OCD last night

I can’t not pass a day without writing about my thoughts. Which is good because venting needs to be done. And it helps.

The past three days, my OCD got weird. The worries increased slowly. It increased slowly through the moments, until midnight when I had a breakdown. It was painful. It was sudden. I was lying in bed, not worrying. Just thinking. And then it just hit me. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable, it’s an uncomfortable, intrusive, fiery anxiety. It just hit me. JUST like that.

This was a lot different. I have anxiety and have moments when it increases and makes me more….worried but….this time it was….a different kind of anxiety. It’s like anxiety has all these ways of catching me. There’s these three kinds of anxiety I experience- the normal anxiety, the OCD-anxiety and the out-of-nowhere-with-no-reason-or-triggers anxiety. The tertiary anxiety is the one I am talking about. I still feel like this as I write. But less.

I was lying in bed TRYING to relax. It’s hard to relax when you have uncontrollable anxiety like that. With OCD-anxiety, I wait a little until the feelings get calm enough to be able to focus and meditate (although I don’t experience OCD to that extent anymore, thank Goodness). But this one was absolutely horrendous.

How do you extinguish a fiery feelings that don’t go?

Anyway, I was trying really hard to sleep. And then this happens: I cry. F*ck. I try to wonder, like I always do when I cry for no reason, “OK. What’s the underlying worry here? Did something happen to trigger me? What’s really the matter?” My mind came with no answer to any of those questions. Those were some stupid questions.

I got up to walk around a little to feel through the emotions. That wasn’t working. I went to the bathroom and cried some more. I went back to bed and tried listening to guided meditations. That wasn’t working. My face was slightly burning from having salty tears flowing constantly. And I realized that I had to wake my Mom up; I didn’t want to wake her up, but this got unbearable. I woke her up and told her I was crying.

She knew in a moment what I was going through (since I used to do this before) and got up and tried patting my back. I told her I couldn’t stop crying, that I didn’t even know why I was crying. I told her I wanted Dad to be here too. So she called Dad and just before he came, the feelings got milder. This was why we went for therapy today morning but the schedules got messed up with the Doctor’s and we didn’t see him. I turned back some guided meditation and followed through the audio until I went to sleep.

Right now, I feel the fire around my tail-bone, my stomach, my throat, my shoulders and around my eyes. It burns. But not as much as it did last night. So anyway, my moaning is done. I feel better than before. I also need to meditate more.

And study :I

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26 thoughts on “OCD last night

  1. Tessa says:

    I am confused. What does your OCD stand for because in my world it stands for obsessive/compulsive disorder and is nothing like you describe. I have it myself. It just makes me blog regularly since I am obsessed with it. I have to check that my doors are locked a hundred times before I can leave the house that is compulsion. I have lots of obsessions and compulsions, but no fire.

    Can you explain. I don’t understand fire everywhere.

      • Tessa says:

        Do you have obsessive/compulsive feelings that you have no control over or something else. Do you have different names for illness because I don’t think I have ever heard you mention obsessions and compulsions. There are not really intrusive thoughts. They make you do things you can’t help but do because you have a compulsion and it drives you nuts with obsessions where you can’t stop something and do it over and over.

      • Mon♥ Bloggistish says:

        Yes 😮 There are different forms of OCD, while everyone has all of the symptoms in this article, one is dominant (from what I understand, but it makes sense for me)

        http://www.ocduk.org/types-ocd

        I used to have both hand-washing/checking obsessions but those reduced by a lot. Now almost insignificant. But I have a different kind of compulsion but I am not OK to talk about it on the blog :/ Maybe I will later.

        Now I need to focus more on the constant anxiety and thoughts the anxiety brings with it.

  2. lovetotrav says:

    Take care and I hope it alleviates soon for you… scary to feel like you don’t have control over your feelings and emotions and even your body. It sounds like writing about it is therapeutic to some degree so keep doing it. Hugs and wishes for it to go away.

  3. koolaidmoms says:

    Thank you for sharing. Having a younger child with OCD, Autism and Anxiety it is good for me to read from the other side the feelings and thoughts. Thank you for sharing!

Please write! :'(

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