Stupid Hotline and Mom

(Trigger warning*****)

My Mother screamed, nagged and talked more about how much she is dissapointed with me. I studied today, I can’t concentrate on my studies for more than 20 minutes, so each time I took a break. Well, the first time I took a 10 minute break and the second times I took a 30 minute break. After eating I felt heavy and sleepy and feel asleep, for almost 3 hours. After waking up, I turned on the computer again.

I always used to tell her I would study later whenever she asked. I didn’t study much and made the mistake of being honest about it. And now I want to die. The thoughts of getting a knife into my stomach, the thoughts of bleeding to death, the thoughts of getting sent to the hospital and then dying there. I am scared of dying and the pain of death.But I studied today, it’s hard for me to study. I used to study for 3 hours in one sitting, taking breaks from time to time. She knows how weak my mental state is.

I found out this suicide hotline online for Bangladesh and too bad. I knew my country is crap. I couldn’t believe there was such a thing in my stupid country. At first I thought it was fake. So I called and got no reply, I would’ve been shocked if someone picked up anyway. We are an amazing country. And if I told Mom I had such thoughts, she would say exactly that, “As if, you would be a coward in the act”.

She knew I studied, a little. I told her I would study later. Which I really would. Today I was feeling a lot less stressed until Mom happened. The little mental energy I had for studying is gone from crying to her to stop nagging me. She wouldn’t stop. She got my Dad in the act because she didn’t believe me when I said I would study.

Comments closed. Sorry. “It’ll get better,” comments isn’t going to make my Mom mentally better not get a better suicide hotline for my country.

Update: I am not doing anything reckless. Don’t misunderstand.