Realizing my Worth

Dear Mon,

Mothers know best but I don’t think they can “do” best. Yes, my mother cooks for me, but I recently realized that she SHOULD or else how else would I live? All this time I have been guilty for making her cook for me. (Cooking IS the only thing she does, all the others tasks are done by the maid in our house). I have seen other Mothers dealing with their daughters with love that is saner and not-physically abusive. Does that mean they hate their daughters? No, that’s love too.

My Mother does love me, but I realized, that since she brought me into this world, she HAD the responsibility to cook for me, to keep me alive and to NOT make me feel guilty all these years for being fed.

Whenever I tell Mom to be gentle with me, she gaslights. She doesn’t focus on the beating part but rather changes the subject to, “I FED YOU!”

I know you fed me. All mothers do that to their children, and I love you too, that you know very much because I’ve always been soft-spoken with you and sweet with you. But what did I do to be seen as a property?

To be seen as something that has is beaten to “mold into the perfect shape”? I think she has a “superiority” and “control” issues and she hates having to lose that power. She knows very well that I listen, she just wants me to be in her control and not feel like there’s something wrong about getting abused by guilting me about being alive for her cooking.

It’s a sad feeling when you grow up and all you wish is to not deserve to be beaten and be able to live for yourself and not having to owe someone all the time for them cooking for you.

I thought I understood her love, and I did! But I also understood her neurotic need for power over me like I am a property with little or no boundaries.

I am sorry your Mother treated you like that and it’s hard for me to see the bad in a family member but it took years for me to finally see my worth as an individual human being and not a slave that had to owe back to his master; getting beaten for doing wrong, because the master owns him anyway.

I know this sounds hard, but this is what I believe now.

Grow stronger.

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