These past years I dreamed of myself married to a shorter man. I was also the one superior in looks between us too (chuckles). And he was the house-husband and me, the rich, working wife.
I also spoiled him- buying expensive sh*t
, motor-bikes and all his favorite stuff (‘Cos I am sweet and rich….*coughs* in my imagination) Taking turns cooking yummy things for him at times (only at times, I was the only one who worked outside the house xD). It’s good to have such things.when you have such insecurities. I am also the funny one; I am laughing as I write this. .
My inferiority complex makes me think of me to be less interesting. And being less interesting might cause him to abandon me. So all that “I am better and the woman of the house” sh*t” just to make him feel like I have something to give him. Why am I mentioning all this? Just to paint you a picture of how fragile my ego is. How I felt the need to be “the one providing-and -the-funnier one” in the relationship so I didn’t feel inferior and soon left “abandoned”. Now to begin with my other point.
I actually want someone who cares for themselves, goes out for what he wants but also cares for me a lot too. But a man who is driven about his aspirations but also replies to my texts promptly like his life depended on it? Because I get extremely worried if someone delays their calls, text etc. I mean, I did say I always felt inferior, right? I always think I do something wrong, made a mistake. I find millions of excuses. Of course it would get even scarier when it’s the husband. Oh NO! Okay, moving on….. 😥
Finding a man who is simultaneously goal-driven but makes me their “number one” puts me in a conundrum (I think?). I can’t be vulnerable for someone who makes my legs hurt running after them, I am too egotistical and self-centered for that. I will make conclusions that I am pathetic, uninteresting and that he doesn’t care. I will slowly distance myself from him. I will cry about it, obviously (LOL). Maybe it will take me years to get over him.
Basically, I came down with a disease. It’s called “too-much-attachment” or “neediness”. But then there’s another dilemma with neediness- I think it’s pathetic, only if it’s coming from me. I LOVE it when someone wants to be with me so much. But when I am the one being needy as it looks pathetic and disgusting- like I have no life of my own.
I try (yeah, try to) walk around with the look of Uma Thurman from Kill Bill (though though my face looks a little too baby-ish to pull that off, but now you know why I choose Uma to fake it) and act like I can handle things on my own. That way, others wouldn’t think I was a needy burden. I almost never show it…….except in texts though. I don’t know why text-messages or chatrooms makes me feel so trapped when I feel like I said something wrong to the other person and now they think I am cruel or pathetic or whatever. Words on the internet are sorta permanent so….that’s probably what freaks me out.
And the whole “I am funnier than him” part because….I thought just having better looks and money might not be enough to make him feel like I am some useless trash. I needed to be able to entertain him by my conversations. This is actually the only reason I worked on developing my weird sense of humor. I used to work on it a lot. I would think on it about what sounds funny or not, etc. Now it’s sorta, little bid comes naturally to me.
Basically I am a needy person; you’ll be amazed at my thoroughness with feeling dumped repetitively, if you were to live inside my head, that is. On the outside, you wouldn’t know a thing. I act like I am secured. But the truth is if I feel like I can’t interest any person I get close to, they’ll hate me, think I a piece of trash and just leave me. And thus, in my imagination, I was married to a shorter man. Because in my country, it’s…..difficult for men to get women higher than their own sizes unless they’re filthy rich. At least, that’s the case I noticed. I was the one providing for Mr. Shorty (lol) in my imagination because……….why wouldn’t he free-load when he has the chance to? (lol) He doesn’t even do any chores in my fantasies, I have maids there. This way I imagined he would be more willing to stay
I hide my neediness from people I like- I feel like I look weak and self-depreciating myself. So I act like I have my life put together. At least I try to. But someone can always assume I am sick because I am a little slow to get things in class. A little slow.
Image by Paul Militaru