“Go! Go Mon! Write this stuff down to forget next year!”
The only accomplishment that I can think of are mental-accomplishments.
Although I am loads more depressed now than I was at the beginning of the year. But then again, the anxiety reduced by 20%.
This happens every year- I think the anxiety reduced by 40%, 50% and so on from the all relief from the mental work I do to help with my anxiety disorder, But then I learn I have a lot more way to go. But I am a lot, lot better. I get a lot less anxious if I step on the wrong pattern of tiles and I feel a lot less anxious in general. But it’s still there…and I am still going.
I am glad I am depressed (No, no! Don’t go away! I am not saying depression is awesome, because if you have it, you certainly know it’s not, just hear me out) because now I have all these rotten, blocked emotions in my chest slightly being released…but making me depressed. But it’s releasing and that’s better than holding onto pain the way I have when I was 12. At that age, I thought all this pain was just some “wall of strength” because it literally felt like a wall. And it was. And I was bordering the emotions on the other side….when in fact I actually need to sit through with them to be balanced.
I will always be grateful to the blogger at Emotional Times from way back in the beginning of my emotional-health journey.,,,which I started from the age of 14 I think…now I am 19. It’s been a long journey of deep-breathing, uncovering emotions and shedding a tear from the process almost every time. The depression. I could feel its heaviness in my stomach and throat; I just couldn’t find the way to feel them. And now I am feeling. Oh-whooptidoody. *Shrugs*
Oh boy. Okay……
Lesson One is- anyone who can think for themselves isn’t dumb. If I were someone special, and special almost to the extent of their favorite celebrity (or anyone they admire or look up to), to someone, they would be a lot more understanding and respecting of me….and in ways I never would’ve known! They wouldn’t treat me like crap in the slightest and act like they didn’t know the right way to behave.
I just KNOW I will forget this lesson. I just know it. But it’s still important to put it in writing.
Lesson Two– he who does anything, and ANYTHING, once….can do it twice. Believe people the first time they show their darkness for it is rarely seen and almost always concealed. Also this lesson is….pretty forgettable to me, no matter how much I stress this. But again, putting it in writing will have it (slightly more) ingrained in my brain.
Oh man, I already want to forget these hard-learned lessons…..
Lesson Three: Learn lessons from others people before having to learn them yourself….like the above two lessons. You won’t live long to learn all the sh*t you should’ve known from experience. Learn from those who are failures and successes.
Lesson Four: Never, ever, ever feel ashamed for having a lack of control over your mind. If you could change yourself like a light-switch, you wouldn’t want to die like you have in extreme times. Depression and anxiety disorders are real. Real. Real. Mother-f*cking Real. People around you may not get it. Your mother may not get it. But you, above anyone else, should get it for yourself. It’s hard but validate your feelings….you wouldn’t ever wish this on your own child to be mentally ill and be ashamed- You know you wouldn’t on any child. Ever.
Lesson Five: It’s okay to be you (This lesson is still in progress, LOL). It’s okay to be mentally ill, introverted, emotional and abstract-thinking. All those traits make you so weird to be around because you get scared so often and get bored from ordinary conversations. But there are people with all those qualities out there. Just because you don’t see them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
Give yourself a break. Stop this pressure to be “fun” and “alright” around others. You are fun, alright and smart…. but only for your own tribe of like-minds. And yes, again…they exist….but are hard to find…look harder and go explore the outside world a little. If you exist, why the hell they wouldn’t?
I just know I will have these same issues next year, haha. But it’s better to put it in writing. Wow, dejavu.
Image by Paul Militaru