Dying for introspection

You see, I have been talking more about events than my feelings on events (at least, to myself). And it hurts to not know what I am feeling xD It’s like I don’t know what I feel before I put sh*t out there. And now I putting sh*t out there about putting sh*t out there.

I am boring! Waaoo. OK, brain-dump over. I am a little hungry. NO HUNGRY IS NOT A FEELING. I feel better.I felt a little crappy before, but now I feel a lot better. Damn, writing about it makes me feel even better. Seriously. You non-writers (how do you stay non-writering?) outa try it. GOSH! EMOTIONS! OK.

I feel better. No, I said that already.

It hurts. It hurts when psychiatrists update their Facebook status while I am talking. I am not a mental-trend you see. I am a person, who feels ashamed a lot of times to admit it even though she tries to be more open, who is hurting. It’s hard enough I am sitting beside you. Why do you feel the need to like that picture of a tree on your newsfeed? Why?

It hurts again. It hurts when parents talk to each other about my illness. I used to think I shouldn’t have even existed right here. I am worried that I want a child of my own and at the same time, OCD can be biologically inherited. I am afraid that I might get my heart broken for that reason when my future partner finds out I am not all-right in the head.

It hurts when people say mental illness is something funny. It also hurts when people say it is “normal”. I mean, it’s understandable. Back before I was struck with OCD, I used to think mental illness was a cool thing. (Yeah, seriously). It was until I got it and realized the monster for what it was. It’s like a little insect sits in my head and stops me from making my decisions. Mental illnesses manipulate your thoughts to control you (Mental illness is starting to sound your evil childhood teacher).

But anyhow, people without any mental illness doesn’t understand.To make you understand at least a wee little more, I will use an analogy from Lost.

Have you watched Lost? I was a big fan of that show, until they screwed it up with the pathetic last season :/ But anyhow, there was a character I could relate to: John Locke. Well, I can’t relate to having paralyzed legs after being thrown off a building by your own father, but it’s about his shame. His shame of not being “able-bodied”. Although after he finds himself in the mysterious, magical island, his leg regained it’s ability and he enjoyed the freedom of walking again.

He mentions being humiliated of being seen as the old-guy-in-the-wheelchair. Others may think it’s fine to have problems, that people do have problems, but Locke… Locke was the one experiencing his problems. Locke was experiencing them first-hand, through and through . Now, I don’t know the problems of being in a wheelchair, thank Goodness. But I can certainly sense the feeling of not being a part of the “normal” spectrum of people.

Locke disliked it when people would help him out because it made him aware of how helpless he was to himself. There he was, sitting there thinking how to pull the luggage up to his cabin, and then a healthy young man,Jack, another character from Lost, takes it up for him with a kind smile (before the plane crashed on an island, my Goodness). And Locke didn’t even smile back, he just looked at him. It was such a scene. He was sitting there being powerless while Jack, with the power Locke lacked, did what Locke thought he was supposed to do, can you feel this sad lack? 😦 I know, what Jack did by helping him was nice, but I am talking about Locke’s personal feelings here. You tend to attach labels on yourself after you deal with a problem long enough, and in Locke’s case? *sigh*

I hope it helped a little to understand the dynamics? I mean, not being “normal”? 😦 And only those with problems are called “special”, like seriously? A “nicer” substitute for mental is “special”? Thanks, I feel really special. Well, where was I?

Oh yeah. Parents. Psychiatrists. Psyche Students. They all make me sad. Psych students, because, I don’t know. It feels like they are learning something with no cure. Isn’t mental illness something you “cope” with? 😦 They are psyche-coping-stragetists. And mental doctors, they are crazy, the ones I met. My heart feels heavy as I think about them. I feel sad when I am around them. I am doomed and they want money and facebook likes.

And Parents. Damn. They think I need to get myself “fixed”. It’s a slap on the face every time parents say something like, “OK, the next two councellling sessions might be enough to solve her problems”. Really? You even made a calculation of how many more sessions I need before I get fixed?

Concluding….don’t judge people without being in their shoes. People with problems feel a whole lot about their problems than those without it do.

