Feels like she’s still alive

Last night my mind tried to disturb me again. Trying to make me remember that Grandma was ACTUALLY dead. I told myself to shut up and went to sleep. I woke up and wondered what had happened. I still don’t believe my grandmother is dead. It does not feel like it.  Why do I do this?

Grandmother is dead. She is dead. Over a week has passed. It does not feel real. My Grandmother, whom I’ve called Nanu. My dear, sweet Nanu. No one will ever love me like you did.

Most of the time these days I feel very normal. I go on, listen to Music, watch youtube videos, etc But when the feelings come back, like right now, it feels real all over. I feel like I am still denying what happened, which is true. Every time I think, “She is dead,” I tell myself to please just shut up.

My chest feels like it is closing in and then opening up again and again. Whenever I think of her. My stomach feels weird. It’s been 8 days already but it feels like it happened two days ago. Grandma is really dead. I won’t be speaking to her on this lifetime. Ever. Oh Goodness. My cousin’s birthday past yesterday and Grandma wasn’t here to fake her liking of my cousin’s baking of cake. Grandma hates cake but on cousin’s birthday every year, she sacrifices her disgust on cakes and eats Cousin’s cake and under her breath tries to say convincingly, “Oh, oh, delicious!”

It doesn’t feel real. Nanu is dead? How? It half feels like she had died, but it also feels too unreal to be true. Two days after Nanu died…. Mom suddenly bawled like a baby and I held her. Mom didn’t scold me yesterday, nor today. I hugged her and told her I was waiting for her to scold me for something, I didn’t like seeing her so depressed.

Nanu died, she had cancer. I still won’t accept it. It’s not true to my head, even though it is true. Nanu is no longer on earth to speak to us here. To love us here. Oh my God, she really isn’t here.

The day Nanu died, Mom called early morning and told me it was an emergency and that I had to give the phone to Baba. Dad talked to her and told me Nanu was very sick. What a lie. I asked if we needed to hurry, he said no. let me not rush breakfast. I ate calmly watching Modern Family….but then shut the T.V off because I thought I shouldn’t be doing this. That I should really be focused on eating fast and visiting Nanu.

Before you read the next para, I should say I don’t know what the name of the thing was in which Nanu was put in, but I will call it a ‘casket’.

So we headed off after Dad put on strong perfume (perfume to my Grandmother’s funeral, f*cking voguish dad). When we reached Grandma’s place, a casket greeted me by the door. I was shocked seeing this as my uncle walked to me very fast and hugged me as he sobbed.

When I came inside the house and found Nanu wrapped in white clothing, the kind of clothing Muslims wrap the dead relatives in. I don’t remember  how it happened, but everything got real and I sobbed and bawled. I turned away from grandma and off to the living room when Aunt got me a chair and a glass of water to calm me down.

I sat down on the floor beside Grandma and just wept though the whole morning. I bawled every time another surprised relative came to find grandma like this and started weeping, their surprise made the situation more concrete to me in my head.

I put my hand over her own over the clothing and rubbed her fingers. Trying to feel the touch of it, trying to feel the warmth of her compassion from that touch. When I touched it over the sheets, her hands felt so real, like silk and it then she was a dead person. I touched her feet for a while and then came to her hands again. I touched her face for the last time.

After all the tears, things seemed to be more fine again. It felt like she was merely sleeping under this white clothing, nothing more.

But when the ritual bathing of the body (after death) came and I saw how Grandma had to be carried outside in a private place by all the Uncles and Aunts from the bedroom, carrying her just by her bed-sheet. And then how she didn’t move once when she was bathed. How at one point during the bathing her hand was accidentally let gone and it hit the steel, oh how much it would have hurt if she was alive. But it looked more like she beared through the pain with her eyes closed, rather than a dead body’s hand hitting on steel. It looked like she was merely senseless.

Again, after it was all over and she was put in the casket where she was lying peacefully again, it seemed like nothing had happened. And that’s how it went on the next couple hours. It felt like she was just sleeping under these thick, heavy white clothes.

Until the truck came to carry her with her casket to the grave which is really far away. When the casket was pulled up and the men tried to situate it on the truck, the situation got real again. She wasn’t just sleeping, she was dead. And as the truck went away, so many of us cried. I went inside the house and sobbed and bawled alone in a room.

It still feels too unreal to even happen. It feels like Nanu is living on with her normal life.

