I can’t not pass a day without writing about my thoughts. Which is good because venting needs to be done. And it helps.
The past three days, my OCD got weird. The worries increased slowly. It increased slowly through the moments, until midnight when I had a breakdown. It was painful. It was sudden. I was lying in bed, not worrying. Just thinking. And then it just hit me. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable, it’s an uncomfortable, intrusive, fiery anxiety. It just hit me. JUST like that.
This was a lot different. I have anxiety and have moments when it increases and makes me more….worried but….this time it was….a different kind of anxiety. It’s like anxiety has all these ways of catching me. There’s these three kinds of anxiety I experience- the normal anxiety, the OCD-anxiety and the out-of-nowhere-with-no-reason-or-triggers anxiety. The tertiary anxiety is the one I am talking about. I still feel like this as I write. But less.
I was lying in bed TRYING to relax. It’s hard to relax when you have uncontrollable anxiety like that. With OCD-anxiety, I wait a little until the feelings get calm enough to be able to focus and meditate (although I don’t experience OCD to that extent anymore, thank Goodness). But this one was absolutely horrendous.
How do you extinguish a fiery feelings that don’t go?
Anyway, I was trying really hard to sleep. And then this happens: I cry. F*ck. I try to wonder, like I always do when I cry for no reason, “OK. What’s the underlying worry here? Did something happen to trigger me? What’s really the matter?” My mind came with no answer to any of those questions. Those were some stupid questions.
I got up to walk around a little to feel through the emotions. That wasn’t working. I went to the bathroom and cried some more. I went back to bed and tried listening to guided meditations. That wasn’t working. My face was slightly burning from having salty tears flowing constantly. And I realized that I had to wake my Mom up; I didn’t want to wake her up, but this got unbearable. I woke her up and told her I was crying.
She knew in a moment what I was going through (since I used to do this before) and got up and tried patting my back. I told her I couldn’t stop crying, that I didn’t even know why I was crying. I told her I wanted Dad to be here too. So she called Dad and just before he came, the feelings got milder. This was why we went for therapy today morning but the schedules got messed up with the Doctor’s and we didn’t see him. I turned back some guided meditation and followed through the audio until I went to sleep.
Right now, I feel the fire around my tail-bone, my stomach, my throat, my shoulders and around my eyes. It burns. But not as much as it did last night. So anyway, my moaning is done. I feel better than before. I also need to meditate more.
And study :I