Excerpts from great articles.
People and situations that lower your self esteem are bad for your mental well being…..
If people want to argue then let them. We do not have to argue back. We can just tell them that we have made our decision and it is based on what it best for us.
Here are some examples of appropriate boundaries for an adult….
..I will not stay in a relationship with someone who makes me feel afraid in any way
..I will not stay in a relationship with someone who does not listen to my thoughts, feelings or opinions
..I will evaluate people by their actions, not by what they say….
Try making a list and adding to it every few days or weeks….
Having your list of boundaries will help you to be alerted to the fact that someone is taking advantage of you or making you do things that you really do not want to do….
You should have been allowed to draw boundaries that were reasonable and those boundaries should have been respected by your parents…..
In some abusive households the child or teenager is not given the right to make choices and have opinions…you may even have trouble accessing your opinion at all…
People with toxic personalities will prey on those that have People Pleaser Syndrome.
They might say…
“You get upset about everything”
“We have to work together” (are they working together with you, or using you?)……
We really need your help. Everyone else is busy. (your time is less important that the other people who said no / they have more of a right to say “no” than you do)
They see the child as an extension of themselves and property that they have every right to abuse as they see fit.
This need for approval and love was not gratified as a child, and there is still a longing for approval from others.
People can approve of your actions because your actions meet their own agenda. This does not necessarily mean that they love you, or even like you…..
No one needs to have their way all the time, while they ignore your feelings…….
You will never get your love and approval needs met from people that only care about their own agenda….
In the mean time, there may be other people in your life that are feeling starved of your love and attention….
Only someone with extreme patience, tolerance, and a willingness to extend themselves to the toxic person, would be a victim of abuse.
Narcissists and other abuser do not try to choose targets that lack empathy, or a sense of fairness. They seek out the most kind, and compassionate people to target.
That is why it will help you to take personal notes. Write down what you said and exactly what they said in response.
If you are on the phone, you can do this with a pen and paper during the conversation. If the interaction is in person, then take notes when you have privacy to write them….
You can find inconsistencies and gaslighting tactics this way.
Is their situation that they are asking for help with, really as desperate as they are telling you?…
Are they willing to compromise?…
Do they care if or how much they inconvenience you?..
Are they using guilt tripping , rather that letting you communicate your feeling and thoughts?
.Are they open to suggestions from you, about other ways to solve their problem?
There are people that actively seek “people pleasers” in order that they can subject their will upon them….
People pleasers try to avoid confrontation that makes them feel guilt or shame. Abusive personalities will sense this about you and deliberately force you into anxiety, in order to manipulate you…
You may be around many good people in your situations, but it only takes one person to really injure you…
You have a right to your….self esteem.
Depression is like an alternate reality. A dark reality that surrounds us that no one else can see……They point things out to us about our lives that we should be thankful for and tell us to snap out of it.
Social anxiety, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder and other mental illnesses are usually conditioned responses that were caused by our brains trying to protect themselves.