Rant: Couldn’t Sleep Well

You all know how I have been weepy and mopey yesterday from my previous posts. But then as the thought of not taking my pills started to subside, I realized something. I was having another one of those episodes where I cry for no reason.

No. No reason totally.

I cried and that wet my pillow. I cried and thought, “Dude, at least have a reason!”. It’s one of those “Pent up Emotions trying to Get out all of a sudden to make you feel crappy but better after it’s over” moments. And I changed the side of my pillow because that side was cold from tears. And I closed my eyes, thinking it has stopped finally.

Boy was I wrong.

I started crying again and tried to stop but then realized I couldn’t. This was the only dry side of my pillow 😮 I couldn’t make this side wet too. If I changed pillow and there aren’t many pillows and Mom saw the wet one, she would realize what had happened. I couldn’t risk that. So I got up.

And cried.

For no reason.

Until I had cried enough to go to sleep again. I was still a little teary but the uncontrollable crying went away. Although the feeling didn’t. I tried to meditate to sleep but inside me these shitty fireworks of emotions were going off and I couldn’t focus well. Then I switched to an affirmation meditation and that helped me feel better. But not enough to put me to sleep.

And my Aunt started calling late at night and I used that as an excuse to get out of bed. If Mom sees I got out of bed for no reason, she might make some….assumptions and I don’t want that. Mom thinking I have these problems is just another one of my problems :I It’s a long story that requires another post for another time.

So I got up and walked around to feel my way through the feelings and then Mom came and then I had to go to bed. Even though I still felt crappy as hell, I soon slept. I think I started crying again but only a little.

I still don’t want to take more pills. I have one I take that the doctor told me to. I don’t want the doctor to add extra pills. I want to heal naturally and not from some crappy mental-pills.

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20 thoughts on “Rant: Couldn’t Sleep Well

  1. Darkwriter11 says:

    I get the “healing naturally” thing. I believe you can cope with most things without prescription drugs. I also get the not wanting anyone to se you hurting as well. Don’t keep your emotions bottled up too long. Promise that won’t end well. Take care of yourself Mon.

  2. brightonbipolar says:

    You’ve been nominated for the Love/Hate Challenge! See my post ‘Love/Hate Challenge’ for more details. 😊

    • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

      Yeah, I know. But I forgot the source of these stress so it feels like it’s happening just out of nowhere :I It used to happen to me more often and it’s been a long time since the last time. I thought I finally got through this though 😥 But whatever, I need more work with myself. *Hugs*

      • miusho says:

        Actually. The way I find out what’s “wrong” is to try and find out what “changed”. What “changed” for you to suddenly me so moody and weepy? When did it start? I try to track back why I feel sick be trying to remember what changed in my diet. It works often, not sure if it’s applicable on feelings. 😮

      • miusho says:

        Actually, it’s better to start an elimination diet. That way you can try everything one by one to see what it does to your body. It’s not unhealthy if you do it for a little while, you just start with eating only certain foods from which you know won’t affect you. Just introduce a food every three days, if it’s good, you can add it to your diet. Not good? Scrap it.
        I have issues with nightshades and grains and maybe (not sure though) dairy.

      • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

        I need to start eating healthier, althiough I do have one problem. I starve if I don’t eat rice! Rice fills me up pretty good and I don’t see a better substitute for it other than those expensive rice, which we can’t buy 😮

        But I see..maybe experimenting can be good for me 😦 Although I could tolerate a lot of different kinds of food before I started taking pills. Argh. I wish for the day when I can go on without these stupid health-disrupting pills D:

        But yeah. Dieting should be initiated :I Thank you, Lovely :*

      • miusho says:

        I barely eat rice or potatoes.. Or pasta or noodles. I mainly just eat fruit and veggies and occasionally meat / fish. Sometimes (gluten-free) bread. Rice may be a filler but I don’t think it’s as necessary as veggies though. You won’t starve if you don’t eat rice and no one said you had to cut it out. Just look at it as something like an extra. 😉

      • miusho says:

        Well. Unlike my tiny tummy you’re used to eating lots of rice. 😛
        I’m not used to eating much.
        Just eat a little less rice and a bit more veggies? Tried that?

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