You all know how I have been weepy and mopey yesterday from my previous posts. But then as the thought of not taking my pills started to subside, I realized something. I was having another one of those episodes where I cry for no reason.
No. No reason totally.
I cried and that wet my pillow. I cried and thought, “Dude, at least have a reason!”. It’s one of those “Pent up Emotions trying to Get out all of a sudden to make you feel crappy but better after it’s over” moments. And I changed the side of my pillow because that side was cold from tears. And I closed my eyes, thinking it has stopped finally.
Boy was I wrong.
I started crying again and tried to stop but then realized I couldn’t. This was the only dry side of my pillow 😮 I couldn’t make this side wet too. If I changed pillow and there aren’t many pillows and Mom saw the wet one, she would realize what had happened. I couldn’t risk that. So I got up.
For no reason.
Until I had cried enough to go to sleep again. I was still a little teary but the uncontrollable crying went away. Although the feeling didn’t. I tried to meditate to sleep but inside me these shitty fireworks of emotions were going off and I couldn’t focus well. Then I switched to an affirmation meditation and that helped me feel better. But not enough to put me to sleep.
And my Aunt started calling late at night and I used that as an excuse to get out of bed. If Mom sees I got out of bed for no reason, she might make some….assumptions and I don’t want that. Mom thinking I have these problems is just another one of my problems :I It’s a long story that requires another post for another time.
So I got up and walked around to feel my way through the feelings and then Mom came and then I had to go to bed. Even though I still felt crappy as hell, I soon slept. I think I started crying again but only a little.
I still don’t want to take more pills. I have one I take that the doctor told me to. I don’t want the doctor to add extra pills. I want to heal naturally and not from some crappy mental-pills.