I wanted to write something. Yesterday I got depressed. I am not going to pressure myself into saying that I was lazy to study. I DID study when I got good medicine. I need to get back to that same doctor and request the medicine again. But my parents decided to take me to yet another new therapist.
Please don’t judge as I open my heart on some things and thoughts I had.
Yesterday afternoon, Mom told me to study. So I got up to clean the table. It took a while to do so; It was filthy. I later brought in the books and notes. I told Mom that I would take a break every time from studying. I did it before. For ever 5 minutes of studying, I give myself a 10 minute break with the Internet. I told that to Mom. This technique worked well for me before when I was struggling. It gave me more focus on the studies.
I couldn’t study for long and I took a break and Mom wasn’t happy with that. I told her I would get back to studying. She was mad I spent a lot of time on the internet- more than ten minutes. But I was slowly easing myself into it; I would get back to studying.
Mom was mad I put my study table in the middle of the room, I did so it’s under the fan and I don’t sweat. But I am not studying there most of the time since I take a longer break. Mom told me it would cause trouble for our small apartment. They couldn’t walk around with a table in the middle of the room.
I told her nothing much was being done then. And if Dad wanted to lie down somewhere, he could do so in my room. He doesn’t have to bother walking around. But my Mother has a lot of ( undiagnosed. surprisingly) OCD, sometimes I wonder if it is more than my own. Everyone has different kinds of OCD. You can search about the many kinds of OCD there are. Anyhow, as I was saying….Mom wasn’t happy with that. She wanted a free room. She also knows about my problem.
She knows I slowly easy myself into studying from time to time without having her tell me to. I am grown-up enough to know I need to study. I just can’t deal with concentrating with all this intrusive thoughts and stress. I always experience stress to some degree. It can’t be stopped, I need to learn to cope with it. I am just happier when I am feeling less OCD.
So she comes in and tells me aggressively, widening her eyes, “Mon. Studying is NOT a game!” I tell her I was on break. She tells me, “Oh, you study for 1 minute and then stay on the internet the rest of the freakin’ day, do you!? Bastard. Go clear the room!”.
And I sweared, “Fuck.” silently as I got up. I think she heard it; I didn’t mean for her to hear it. And then she was all, “Ah! You won’t study and yet you’ll talk back!?” I didn’t say anything. I went to the other room, took the table to the side. And she comes in, “I knew you’d organize the room instead of study in it”. Didn’t you tell me to organize it?
I went to my room and just sat there not knowing what to feel. And I thought I deserved a break from study-pressure, OCD-pressure and Mom pressure.
I was feeling heavy again. The inside of my stomach felt like curling up. I was feeling pathetic. To stop it, I lied on my stomach. And I cried. And then Mom came in here (again. *sighs*) and was surprised by my unusual lying position. She tried to get me to lie in the proper position. I was feeling too heavy to respond. I told her I wanted to lie like that.
She started making fun of me. Saying that I already looked fat and that lying in that position made me look like a turtle. Making fun didn’t work. Being the controlling freak she is, she got on the bed and took ahold of my dress and pulled me up. And saw tears streaming down my face, the front of the bed wet with my tears.
“You CANNOT DO this to ME!” She said. Yeah. I am crying because I wanted to torture her, how small can her mind be to even think that? She went to the room I cleared and told Dad I was “freakin’ crying” and “putting pressure” on her.
Dad came in and said what the matter was. I couldn’t talk’ I was so heavy with feeling. All I could mutter was some incohesive “Rhm”s. The T-rex barged in again and screamed in my ears. “MON GET UP YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!!!” Dad told Mom what her problem was. Why she was screaming like that. I poetically told Mom, as I regained energy, mostly from aggravation, “Your sweet screams offer much bale to my wounds…” And she was all, “It better!”
I cried and mentally said, “God take me away from this world”.Then I was like, “No, I don’t mean it”. Then I was all, “No. God take me away unless I find the right man to marry in the future.” And then I was all, “No, I don’t mean it.” again. I was still lying in that position. In the “fat turtle” position. And she came in and did the usual screaming. Then she went to take a bath.
I didn’t want to aggravate her anymore. I got up and took a pillow and lied in a “normal” way. I didn’t want to lie the normal way because I was feeling depressed and couldn’t hold down the feelings without putting body pressure on my tummy. But I need to take care of Mom’s mentality too, which sucked.
Soon dad was all, in a very “convenient” way. “Oh Mon. Let’s go out today, shall we!?”
Translating Dad: Mon. My only baby though I wouldn’t pay much attention to you if I had a boy but I do love you more than anything right now, well, not more than being my Mom’s servant when I have a family of my own, but still . Please don’t go nuts on us all over again. Let’s get you out and maybe that’ll rid of your crazies a little. Please, say yes. You need a future. You need to study. You need a job. You need to get married. You can’t live this way.
“OK” I replied.
And it was nice.We went at an area with a nice lake and sat beside it. We had coffee before night-time befell. The lights around the area looked pretty, especially it’s reflection on the lake. I kind of recovered.
After I was home every petty thing was making me angry and upset again- a distant cough from someone, the sound of the fan. Everything.Every f*cking thing. I didn’t realize how sad I was still feeling until I couldn’t sleep because of the coffee I had; the sound of the table-fan was depressing all of a sudden.
I didn’t notice this before but I don’t eat when I amam sad. I wait for a while until I get tired from hunger. I was doing that yesterday. I didn’t want to eat fast. I ate 2 hours later than my usual dinner time I think.
I felt a lot better when I woke up this morning. Now I am still feelingupset over what happened with not studying and Mom but…………..I could’ve studied if she hadn’t been obsessing over little things during my break.