getting scarier everyday and it’s like I have to pass, I have to get a job, etc. I know mental health is more important than grades, but…how long will I be hibernating from studies like this?

So anyway, today I am not doing a really good job at trying to be relaxed. But I am going to try to accept that because that’ also part of trying to be relaxed. Accepting my non-relaxed state. Yeah, okay. This is so….(ughh). Alright, that’s all.


15 thoughts on “Audio (with transcript): Yesterday’s Mental State

  1. Deb says:

    Hope you are in a better place today. I have days almost like this too. The best solution is to work on the core of the problem…atleast that’s what I’m trying to do. Good luck

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Thanks Deb! πŸ™‚ Oh, if there was a core to find, I would’ve sliced it out long ago. But I just have to feel my way through it, the way out is the way through now

  2. LosiLosLoco says:

    Oh Mon. Pinecone, I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. It’s hard you for from what I can tell. Well, I’m no expert but remember, when you begin to feel down, you have a friend in me. I just wanna give you a hug through the web. No in person.
    I’m empathizing with you so much right now that it hurts. Things will get better Mon. You will find that job. You will find that guy you likes you and wants you. You will be happy. Just believe you will and don’t doubt it. πŸ™‚ Smile as much as you can πŸ™‚ Take care of yourself. ❀

  3. 2ndhalfolife says:

    So dear, I was a paramedic as you may have read in my blog for 15 years. I listen to your audio blogs, and honestly, I’m worried about you. I believe you said you’re seeing a therapist, right? Do you feel you are getting the help you need? Depression is something that needs the right kind of treatment or it can cause a whole host of issues. Finding a husband, moving out of your parent’s house etc. is not going to ‘fix’ whatever you are feeling deep down inside of you. It seems to me (and I don’t know you) that something else may be the root cause of what is hurting. Please try to see someone that can guide you. Until then, hang in and try to stay strong. People care! ❀

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Yeah. I do think I am getting the kind of help I need. And I say some rediculous things when I am sad. I don’t even know how to live by myself, and yet, find a job and a good husband at the same time. Yes, I know these thoughts are really symptoms. I just need to try to cope with Mom’s criticism. She pounds on me every little chance she gets. In the most indirect manner. Thank you so much for the kind comment, hugs ❀ πŸ™‚

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