Vulnerability #3

I haven’t seen adult, male genitals. I have internet, but I am not that bad ๐Ÿ˜› No way.I only keep such thoughts as just that- thoughts. Like Amy Farrah Fowler from the Big Bang Theory said, “Self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun”. Even though I believe that philosophy with all my heart, her interesting word choice cracks me up.

Now for some “What if” sorts of….stuff.

If I were living in the past, way back before the internet, I would’ve become deep crazy. I learnt so much about my problems and their solutions from the internet than from the people around me. I also like reading on the internet.

If I turned into a White guy all of a sudden, I guess I would feel pretty pathetic for thinking that Whites and Men are superior because of my social conditioning but mostly because….I would still be me…..and needing to poop. If I think of someone pooping, I don’t feel inferior to them anymore.

If I were a 100 years old now, I would probably regret all the times I worried. I know I have OCD, but I think I would still blame myself for not trying hard enough to live happier. Or maybe I would be wiser and accept things as they are. Who knows?

If I were living in America right now, like I’ve always dreamed of, I would feel quite limited. Everyone around me would be….exploring? And I would be using the internet my whole life and still not have an idea of what male genitalia looked like. Eh. Nothing like living to my truth :/

If I were more like Mom, I would always think that everyone had ulterior motives and figure out who’s good/bad just by one look XD

When I have kids, I have to make sure they have a social life, unlike me. I could never allow them to turn into the OCD vegetable I am now. I would feel absolutely guilty if my children had an inch of my problems, I would feel I have failed as a mother. I know people say raising kids is difficult, but from a young age I have always wanted kids. I was once crazy for them XD No, not for siblings, but to raise a little one โค But not now though, because I don’t have time for silly fantasies like that without even being married and not having to….go through…baby-making? That was me before. I once wanted to adopt. But now I am more concerned over my lack of desire for studying :3

In this series, I open my heart more; I will share some of my deepest thoughts. I will put these in the rants categories ๐Ÿ˜ฎ These will be a bit messy as I share my thoughts as they come. This will be my totally imperfect, vulnerable side other than the happy bubbly person you guys see, thatโ€™s also a part of me, but this is the secret (not so secret anymore) part of me. Please donโ€™t judge, these are simply my thoughts expressed openly. If you donโ€™t like them, what are you doing here?


22 thoughts on “Vulnerability #3

  1. willytyme says:

    What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful, is that how it goes? Peer pressure isn’t hypnotic because if my friends were playing on the freeway I could easily refuse. I was told all good decision come when the time presents itself, as naive as I be I do believe that to true and so should you. Stay beautiful, stay innocent, it’s rather cute. ;o)

  2. sonofabeach96 says:

    Don’t feel like you “have” to do anything you don’t want, regardless of peer pressure. I’m a guy, and as such, felt the pressure to “hook up” with girls the way a lot of my friends did. I may be rare, but I never really cared about sex for the sake of sex. It means more than that, there has to be a connection. I’m 46 but have only been with 4 women in my life. I’ve been with my wife for 23 years. When you meet the right person, you’re inexperience and lack of partners won’t matter at all. You can have a world of experience open up to you WITH them. Having numerous lovers is less important than having the right ones, just my humble opinion.

  3. babysteps22 says:

    My grandmother used to tell me that everyone in the world had ulterior motives that they won’t disclose until the time comes. It’s such a creepy thing to tell a 8 year old girl. My grandmother also felt that no one can truly be a friend and it’s all just a sham! Nothing but blood will matter in the end. It’s absolute bogus! I’m not in touch with her at all, a conscious decision I haven’t regretted till now. I’m still trying to wipe all the natural distrust that I have that was fed to me on a regular basis!
    Now to make things a little lighter, I see male genitals almost every day of my life. You won’t believe the number of people that prefer to pee on the middle of the street here. :$

    • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

      It must have been hard being raised like that. I know it was for me ๐Ÿ˜ฃ People per in the street here too. I have Sen then doing it al my life but they can cover themselves well here ๐Ÿ˜‚ TmDamn!

      • babysteps22 says:

        It feels blissful now that I have distanced myself from her! Aww, lucky you! Nobody bothers with covering themselves up here. Atleast not as much as wanting to relieve their bladder in the middle of a crowded steeet. ๐Ÿ˜›

  4. Miss Evelyn says:

    I think America is like any other modernized country. Not everyone is “exploring” or “promiscuous.”You still have the cliches and groups. Of course peer pressure is predominant. You feel pressured to do something just because the media is showing it or because your “friends” are doing it. I believe relationships are pretty much the same as we are all human beings with the same needs and wants.

    • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

      . Yeah I know about those groups. I think I heard of a group called ‘clean teen’s I would probably belong there ๐Ÿ˜‚ But I also know I am pretty influenced by modern life because….. it feels freer too and also yeah the peer pressure thing is what worroes me. I am still trying to raise my self esteem here ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ฅ

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