Incriminating Myself

Marriage. Me and Loving Me take breaks from time to time. I feel crap and  wallow in depression…..”Go f*ck yourself, self-love!” And then I when I go to bed and it’s dark and lonely. I lie back and soon settle into the I-HAVE-TO-LOVE-MYSELF-GAWSH!-mode, so I do get myself back. Yeah, I am that easy xD I anticipated the constant divorces, I knew it would happen thus I don’t feel too surprised. I come back to love myself when I feel stable-r. Go me! Go stable, go horses, go stable-horses. I have horsey teeth.

Last night I wasn’t feeling as annoyed; I was able to be nice to myself, I did this cool visualization trick: I imagined myself sitting with my Loving-Self (who looked like the long-haired girl on Tangle) on a bench. She was creeped out by me when I said.certain things. But I could tell she felt sorry for that too xD Yes, it literally happened (in my imagination. Huagagrammmaaa!). But she was gracious and stopped my negative talk. She guided me to focus on the “reality” of myself more. I didn’t see this “reality’ of myself that much, the reality where I am better. greater and kinder. She thinks I am cool.

I worry that I appear as the needy-for-assurance kind of person on the blog.  I do like sympathy; It makes me feel heard . I can’t see any of you but whenever any of you share my feelings, it’s sweet.  I know I am not the un-luckiest. Nope. I wouldn’t switch places with anyone, no, not even you! 😛 I am used to my life and my problems, I don’t want any new set of problems and new solutions, I don’t know what I can or can’t deal with. So yea, I f*cking definitely am grateful for being me 😛

My moaning here is for the vent to breath new “oxygen”. But what’s strange is whenever I see such posts from others, I never seem to critique. I am either entertained or empathetic or both. We are our worst critic. Ah, dude 😛

Now, to let vent the f*ck out!

Vent. Vent. Vent. Vent. Vent!!! OK, this wasn’t good venting. Let me redo it…..

Whenever Mommy (I like using the word “Mommy” because “Ma” sounds cruel to me, even though that’s what I call her) criticizes me, I have…let’s call them “bad thoughts”. Gory thoughts that involve myself. NO! I am not doing anything like that. These are thoughts. JUST THOUGHTS! You don’t know the thoughts I had when my OCD was  severe; the thoughts I have now are “milder”. Do Not. I repeat, do not get all OCD over this 😛 Anyway, I get thoughts about it. And then they go away.

I can’t recount all the things in my head, youknows? No, I also wanted to use the word “incriminate” which I did in the title and just now.

Erm…..that’s all folks?

Image: Paul Militaru

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