I noticed I make a lot of mistakes both….grammar-wise and….logic-wise (huh?). But bear with me :@ I also stutter a lot.
It’s been a couple of days since my new year’s resolution. Not couple of days but 18 days I guess, or something. I don’t count the dates. But anyway….since last December…. November-December I’ve been kind of “not-right”- not feeling right. Not all the time but sometimes.
And it’s, I couldn’t……these couple of days, not days, more like months, that I haven’t studied. The sight of my books scare me. My exams are coming closer, it’s like my exams chasing me. And I am just here….recording on a f*cking phone. Yeah….
So far the.urmm..ahh…..let’s just say that I….okay it actually happened. Today I went to my tutor and I couldn’t study and I just started crying in front of him and…just begging to be released from class. I did this twice already.I find it so hard to focus.
And it’s so pressurizing and I just want to get out of this house, out of my parent’s house and get a job of my own and..I don’t know.get someone…find someone who’ll like me……enough to marry me. Stuff like that. My dad’s been worried, my parents are kind of thinking about who I’ll marry already. That’s just kind of funny since I haven’t gotten a job yet. They know I won’t marry a man unless I get my own job job. I am not going to be a house wife, not like there’s anything wrong with that.I just don’t see myself being a housewife in my ideal vision.
I’ve been really, really trying to relax. Yesterday I just tried to meditate and feel the unresolved feelings inside of me. I am just sighing so much in this video….audio, that it’s annoying me even (more sigh).
Today after my little episode, I started researching videos on depression and Ted-talks. And downloaded them as audios and increased the speed of the audios because I can’t bear slow-talkers like myself.
So anyway. I am….path-e-tic. I feel so worthless. Like such a piece of shit. And it’s just getting really scarier….it’s getting scarier everyday and it’s like I have to pass, I have to get a job, etc. I know mental health is more important than grades, but…how long will I be hibernating from studies like this?
So anyway, today I am not doing a really good job at trying to be relaxed. But I am going to try to accept that because that’ also part of trying to be relaxed. Accepting my non-relaxed state. Yeah, okay. This is so….(ughh). Alright, that’s all.