Hello Reader 🙂 I have news to bring 😮 I am going to write more about the things that happen in my life. This could turn into a diary blog.
Also expect baby pictures from time to time, like the one here 🙂 Thanks to JudieAnn Rose for allowing me to share the cuteness that is her children 😀 I am a big fan of her blog. Being the stalker I am, I scrolled through her many instagram photos and noticed the adorableness they radiated! .
I feel a lot calmer now that I have less pressure of “coming up” with things. Because the things that happen weren’t….definitely aren’t….things I planned during the day xD I am too lazy for that.
This will call for more relaxed writing. I love the idea for that. Time for the boring side of Mon for everyone to see 🙂 Don’t worry, I am still the same (unfortunately).
I listened to this video on narcissism by Safe Haven and one of the tips she suggested was to act as if you are calm. To act as if you aren’t affected when the Narc criticizes you. I tried that.Here’s what happened…
This morning I was reading Almost Heaven and Mom peered in. She told me to “prepare myself” for work later. Now, if you read my previous posts, I am taking medicine to help me to focus better. And it is working, little by little. And after months of no studies, I went back to studying. I didn’t even feel like reading books, one of my favorite pastimes. And I’ve recently been picking up books (Yeay!). But….
I knew that if I replied to Mom with “Okay” it wouldn’t be Okay. Hm? I would get even more questions in an irritated tone. “Why don’t you study right now?” “What are your plans for today, REALLY?” etc etc. Now, I would reply to her that I would study whenever I felt like it, as I always did. I had great results despite my anxiety attacks in the past because of working hard (as much as I could, really). And right now I am going through something that made me unable to focus on studying. Anyhow my answer would launch a whole lot of other questions. So what I did was keep quiet because I was close to her anyway and able to listen…anyway. I was pretending to be fully engrossed in the book.
“Oh? So you don’t respect your mother?” She became hostile. Great. She sensed that I knew she would investigate me. I could tell it by her tone of voice that changed from neutral to angry. In a matter of seconds.
“No,” I said slightly jokingly.
AND SHE WENT NUTS. Let me explain that she isn’t the listening kind of person, but whenever she listens, it’s always about her. Everything is about her. I was panicking? Why don’t I see how good of a mother she is. I am not doing anything wrong….”Why don’t you see that I cook for you!!!?”. Etc. I have since a long timefelt guilty for her having even cook for me. Like I shouldn’t be here to be fed; Like it was a favor from her. (And please, don’t take Mom’s side, especially when you haven’t met her. You have no clue how she manipulates other people).
“I am totally fed up with you!” She replied to me. “I am angry that you made a comment like that. It doesn’t feel good, does it? To have a personal servant here working away for you cooking! No respect for your mother!” And other things I forgot to mention. I tried to keep a calm disposition and act like I knew myself, my worth, (the value of my mental health), etc Even though inside was a roiling mass of fear, hopelessness, anger, feeling abandoned, feeling of being a disappointment, etc.
A few moments later she got cooler :I She was heading off to Grandma’s as she planned last night. Then she said something completely neutral that I forgot.
She just called me a while ago about where the food was And then she made an indirect comment about my lack of respect for her, “I am going to stay with my Mom from now on. Okay?” I said, “Okay.” She does this a lot. And then comes back obviously. “This is how the world works. hmm?” She said like if I disrespected her, she would leave me. “Okay” I replied. “Okay, bye!” Mom said. *Sigh* I don’t want to explain myself for new readers right now. Even myself if I read the above things I wrote, I look like an ungrateful, snarky daughter. But you can’t judge me before knowing all the stories. Damn, writing about her feels sad 😦
Anyhow, even though I was happy for spending the day alone, I was scared. I was alone with my thoughts now. Whenever Mom was around, I had this illusion that she would fight the thoughts inside my heads. And today I was alone. I tried to keep busy. I meditated which in turn turned me to sleep. Right now, I am alright somewhat.