Here I go switching from emotions again. From silly from the start of the post- to sad. My throat feels heavy from my emotions. I think this will be the last words for this post. OK, until next time :I

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35 thoughts on “Dying for introspection

  1. EdenNoMore says:

    So, I kinda just wrote something about the whole process of mental illness from a different perspective. It’s funny how things seem to go in waves like that in my life. In my case I was talking about happiness, and the people who just think you have to try a little harder to be happy and all that.

    Honestly, I get it. I mean, I really miss walking around on crutches or with my arm in a sling and encumbering splint. It made me insane to even have to get help to take a shower, but at least people saw it. People understood. Would I choose that instead? No, not really, not on most days, but on some days it would be easier to have something people could see. I might not get treated so harshly when I’m having problems.

    Funny thing is I used to want mental problems too, but only because then I’d have an excuse to be the way i was. As it turns out, I always did and just didn’t know it. Anyhow, I’m rambling now.

    • Mon♥ (is not a pinecone) says:

      I used to want to have mental problems xD I used to think it would make others appreciate me. But then I actually had it. And I saw the stigma around it. I also saw how “normal” others seemed, I would wonder what kind of “treatment” others would take to be this way. And now I just want to be able to think for myself :/ Yeah, sometimes it’s nice though, to think someone thought the pain we have matters, that it does hurt. That we are individuals with a problem, not “everyone with their problem” :/

  2. Rah Plotts says:

    Thank you for sharing this. For talking about the side of mental illness that people don’t see when they look at you. Not you specifically…. Your post helped me to understand that everyone is like an onion, not that everyone stinks, but, that they all have many layers underneath the surface.

    • Mon♥ (is not a pinecone) says:

      Thanks, Rah! 🙂 Yea, I wanted people to know that whatever problem a person has, be it mental or physical, is that people who experience it live in a whole other dimension of different other problems and labels. Thanks, Rah 🙂

      LOL, well, I stink too xD

  3. sonofabeach96 says:

    What exactly is “normal”? I venture to guess that those we see as “normal” really aren’t so different from us. Some simply lack self-awareness. Some put on the “happy” face. Some have major issues in their life, that while not necessarily mental, cause huge rifts in their personal lives. Some suffer in silence. My point being, don’t judge yourself based on what and who you perceive others to be. That grass on the other side of the fence? It’s rarely as green as it appears.

    • Mon♥ (is not a pinecone) says:

      Thanks Sonny. I know there are people with problems too. No one can actually guess even me that I have problems, I am always laughing and smiling all the time. That’s why I don’t trust smiles myself, I always try to find other things in others beside their polite smiles. I know I am not the only one with problems and a desire to be “normal”, the whole society tries to be accepted and then bring new “standards” for being accepted, it’s an ego-world we live in. But other people’s problems doesn’t make mine any less and vice versa. If I am not the one recognizing my problems, no one will do it for me. It’s taking medicine to be able to think like the average person that pisses me off. People have different standards for normal, and me living the way I am and the way I have, normal is not having to take medicine just like so many others to be able to “function”.

  4. yanaakm says:

    I know how you feel. Writing helps me a lot. I understand your example too, I used to watch Lost. Great show, hated the ending. Anyways, there is no quick fix to mental illness. It is a life time commitment. It is knowing yourself better and finding ways to deal with or help change slowly the negative. If I was able to, I would be in therapy the rest of my life. It helps. And everything I do from my meds to meditation helps. As for the doctor checking his face instead of paying attention to you, next time call him out on it politely. That is what I would do anyways. Lots of hugs!

    • Mon♥ (is not a pinecone) says:

      I know, it is a life-time committment, I just wish it was a temporary commitment, you know? Yeah, I don’t think therapy did much for me, I had to learn all the techniques from the internet :/ Thank Goodness for the internet.

      I really can’t call out the doctor :/ He has an ego-problem (he wouldn’t see the prescription from another psychiatrist about my problems. Because other psychiatrists are his competition?) and he is the best psychiatrist we met unfortunately.

      Thanks -hugs back-

  5. Sonu says:

    You don’t need people acceptance to live your life 🙂 what other people feel think or say is none of your business 🙂 put a BIG smile on your face and move on 🙂 This shall pass too (y)

Please write! :'(

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