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44 thoughts on “Feels like she’s still alive

  1. Léa says:

    Such a loss takes a piece out of us. How will you fill that space? There is no rush to decide that and much will depend on the type of person you are. Some fill it with anger, at themselves and others, some fill it with love. When my daughter died, the space nearly swallowed me whole. Over time, I have filled it with sweet memories. It is a choice we each must make when the time comes.

  2. Tony Burgess says:

    Oh my friend, my grandmother passed away in September of 2014 and I understand what you are feeling and going through. Losing a loved one like that is not easy and it sucks. For my own grandmother she had Alzheimer’s and that is one of the worst ways to go if you ask me. I know you loved yours like I loved mine. Grace and peace and healing to you as you grieve. God bless your grandmother.

  3. miusho says:

    Losing a loved one sucks.. It will take a while and the feeling of loss will probably linger for a very very long time. I wouldn’t say she’s gone though because as long as you remember her she will be with you. -hugs-

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Thanks so much, Lovely. Yeah, the feeling does linger still. Yeah, it doesn’t actually feel she’s gone because she feels a lot closer to me now than before. It feels like she is very close, so I don’t try to let the images of that day bother me so much when it doesn’t feel like it. Thank you! ❤

  4. Elm says:

    My god, I’m so sorry. I have no idea what to say. I’m so sorry and oh god, just stay strong. You are beautiful and amazing and you CAN stay strong.

  5. willytyme says:

    P.S Though I love your post and I love the courage you showed to share this, I can not bring myself to push the like button on such tragic news. But I love you and your bravery to share it. Stay beautiful and please don’t find my weakness to be offensive.

  6. willytyme says:

    Oh Mon……I am so sorry for your loss and I know the feeling, the death of my mother to cancer still feels unreal to me also. The reason it feels that way is because she is still, and forever will be, in your heart. The pain of the situation will be sporadic, one day it’ll hit you harder than others. One day you’ll smile at memories and you day tears will manage to escape your eyes. But just know, it does get easier but I can not put a time frame on it. But just know, as long as you keep her in your heart, your memories, your prayers and in your thoughts…she will always and forever live on. The people we cherish the most will never die and that’s why it feels unreal. You do have a special Angel looking out for you in Heaven now. Again lovely, I’m sorry and I’ll pray for you, your family and her. Don’t be ashamed to cry, letting out the pain just shows your love for her. I too still cry at times but afterwards I feel a lot better than I did before and you will too. I send you a hug that I won’t release for a while. We love you Mon and stay strong lovely.
    Love Willytyme.

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Oh my God, WIlly. Thank you so much. I am so sorry about your mother. I don’t know what to say. You have a lot of strength and bravery to go through while holding onto your mother. It is true, even today it does not feel like she is dead, perhaps it is what you said, loved ones don’t die in our hearts *hugs* Willy, if I were there with you I would give you a big, giant hug for all the loving support you are giving me here. I will pray for you and your family too. Willy, that is so sweet. Thank you 🙂 Take such good care of yourself!

  7. A.B Mood says:

    I’m so so so incredibly sorry for your loss 😥 Inna-Lillahi-Wa’inna-Elaihe-Rajioon.. I know that saying “She’s in a better place now” doesn’t change the grief, but just know that she’s happy up in Heaven. I wish I could actually hug you. I know it’s hard, I’ve had to go through the loss of all four of my grandparents so I understand what you’re feeling. It’ll get easy, dear.

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Thank you so much for the dua, Sister. Yes, she is indeed in a better place, I believe 🙂 I got your hugs from your words. She is the only person I cried for who is from our relatives. I am so sorry you had to go through this four times 😦 Innalillawainnaelaiherajiun. Good luck, Sweety and thanks for sending the love

      • A.B Mood says:

        Mention not dear ❤ And yeah it was tough, especially in the case of my grandparents from Mums side coz they practically raised me.. I remember being emotionally shattered at that time when they left but it's okay, I know they're having a party up there ^_^ ❤

  8. sonofabeach96 says:

    Oh Mon, I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s nothing like the love a grandparent provides. Cherish her memory, you’re lucky to have had her in your life. This is hard, I know, but it will get easier as time goes by. Our thoughts are with you and your family. 😔

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Thank you. Some people in our family are cherishing her memory in great ways. One middle-class relative fed 41 beggars she found in the street in honor of Grandma and the amazing person she is 🙂 It’s wonderful, this is how her momory should be cherished. The grief reduces a little and then at times things get intense when the thought of her death appears more real than the memories. But things are getting better.

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