You guys probably see two sides of me on the blog. And there really is two sides of me. It just depends which one I am feeling more of and when. I am going to write a post on that later.
The side that stares at the beauty of a flower and wants to pick it, but doesn’t because she thinks plants feel pain. The soft-spoken, romantic, gentle side of me that everyone sees.
And then there’s the slightly-narcissistic (from an inferiority complex), weird, opinionated, loud side of me only a few people. (Mom, Cammy and readers of this blog know xD) know about.
I usually feel a mixture of both of these traits. I think that’s what I am. Gentle and loud at the same time. But only loud (and weird) around people I trust.
I felt the need to write now. I don’t know. I feel like I haven’t “personally” written for a long time. I like writing which is more detailed than abstract, and the latter is how I usually write. I don’t know. I don’t know how many times I write, “I don’t know”. Probably a million times.
Tomorrow is my coaching again and I am a little anxious; I need to take it one step at a time. I need to explain to Sir that I did the best I could, which is true. But he wouldn’t believe me. Mom doesn’t want to explain my mental problems to the teacher out of shame, I can tell. But anyhow, things are going good-er.
It feels kind of lonely. I think I should just “pretend” (or try) to be interested in people around me. I mean, a person is better than nobody. I am learning that finding someone to be “in sync” with is hard. I like isolation, but I hate prolonged isolation. It gets lonely in my mind. Sometimes there’s a storm in there (a lot less then before) but I enjoy thinking more. From time to time I try to snap out of it and try to be mindful of the world around me. If I get too deep into thinking, anxiety-disorder gets a better chance of “poking” at me, so I try to be present.
This is a scheduled post. At this moment I am probably trying to motivate myself into studying. Or I am actually studying. BTW guys, I found another favorite word: TOOT! 😀 TootoootooooOooOooooo