I never used to be this anxious about studying. Maybe I do need medicine. Maybe. Why am I so anxious? The thought of studying triggers a whole other dimension of worries, My Mom just told me to organize my Maths book for tomorrow. That triggered me. And that’s why I am writing here now. I know, take it one at a time. But I don’t even want to touch my book. I was never like this, I mean I was, to some extent. But not to this extreme extent. Dust collects on my books and I don’t like my books.
I don’t want to think. My school subjects can’t be changed because they are all necessary for my goals. And my subjects requires me to think. A LOT. A LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT. Maths, English Literature (this subject is the king of thinking) and Accounting.
I don’t like to think. I can’t think.
My headphones are broken so now I can’t use my guided meditations to meditate. My speakers don’t work either, but I wouldn’t want Mom to hear all this crap and know I am meditating- if she knows about it- this will set whole other chain of events that will cause this blog to me more therapish than it is right now.
I don’t want to think. I don’t want to touch my books. I don’t even want to read my books for 5 seconds only just to start small. I guess my problem is, I want to avoid my studies. It causes me a lot of stress. And just saying. “But you HAVE to,” makes me want to set my books on fire. Getting advice on my studying also does that because I can’t find a single f*cking advice that works for me right now to get motivated. I know there is the, “Or how else are you going to move out and get away from your parents” motivation, but that isn’t enough.
I guess I am just a lazy-ass worry-wreck.
I hate studying. Boo studying. I want to tear the pages of all the books and then set them on fire.
Or maybe it’s just my depression acting up. But I haven’t been studying for 2 WHOLE months. Was I depressed these 2 f*cking whole months!? Maybe. No, if I wasn’t, I would’ve studies. There’s no reason for me to not study. Except that it will start more worries. I can’t study without my worries.
I feel the blood running up to my head and around my eyes as I write this. I was such a studious person. And now I don’t want to study AT ALL.
I need to start small. I need to make a guideline. I think what’s missing is a plan and a syllabus.
Oh, that’s actually calming to think about. To have a syllabus. I think I will make a guideline of the things that needs to get done. Great, I just solved my problem a bit by writing here 😀 Brain-dumps rule! Now for a gif, as requested by a reader,