Rant: 14/7/15 (Honest rant on Appearance)

F*ck.

I can’t accept myself. And please don’t tell me to accept myself. Accepting the self can’t be an on/off button that I can push immediately to change. And no one’s perfect at anything. So I also guess no one is perfect at accepting themselves too, yes, there will always be something to be unhappy about because life is two sides of a coin. But I like to focus on the bad side because habits die hard.

Every freakin’ day I look at my breasts and think, “Why!? Why the fck aren’t you freakin’ growing you dumb btch!?” And then I look at a women with smaller boobs and I think to myself, “Haha. I got them bigger! :P” while I stand around with my usual poker-face. Yes, I am being honest about my thought-process. My Mon is freakish.

I’ve decided that in the month of July, I would write less. So, what has prompted me to write a long post today? It’s blood.

Blood!

OK, I am making no sense. And I will attempt to make no further sense now.

Today I went to the saloon to cut my hair short for this unbearable summer-time. I don’t like cutting my hair but I have to for the summer. Besides, I covered my hair all the time anyway so no need to look prett(ier?)y. And I thought of getting a facial because facials are relaxing and fun. But my Mom, even when I insisted I get a facial with my own money, wouldn’t let me. Instead I only went for the black-heads removal treatment. It’s a tough treatment. They push a needle and push it around my face to get rid of all the blackhead I have :I The last time I had it, I cried a lot in it’s pain. And I can handle physical pain pretty good, mind you. I once had burning hot water accidentally poured over my leg and I didn’t scream, even though it hurt a lot and turned blue-purple for a whole week and pained everything something touched it. Oh wait. The treatment. So, I cried at being poked but it was my choice anyway.

And I had one today and it was even more painful because I’ve had more black-heads growing making my nose look browinsh. And I just cried and cried and cried throughout the process. I breathed deeply and hard. It was SO painful. I couldn’t believe my nose didn’t bleed. I have to get this done three more times to get the blackheads out. So…..while this was happening, I just thought, “Why!? Why do I want to look pretty for a man? Why? What will a man do for me as I go through hell like this? Will a guy even cook for himself while get a bloody nose?” Lots of other thoughts went while this happened. I wanted to stop but I convinced myself that it would be over soon. “Soon! Soon! Bear with it, already!”

I’ve almost never cried in times of pain. I’ve had a lot of flesh even torn away from my legs, at the age of 10 when I fell down and scraped my need very hard. This mark is still on my skin right there. But I’ve never had SO much pain (not that I remember).

So I wet my dress with my tears……..

And then I go on and call myself a feminist. I sexualize my body. I have to LOOK a CERTAIN way. I have to have brighter skin, sharper nose and the list goes on forever. I am crazy. I am crazy.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

Ugh. That had to be said.

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29 thoughts on “Rant: 14/7/15 (Honest rant on Appearance)

  1. willytyme says:

    Beauty is viewed through the eyes of a male and female differently in some ways. Women views on beauty is based on inner beauty, personality and humor. Mens perspectives are outer beauty, not all but a majority of men think that way which is why they are idiots. Love doesn’t know looks and if someone loves you, they will love you for who you are, not what you can make yourself look like. It’s okay to want your body to develop at a rapid pace, or have smooth silky skin but you have to want those things for you and not to land on a magazine cover so men can notice you more. Women where I live complain about being oogled at by men but yet they go out of their way to try to induce it, I don’t get it. You can’t hope someone grows to appreciate you when you don’t appreciate yourself lovely, love yourself and the rest will fall into place. And you are beautiful, no matter what you or they say and the fact that you can say that super long word already makes you better than most. ;o) Beauty hurts if you’re not doing it for yourself.

  2. miusho says:

    I don’t think you’re crazy. And I don’t think it’s wrong to want to look good. You should see me going crazy about hair on my face. It took me years to stop myself from plucking at my eyebrows to make them look thinner.. Beauty is to you what you make it to be. If you want to suffer pain to have clearer skin, so be it. That’s your choice entirely. ๐Ÿ˜›
    I don’t think trying to fit some social norm is a good thing though. If you want to look good, you should focus on looking good on your own terms, as good as YOU can towards your own ideals, not some unattainable unrealistic norm from which you know it’s just photoshopped..

