I feel a little silly but sad too. I tried studying. I ended up not studying. I was turning the pages of the book and got stressed out. It was before Mom criticized me about how I would have to work as a servant for Aunt if I didn’t study. And me being a hurt, snarky daughter, “Oh, well. Could you help me over when I am working there? Like assist me?” And she was all, “Ooooohhhh, no. You ain’t gettin’ my help”. “Fine, Auntie will help me to learn to cook,” I countered. Seriously, it’s so stupid. But I was hurt. So I went to study. That’s probably what prompted me to study, fear of disappointing.
It’s extremely difficult to study. I drum my legs, hold my breath and stuff to be able to focus. But Mom wants results. Results is all she wants. A girl who makes results like Tania. Boohoo. I wonder if I would take revenge on her by being a serial killer and she will be all, “Oh dear, all I ever wanted was a Tania-ish kid and now this!?” No, I probably wouldn’t be a serial killer. I try not to hurt the insects when I walk. Serial killing sounds horrible.
Later this day I was reading this article on something like…..making your children learn to respect themselves or something. And as soon as I read the, “When they’re talking, look at them” or something advice, it just struck me. I started making weird squaking noses over hurt feelings. When I talk to Mom, a lot of times she acts like I am not even there. It hurts. But I can’t not talk. I will become an isolated nut. Plus………….She is the only one I have to talk to. And she’s my mother. She criticizes, but she cares too. It’s kind of hard.
I want to blame my snarky behavior on Mom, but I try not to. I see these Moms on T.V. How they “embarrass” their children with their love. I am like, “Are you f*cking kidding me!? You’re embarrassed!!?? I KICK YOUR ARSEEEEEEE…..!!!!!” I see parents listening to their children with interest. Are you aliens? I don’t know. I envy “embarrassed” children sometimes. I see kids getting embarassed because their mother calls them “snuggle-monster” and I am like, “NYAAAaaaaaaa!!!!!” But having Mom is better than not having Mom. I feel guilty a lot of times for writing about her here.
Anyway….I think that’s it. I am losing creativity-juice. Time to go wash the dishes at Aunt’s house meguess.
Ugh. I want to write s’more. I don’t know what to write. I want to write my feelings-sh*t and now I am hungry and it’s dinner time.
OH! I totally forgot! My Blogging 201 Course 😀 DAY 1!!
3 Blogging Goals:
- Use different phrasal verbs!
- Write more concisely
- Make an idea journal for blogging 😮
Image by Paul Militaru