I think I recorded this the day before yesterday.
I thought recording my thoughts in the audio would make me feel better, but it didn’t do much difference. It felt like a waste of energy afterwards. But this helps tto understand how low my levels can get.
I can’t believe how…different I sounded in the audio.
Moments like this happen and feels like I am sent into an alternate dimension filled with both “jumpy” anxiety and sluggishness. I felt quite heavy. And in the audio, by “end it” I meant the illness, not my life. I think at the end I said, “It sounds so cliched to say I wished I were okay, but I just really, really do” or something like that.
When you want to put your head in the sink after constantly washing your eyes because they got intensely heated from crying so much. Then the fact that your hands are resting on the sink because you’ve gone too tired to hold your arms up makes you anxious because the sink wasn’t cleaned for a while.Depression and anxiety, one where you don’t care and in the other you care way too much, is a cruel combination to have in a moment like then. And yeah, a moment like that did happen. I started cleaning my hand immediately and obsessively while another side of me wanted to fall on the floor without giving a f*ck about the dirt on my sink and hand.One side of you wants to lie in bed, all tired, mentally and physically. Another side wants to jump around for “immediate survival”.
Two different feelings in conflict with each other. And you want to fulfill the needs of both. But to focus on one emotion, another side of you gets hurt. Like what happened to me by the sink. Where I just wanted to rest my head down there but another side of me went, “CLEAN. Up. Your. HAND. Or. You’ll. DIE!” There’s no win-win when you try to get either of the needs met because the side in conflict screams at you (anxiety) and with the other side with too much mental-lethargy to make physically moving almost impossible (depression).
Image from Collective Evolution