    Comparing is a human thing so don’t feel too bad about it. I try not to but, I do it as well. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

    • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

      Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve been listening to people saying to be beautiful for yourself but I thought that was fake because I thought looks are for “looking”. Now, I just need to know if I actually “want” to be pretty. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

      • miusho says:

        Well. I think you’re a beautiful person already. You’re nice, sweet and funny, trying your hardest at life, with all your problems. The question is more.. Do you want to be pretty according to society or do you want to feel beautiful according to yourself?

        And looks aren’t just for “looking” I think. I wish society didn’t just base things on how you look.. “You’re either ugly and a failure or beautiful and successful.” is how it sounds and that’s just wrong. :/ I could give a huge rant about how beauty is forced but I’ll keep that for a later date. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

        Thank you, Muisho ๐Ÿ™‚ Yeah, I sometimes wished I appreciated my personality but…..there’s a huge rant on this too I want to save for later XD I guess there’s just no end with me. I will keep being unsatisfied. Although I have matured and stopped caring about a lot of things. But it’s a journey, a freak-show journey. Yeah. I need to be less hard on myself ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

      • miusho says:

        Well, the real “change” happens between the age of 20 and 25.. That’s when you mature the most. So, you have time. ๐Ÿ˜‰
        Just take your time with “growing up”, changing your personal view from years and years needs years and years of time to be reshaped. It will never happen in 1 2 3.. Just don’t become too rude like I am sometimes. That’s not good either. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

  3. Tea Is For Tina says:

    You are allowed to look nice, and make yourself feel fresh and have great skin and feel pretty and call yourself a feminist ๐Ÿ™‚ Why can’t it be for you and not for a man? Spots can hurt, are frustrating, and need to be dealt with either way.
    You don’t have to grow your underarm hair and sport a terrible hairstyle to believe in equal rights ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

      I know. But it’s not really anything for me. I don’t think looking “pretty” is never for the self for anyone, honestly. I think “pretty” is to look better for others because no one would really bother with looks if the word “pretty” didn’t exist :I Agh. This is just how I think, it’s very limited thinking but I just wouldn’t care if the word “pretty” didn’t exist. Argh.

      Sorry, I just have all these pent up emotions about it. Thank you for the support *hugs* ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

        I just read what I wrote to you and realized I really need to look beyond being “pretty” for others ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Maybe I can find something beautiful about myself and not for others ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Tea Is For Tina says:

        I definitely agree ๐Ÿ™‚ Confidence goes a long way. I feel pretty confident in myself, but know I still have things to do to work towards being a better version of myself.

      • Tea Is For Tina says:

        I do get where you’re coming from. Like the idea itself is odd, and we’d have no idea without seeing others etc how people should/could look. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be found attractive and enhancing what you already have. Men do it too, in the way that they dress, or whether or not they shave etc. What I don’t really like is when somebody completely hides and has fake everything! That’s not enhancing, that’s changing.
        I think when things like cosmetic surgery etc. start to take off, then there’s a bit more of an issue. I definitely think skincare is important though, all self care is.
        No worries, I understand where you’re coming from, and it’s a difficult concept. I don’t wear make up most days, but do like it sometimes (it’s art, dammit!).

      • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

        That’s a nice comparison! Enhancing and Beautification. It indeed is a difficult concept but I guess because of social conditioning, we never really had a mind of our own about what we individually find beautiful. Or what beauty even meant. Society has it’s standards, but perhaps the standards of our own self could simply be looking healthy and clean and fresh. Or it could mean something else. We’ve just lost our ways with beautifying :I

      • Tea Is For Tina says:

        It’s true, we were doomed from the start! But sometimes you find someone or something beautiful that others might find horrifying – for example some people find spiders beautiful and I cannot bear to look at them! Some people do their eyebrows and I personally think they look bad, but that person clearly likes them like that and feels ‘pretty’ with them like that. We do sort of have our own opinions. ‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ is said time and time again for a reason ๐Ÿ™‚ Just have to figure out what you like and want for yourself x

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