Vulnerability #6

To write. Well…brain-dump to be more….whatever.

I thought I would write this series tomorrow, but I just wanted to write. I was chatting with Anne and while I was talking about my problems, I suddenly felt the need to cry. But I hid my tears because Mom was around.

Ever since I have admitted to myself that what Mom did was wrong, I started to feel better. I remember certain incidences in my childhood when Mom beat me. But do you know what? Ever since I was 12, it didn’t feel as occasional. The abuse I mean. I have always had this hatred for Mom. And when someone tells me what Mom does is for the best, I want them to choke up on two kilograms of the OCD I deal with.

Yeah, OCD feels like something is choking you and you have to do sh*t to get rid of it. But it doesn’t really do. The more you give into the compulsions, the more OCD grows. Cool, right? :I Super cool that when you get anxious and you try hard to get rid of this feeling but compulsions make it worse. And yet you can’t stop yourself for the temporary relief from the compulsions which makes it an even more permanent problem.

I haven’t been writing about happy silly things. And I don’t want to. I just think this blog will spread negative to everyone who reads it. So, if you’re a really positive person who hates negativity, you have to take a break from reading my blog because I don’t feel not-crappy. That’s why I started this series.

I didn’t want to share such delicate parts of my mind on a blog. I wanted to make this blog the one place in my life where only happy and silly things happen. And every times I post an article on this series, it makes me think, “Really Mon? Do you like filling this place with the same old same old?” Which makes me think about another thing; I have updated a gratitude journal. Yeay. I think I will make a Happy Sh*t Category for all the happy sh*t in my life. Happy crap! Whoot! Whoot! We all want that don’t we? HAPPY CRAP!

Many people take the “You can’t say ‘Happiness’ without saying ‘Penis'” sh*t way too seriously here :I. Or they are right. Survival of the fittest. I think the only reason women fell back is because of the lack of physical fitness and strength. Just look what a simple thing can do. But it’s always been that way in nature. Survival of the penis….I mean fittest. Gosh, that was hilarious! Anyhow, back to the matter..Of course, now it’s survival of the dude-with-academic-degree fittest..est?

Happiness. It sounds funny. Penises. That sounds funny too. Vagina sounds very serious, it’s like the name of a serious and nagging elderly woman, I don’t know, I am just posting my thoughts as they come here, 90% of the time.

I guess my writing gets silly one way or another. I love silly sh*t. I love that asshole, that silliness asshole. That makes no sense,ย  but I won’t edit that asshole sentence. Assholes are such assholes, indeed. Shit-hole. Mouth-hole? Ear-hole? Oh, that reminds me of a conversation I had. The font in blue is by another person.

How does a fourway occur?

“I won’t tell, sorry. I don’t want to corrupt that little head of yours.”

“Do they get it inside other people’s noses? And their ears as well?”

:’D

Funny that I got from assholes to…never mind. This doesn’t sound fun anymore.

OK, I won’t look back. Oh right. Abuse.

So as I accepted more about the abuse I went through, which I don’t remember much about but my subconscious makes me angry at Mom anyway since I was 12. There’s one part that says “Mom didn’t abuse you” and another part says, “She Abused. A LOT. And I hate her”. Well, whatever. Mom says she didn’t. She said she NEVER hurt me and yet she hurt me just recently.

Do you know (probably not) ever since I was nine I had always fantasized about being apologized to? Yes, you read that right. I still think about someone who realized their wrong and apologized to me. But I was WORTHY of being apologized to in my sick fantasy too. In this fantasy I had a good job; I was well-liked; unique; Extremely physically strong (Do I want to be masculine to keep up with society?); Prettier—> everything I want and in my fantasy, someone realized my worth and apologies to me.I find that idea very comforting because my whole life I felt pretty pathetic and like the things that happened to me, the hurt that happened to me, was nothing. But my subconscious doesn’t remember this “nothing” I force on myself; It remembers every f*cking little thing. And it makes me day-dream about being valued enough to get an apology for the things that happened.

In this series, I open my heart more; I will share some of my deepest thoughts. I will put these in the rants categories ๐Ÿ˜ฎ These will be a bit messy as I share my thoughts as they come. This will be my totally imperfect, vulnerable side other than the happy bubbly person you guys see, thatโ€™s also a part of me, but this is the secret (not so secret anymore) part of me. Please donโ€™t judge, these are simply my thoughts expressed openly. If you donโ€™t like them, what are you doing here?

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34 thoughts on “Vulnerability #6

  1. ambivalencegirl says:

    One of my yuckiest trauma memories is someone saying that he wanted to stick it in every hole in my body and rub it all over me and ughh. No clue if it happened by surely the words have stuck.
    Being vulnerable is something I am only in writing but not IRL

  2. willytyme says:

    You are stronger than a lot of people I know petite’. You are a very strong girl, and I know you’re a girl now, and you have strength that is unknown to most. ;o) Huggies.

  3. Marie says:

    That was such a sad and yet sweet post. Please stay strong. I love reading your writings. You will be just fine. I’m sorry that that’s all I can do for you. Wish I could be more of help…
    -Marie.

  4. Missa says:

    That was a beautiful expression of pain and resilience. Despite the pain and hurt, you bounced right back to silliness and fun. I loved seeing your wordplay thought processes as things jumped into your head. Keep your head up. Keep being upbeat, but let yourself feel and express your pain sometimes. Don’t ever apologize for having “negative” emotions.
    *Hugs*

  5. rebeccabeckam4wxo says:

    YES…We are vulnerable when we share our souls…The Real…The Good And The Painful…I know how you feel..I have just had one of the hardest most painful weeks…My daughter in law was raped…We have Cried, Screamed, Cried, Nurtured, She Survived so Thankful for That…And so mad and scared and unable to get to my girls as they live in a different state…and the car decided to not work..Powerless…Mad….Loved..and that is REAL …Ups and Downs..all in the same second this week. Vulnerable YES..But Real…Thank You..Wonderfully Written

  6. DrDreo says:

    I like how you mix serious with funny. And what i know about you by now makes me think that you are mentally strong and just seek satisfaction and that’s the reason you get it right one day.

  7. everywordyousay says:

    I wish I could just hug you right now. It is abuse if a parent neglects and beats their child. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, it’s just not fair. But remember you are strong, you are beautiful, you are kind, and you are nothing like her. All the best x

Please write! :'(

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