Ugh. This is becoming a therapy blog. I hate therapy. I wish I could go back to writing the things I want. But right now I can’t deal unless I write about my feelings here. So…
Remember the doctor who wouldn’t counsel me but went all mad- junky -doctor on me? Here’s what happened because of that:
This morning my parents sprung at me to take my “remedy”. Just because a cracked doctor has an MA, MBA and a freakin’ p.H.D on the psyche doesn’t mean he is legit. Still. A professional can be grand only if he is passionate about serving his patients, in which case, that doctor wasn’t. Cracked Doctor didn’t consign to guide me through my grief; he tried to numb me with drugs and THEN took the money for BOTH counseling AND the medicine I didn’t ask for.
I sobbed to my parents. I bawled. I can’t do anything for being under their ruling. Initially Dad came at me, “Mon, take this medicine,” and I turned him down. I didn’t think he wasn’t serious about it only because the doctor told us to. Little did I know it was a calculated move by both of my parents. You see, my Dad has always been milder with me. He doesn’t scold me. So parents decided, as I believe, that Dad would “break the ice” with this question since I am more at ease with him. After I refused, the Mother-Monster would get into action. She then tried to calmly convince me to take my medicine and I said I needed counseling instead.
After hearing my side of things, Dad agreed with me. But between disagreeing with me and attacking a fire-breathing dragon, which would you pick? I would’ve picked the first too. And Mom went nuts and was threatening to leave the house, I paid no attention to her. This was a common tactic of hers. “I will leave you if you don’t X, Y and Z,” she would say to me quite often. It broke my heart everytime but I ignored her. Dad, on the other hand, couldn’t. He whispered, “Mony (that’s my nickname), take this, please. See what your Mom is doing?” I ignored him too. I realized he secretly wanted me to take the medicine but agreed with me because I was walking around the house hysterically while bawling and he couldn’t handle it. But Mom on the other hand…
“Mon! Why are YOU crying like this?” she whispered to me while I was leaning against the wardrobe in the other room and crying. “WHY are YOU crying!?”
You see, this is another tactic of Mom’s. She can never see things from another person’s view, unless it is from an authority, then she will pretend she agrees and come home to tell what an ass that person is.
There was no use telling her why but, but again, I explained to her and she disagreed. Why does she tell me to explain things when she knows what I will say?
I agreed to take the pills to keep the sanity in my family because parents started arguing over me. I told them how arguing with each other was going to cure me mentally even? But they won’t stop. They never would. They don’t honor my sanity. They. NEVER. WILL. If they have something to say, even if it breaks my heart to see them like this, they will damn right argue. If it is about the smallest thing to blow each other up, they must argue for I am invisible but a mental wreck of a daughter at the same time.
I haven’t been talking to Mom and so Mom said a while ago that if I don’t want to, I don’t have to take my medicine. I can’t trust Mom. Who knows what tactic she is using now. She might blow up tomorrow if I don’t take my medicine. I told her about how I could trust that she is telling the truth. And she said, quite simple, that if I don’t have to take my medicine, I don’t have to. But I can’t trust her if she does this again. She sometimes disagrees with some of the things she said before which, as well all call it, is gaslighting.
My parents and my Crack-Ph.d-Doctor are all in dire need of therapy- far more than I need it.