Studying

I never used to be this anxious about studying. Maybe I do need medicine. Maybe. Why am I so anxious? The thought of studying triggers a whole other dimension of worries,Β  My Mom just told me to organize my Maths book for tomorrow. That triggered me. And that’s why I am writing here now. I know, take it one at a time. But I don’t even want to touch my book. I was never like this, I mean I was, to some extent. But not to this extreme extent. Dust collects on my books and I don’t like my books.

I don’t want to think. My school subjects can’t be changed because they are all necessary for my goals. And my subjects requires me to think. A LOT. A LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT. Maths, English Literature (this subject is the king of thinking) and Accounting.

Ugh.

I don’t like to think. I can’t think.

My headphones are broken so now I can’t use my guided meditations to meditate. My speakers don’t work either, but I wouldn’t want Mom to hear all this crap and know I am meditating- if she knows about it- this will set whole other chain of events that will cause this blog to me more therapish than it is right now.

I don’t want to think. I don’t want to touch my books. I don’t even want to read my books for 5 seconds only just to start small. I guess my problem is, I want to avoid my studies. It causes me a lot of stress. And just saying. “But you HAVE to,” makes me want to set my books on fire. Getting advice on my studying also does that because I can’t find a single f*cking advice that works for me right now to get motivated. I know there is the, “Or how else are you going to move out and get away from your parents” motivation, but that isn’t enough.

I guess I am just a lazy-ass worry-wreck.

I hate studying. Boo studying. I want to tear the pages of all the books and then set them on fire.

Or maybe it’s just my depression acting up. But I haven’t been studying for 2 WHOLE months. Was I depressed these 2 f*cking whole months!? Maybe. No, if I wasn’t, I would’ve studies. There’s no reason for me to not study. Except that it will start more worries. I can’t study without my worries.

I feel the blood running up to my head and around my eyes as I write this. I was such a studious person. And now I don’t want to study AT ALL.

I need to start small. I need to make a guideline. I think what’s missing is a plan and a syllabus.

Oh, that’s actually calming to think about. To have a syllabus. I think I will make a guideline of the things that needs to get done. Great, I just solved my problem a bit by writing here πŸ˜€ Brain-dumps rule! Now for a gif, as requested by a reader,

Hangover

B*tch, I am perfect.

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13 thoughts on “Studying

  1. Miss Evelyn says:

    I think you’re just nervous as you said. Its normal. Not sure why they prescribed medication for you. But im the same as you, I wouldn’t take it either. I already know my issues require a rewiring of the brain. Maybe see another therapist?

    • Mon (Imma girl) says:

      Yep. Doing that. Phew, good to know I am not the only people. All the people around me instead need all the medication they can get their hands on, since they are so crazy about it.

      • Miss Evelyn says:

        This is only my own opinion, but medication is just an escape just like how people take cocaine, alcohol, etc. Now it’s not to say people aren’t clinically depressed because I know of some people who are and need the medication because of a chemical imbalance. But for me personally, I know if I remove myself from my situation and removed my conditioned behaviors, I myself will change and better. That’s why I suggested seeing another therapist and maybe find the one the best suited to your needs. There are many different specialities. x

      • Mon (Imma girl) says:

        Yes, you’re right. Some people don’t really need medication but rather sort through their problems one by one. Some people can have a chemical imblance in their brain, I mean, I have it, but I don’t want to fix it by drugs, even though one drug I took relaxed me a lot, but I wanted to get to the root of it.

      • Miss Evelyn says:

        It’s gonna take a while for me getting to the root of it. Its just full of anguish and sadness. I read somewhere you’ll have to go back to each experience and just calm yourself that way. But then I don’t know, that’s why it’s best to seek professionals but not just any. The ones that specializes in your needs.

      • Mon (Imma girl) says:

        Yeah. I bet if I uttered “C-PTSD from being a codependent of a narcissit” to them, they would be all, “What the fresh hell is that!?” xD On one video, a lady said we should go to a therapist who knows what terms like those even means xD But therapists who listen here and guide properly are rare from my experience so I can’t follow up on that advice xD

      • Miss Evelyn says:

        It’s difficult that’s for sure. That’s why I’m relying on myself by reading books. It has helped me process my emotions instead of letting them built up and explode. I was trying to make a connection between my blogging here and diaries in my past. Haven’t figured it out yet…but you’re right we need to get to the root of it before it gets out of hand..

  2. Ansh says:

    Approaching study subjects like they are meant to be literally ‘studied’ will feel ridiculous for eternity.

    But thinking about ‘study’ as a way of knowing and understanding something in a better way because you’re already very much capable and deserving of knowing things..

    That’s a better approach.. Just ‘know’ about things girl. We can try. Forget the boundaries of textbook Accounting, Maths, etc and their syllabi πŸ™‚

    • Mon (Imma girl) says:

      I love “knowing” but I need to memorize all the crazy info from those text books! And all the problems in those text books needs to be solved! πŸ˜₯ It’s not like the internet where I just read for fun or just to know xD If it was just fun reading, it woudld be OK. But as I read, I have to take notes, analyze texts, etx πŸ˜₯

      • Ansh says:

        Yes.. That’s just for ‘knowing deeper’ πŸ˜‰ which is way cooler than just ‘knowing’.

        If we don’t make our brains work it simply won’t remember. Now that’s annoying I know. Seems tedious. But God gave us ‘creativity’ to handle that.. There must be hidden ways for you. I really hope you find which ones are for you.. Soon.

        Something people like me and you (who struggle) should do in our own creative ways πŸ™‚

      • Mon (Imma girl) says:

        To me, thinking and creativity has a fine line between them πŸ˜‰ But yeah, I guess maybe I can find a creative way to learn fatcs and then give evidence for facts and (this sounds boring as I write this) LOL, but thanks πŸ™‚

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