I feel a little silly but sad too. I tried studying. I ended up not studying. I was turning the pages of the book and got stressed out. It was before Mom criticized me about how I would have to work as a servant for Aunt if I didn’t study. And me being a hurt, snarky daughter, “Oh, well. Could you help me over when I am working there? Like assist me?” And she was all, “Ooooohhhh, no. You ain’t gettin’ my help”. “Fine, Auntie will help me to learn to cook,” I countered. Seriously, it’s so stupid. But I was hurt. So I went to study. That’s probably what prompted me to study, fear of disappointing.

It’s extremely difficult to study. I drum my legs, hold my breath and stuff to be able to focus. But Mom wants results. Results is all she wants. A girl who makes results like Tania. Boohoo. I wonder if I would take revenge on her by being a serial killer and she will be all, “Oh dear, all I ever wanted was a Tania-ish kid and now this!?” No, I probably wouldn’t be a serial killer. I try not to hurt the insects when I walk. Serial killing sounds horrible.

Later this day I was reading this article on something like…..making your children learn to respect themselves or something. And as soon as I read the, “When they’re talking, look at them” or something advice, it just struck me. I started making weird squaking noses over hurt feelings. When I talk to Mom, a lot of times she acts like I am not even there. It hurts. But I can’t not talk. I will become an isolated nut. Plus………….She is the only one I have to talk to. And she’s my mother. She criticizes, but she cares too. It’s kind of hard.

I want to blame my snarky behavior on Mom, but I try not to. I see these Moms on T.V. How they “embarrass” their children with their love. I am like, “Are you f*cking kidding me!? You’re embarrassed!!?? I KICK YOUR ARSEEEEEEE…..!!!!!” I see parents listening to their children with interest. Are you aliens? I don’t know. I envy “embarrassed” children sometimes. I see kids getting embarassed because their mother calls them “snuggle-monster” and I am like, “NYAAAaaaaaaa!!!!!” But having Mom is better than not having Mom. I feel guilty a lot of times for writing about her here.

Anyway….I think that’s it. I am losing creativity-juice. Time to go wash the dishes at Aunt’s house meguess.

Ugh. I want to write s’more. I don’t know what to write. I want to write my feelings-sh*t and now I am hungry and it’s dinner time.

OH! I totally forgot! My Blogging 201 Course 😀 DAY 1!!

3 Blogging Goals:

  • Use different phrasal verbs!
  • Write more concisely
  • Make an idea journal for blogging 😮

Image by Paul Militaru

36 thoughts on “Rant

  1. willytyme says:

    I find it hard to study too lovely, my mind is like a child in a toy store and it just wanders off sometimes. Not wanting to study is normal, sometimes it’s not good for your brain. I don’t think parents know the more pressure they put on kids, the more resistance they’ll get. don’t feel silly about what you write, one day you’ll make a career out of it. And yeah, don’t become a cereal killer, you’d look pretty silly stabbing a box of Lucky Charms or shooting a box of Corn Flakes. Hang in there doll, parents will be parents and you can’t believe everything you see on television. ;o) Peace out yo’! I’m trying to sound cool to impress you, and to humor you. *smile*

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Haha, this puts a big smile on my face 😀 Thank you Willicious 😀 Yeah, I know! But sometimes I feel like a paralyzed kid in a toy store when studying. And I would make a pretty bad cerial-killer, feeling guilty for the cerials 😥

      (BTW, I added you on Google :o)

  2. Darkwriter11 says:

    I’m glad you’re not restraining yourself here Mon. I mean, it’s possible that it might be a bit harsh discussing your mother on the internet but more importantly, it’s your experience. That’s what I come here to read about.
    You gotta play the cards you’re dealt and I think your making some pretty good bluffs at the moment 🙂

    Glad to know you’re in class this month with me! I look forward to reading more stuff!

  3. kerrilwilliams says:

    You are not alone in your thoughts. Parents aren’t perfect. Even the one’s that embarrass their kids with love. I’ve got one like your mum and one like the embarrassing kind. Good balance I guess 😉

  4. onebridgeofhope says:

    I think it’s great that you write about your mom here. It’s a perfect place to get out how you feel. It is completely normal to have those feelings. I’m a mom and I know my daughter has those thoughts too sometimes. She knows how much I love her, but I also put the most pressure on her. A moms job can be difficult sometimes. We get to love you and build you up, but we also need to teach you. Sometimes the teaching part comes off in a negative way. I never want to criticize my daughter but sometimes it seems like that is what I’m doing. What helps our relationship is that she is always honest about her feelings. Her telling me her feelings does help. Even when it seems like i’m not really listening. Keep trying to talk to your mom. Have a wonderful day. Veronica

    • Mon ☠ says:

      Yeah I know, her negativity usually poked at my wounds. If I tell her I don’t find something funny, I don’t have a good sense of humor while she wouldn’t take the same things she’d dish out :I But whatever, yeah this time she was really doing it for me. But being honest with her can be a problem since…..I don’t know, she isn’t the listening kind and will get defensive and all, “Well, I feed you, you shoudn’t disrespect me!” And things like that. If things were that simple, it would’ve been better for both of us. I get scolded for sharing my feelings.

      • onebridgeofhope says:

        I’m sorry I know it can be hard when someone doesn’t listen to your feelings. Especially when it’s a parent. It sounds like she really wants you to listen to her. When she talks to you make sure you are really listening give her the respect she feels she needs.Show her what respect looks like. But then remember you are not her. You are trying so hard to be positive and strong. Loving yourself and taking care of yourself is most important. Keep writing and getting out those feelings. We are all here for you. You are so strong and beautiful.

      • Mon ☠ says:

        Thank you, I do listen to her. But she doesn’t return the same curtesy 😦 Yeah, I am trying to build up my self-esteem again and trying to detach what Mom thinks of me from who I really am. It’s hard after years of negative conditioning. My Mother always wanted me to be “the perfect” child. I have to accept I can’t be perfect for people.

Please write! :'(

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