Audio: Anxiously Depressed

I think I recorded this the day before yesterday.

I thought recording my thoughts in the audio would make me feel better, but it didn’t do much difference. It felt like a waste of energy afterwards. But this helps tto understand how low my levels can get.

I can’t believe how…different I sounded in the audio.

Moments like this happen andย  feels like I am sent into an alternate dimension filled with both “jumpy” anxiety and sluggishness. I felt quite heavy. And in the audio, by “end it” I meant the illness, not my life. I think at the end I said, “It sounds so cliched to say I wished I were okay, but I just really, really do” or something like that.

When you want to put your head in the sink after constantly washing your eyes because they got intensely heated from crying so much. Then the fact that your hands are resting on the sink because you’ve gone too tired to hold your arms up makes you anxious because the sink wasn’t cleaned for a while.Depression and anxiety, one where you don’t care and in the other you care way too much, is a cruel combination to have in a moment like then. And yeah, a moment like that did happen. I started cleaning my hand immediately and obsessively while another side of me wanted to fall on the floor without giving a f*ck about the dirt on my sink and hand.One side of you wants to lie in bed, all tired, mentally and physically. Another side wants to jump around for “immediate survival”.

5

Two different feelings in conflict with each other. And you want to fulfill the needs of both. But to focus on one emotion, another side of you gets hurt. Like what happened to me by the sink. Where I just wanted to rest my head down there but another side of me went, “CLEAN. Up. Your. HAND. Or. You’ll. DIE!” There’s no win-win when you try to get either of the needs met because the side in conflict screams at you (anxiety) and with the other side with too much mental-lethargy to make physically moving almost impossible (depression).

Image from Collective Evolution

 

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46 thoughts on “Audio: Anxiously Depressed

  1. LosiLosLoco says:

    It indeed is hard. I don’t have these issues but I know plenty of people who do and it’s true what you said. The comic sums it up real nice. I’m sorry you were feeling so depressed Mon. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ But I do hope you’re feeling better now! ๐Ÿ™‚ Smile for me ๐Ÿ˜‰ Love and hugs!

  2. 2ndhalfolife says:

    Oh, this made me so sad, I wanted to reach through the computer and give you a big hug!!! โค
    I hope you are feeling better now. Remember, you are really a brave young woman!

  3. bdoza says:

    Bravo Mon ! It seems that you have already overcome your anxiety and depression, if there were any ! Your piece of writing indicates that ! You so nicely described your past emotions !

    • Mon โ˜  says:

      Hi Doza. I just wish it was such an easy task like a light-switch (like you said, “if there were any !”). It isn’t. It’s been with me for the past 7 years, I went to doctors for it. I am on depressants everyday that make me feel drowsy. I just wrote this to explain a dilemma of the symptom of my obsessive-disorder

      • bdoza says:

        I am sorry that I failed to understand the gravity of your condition. But have faith on yourself and come out of the situation whatever it may be.

      • Mon โ˜  says:

        Oh no. I wasn’t upset! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Haha, I knew you were a new reader which is why you didn’t know. Thanks for the support. Dhonnobad ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

  4. willytyme says:

    Anxiety and Depression makes a baby called Self Esteem, whether it’s low or high, both seems to attack at the same time. Perhaps depression usually attacks because people are so pumped up on anxiety that they tire out, thus making them to weak to fight depression. Smiling is stronger than both of them lovely. So smile, you are beautiful either way but smiling is more beautiful. ;o)

  5. Xeno says:

    you sound tired. i get that feeling sometimes. hearing your voice though helps a lot of people tho, makes others know that they’re not alone.

    btw, there’s a bangladeshi place near where i work. any favorite dishes?

    … chickpeas

  6. Kim Magennis says:

    Mon, it was very special hearing your voice. My anxiety sits in my bones, and makes me achy and grumpy. I complain and criticise, and try to control everyone and everything. I guess it affects us all differently. Know: you are never alone. There is someone out there who gets you!

    • Mon โ˜  says:

      Thank you, Kim! I get that! My anxiety sits over my head (LOL). It’s like a cruel dictator. This morning I woke up and started feeling anxious again and wondered if this was EVEN happening. It feels “new” everday, like fresh wounds. Thank you for the support, Kim. It’s good to know people who get it when you live in a country where such things are hardly paid attention to.

  7. Sheryl says:

    Totally relatable, depression and anxiety go hand in hand in marriage they are a team ๐Ÿ˜ฆ and when they go on “vacation” we thought it ll be fine but they will catch us offguard

    • Mon โ˜  says:

      Yep. They snuggle together, they make love to each other. They are constanly all over each other, even in the littlest ways. Even when they go on “vacation” we can just feell them lurking inside to jump at us, like you’ve said, “catch us offguard”. Oh Goodness. Thank you, Sheryl โค

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