Crying is Self-respect

Mom beat me, well, more like pulled the side of my arms where my veins are located and was all, “If you do this, your veins might tear and then you will start crying like, “Wahh! Mom beats me, She pulled my veins” again”. Do you know why this even happened?

I was interviewing Mom and recording it on my phone. She knew it and we joked around with the interviews and I told her I would post it in the blog. That was alright with her. But the mobile wasn’t charged enough and since Dad’s phone had more charging endurance, I said I would bring that one to record our interview.

“No, don’t do it. It’s his official phone. Other people might see it”

“No. I will use bluetooth to send the recording to my phone and then delete the recording from Dad’s phone”

“Don’t do it”

“I WILL delete it. Pss just be glad I am not like most teenagers and sit around doing this stuff,” I said it as I got up and then that happened.

I cried like HELL. Of course, I didn’t show it to Mom, my tears I mean. Then she will be all, “Please forgive me, forgive me,”. I have no interest to make her feel better. So I cried quietly. Apparently crying to her doesn’t help, like the last time. But Mom knew I was sad from my dull face. And, having her ego, she wouldn’t apologize but instead started singing lightly in order to “lighten” the environment.

Anyhow. Crying.

If it was me long before, I would have thought this was nothing. It was something Mom NEEDED and HAD to do. So I wouldn’t cry, I wouldn’t even take it seriously.

But now I do.

I think crying is strength because it’s my inner self telling me I deserve better. And I wouldn’t know I deserved better if I hadn’t had self-respect…..the little bit I have right now. Although crying in vulnerable situations where your enemy might take advantage of you by seeing your weakness can be bad, Yes, crying is strength, but not in the wrong situation. If I started crying in front of my Mom, hell, I would’ve been lying like, “Yes, yes yes, I forgive you. Why don’t you believe me?” in order to make her stop.

But crying is good. It is release. It makes you grow a little wiser. Makes you focus on what’s important. Connects you with your inner-self with what I truly deserve or not.

But I am an idiot. Like always, like my Mother, I will soon forget this happened. Well…not forget but not take the past seriously anymore. But I am just starting to realize my worth because I cried. I have started crying recently because of what Mom did.

I still feel guilty because I think Mom sacrifices a lot.

But I cried too.

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46 thoughts on “Crying is Self-respect

  1. spykeyone says:

    That was a very cool piece. I cried a lot in a therapy session today. It was very cathartic. The topic came up about how I felt generally and about a recent visit to my parents. Did they damage me? No. They were/are fantastic parents. Couldn’t ask for better. So why are you so angry now? I wish I knew. They don’t deserve me. – Very telling. How do feel right now? I want to pin you up against the wall and head-butt you. Make you bleed. Crunch your bones. – So why don’t you? – My mum taught me better. *crying now*

    • Mon โ˜  says:

      Thank you, Spy ๐Ÿ™‚ Yeah, therapy can get intnse with the Doc’s questions that I end up crying ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Sometimes he gets “too” to the point ๐Ÿ˜ฎ I totally understand the mixed up feeling about parents. At one time I think, yeah, they gave me everything I needed. And then another time I wish I got more and it feels guilty and stupid. It is horrid what they can get you to feel. How they try to teach you a way but can’t practice what they preach *Sighs*. I am sorry I totally get it ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  2. google says:

    I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this
    post was good. I do not know who you are but definitely you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already ๐Ÿ˜‰ Cheers!

  3. missmonsoon says:

    Mon’ You are from an asian family aren’t you? if it is, i understand u. M on the same page. I’m 22 and now just recently mom has stopped using her fist to stop the fight we have. And crying silently i know that too. All these years of life idk anyone who has sacrificed as much as my mom has and still does and yet all these years i also don’t know anyone who would never understand her daughter. But she is mom, and yet everything she does and want from me is out of love and nothing else…atleast that much i have understood ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

      Hello, Miss-Monsoon ๐Ÿ™‚

      I am sorry it happened to you, too. I agree that Mothers know best but I don’t think they “do” best. Yes, my mother cooks for me, but I recently realized that she is supposed to, or else how else would I live? I have seen other Mothers dealing with their daughters with love that is saner and not-physically abusive- does that mean they hate their daughters? Know, that’s love.

      My Mother does love me, but I realized, that since she brought me into this world, she HAD the responsibility to cook for me, to keep me alive and to NOT make me feel guilty all these years for being fed.

      Whenever I tell Mom to be gentle with me, she gaslights. She doesn’t focus on the beating part but rather changes the subject to, “I FED YOU!”

      I know you fed me. All mothers do that to their children, and I love you too, that you know very much because I’ve always been soft-spoken with you and sweet with you. But what did I do to be seen as a property?

      To be seen as something that has to be beaten to be “mold into the perfect shape”? I think she has a “superiority” and “control” issues and she hates having to lose that power. She knows very well that I listen, she just wantes me to be in her control and not feel bad about beaten by guilting me into being alive for her cooking.

      It’s a sad feeling when you grow up and all you wish is to not deserve to be beaten and be able to live for yourself and not having to owe someone all the time for them cooking for you.

      I thought I understood her love, and I did! But I also understood her neurotic need for power over me like I am a property with little or no boundaries.

      I am sorry your Mother treated you like that and it’s hard for me to see the bad in a family member but it took years for me to finally see my own worth as an individual human being and not a slave that had to owe back to his master and get beaten for doing wrong, because the mater owns him anyway.

      I know this sounds hard, but this is what I believe now.

      • missmonsoon says:

        yes you are right. We were brought up in a way wher we had to be heated, beaten and cooled down to mold us in a shape and yes it is pathetic. And even more depressing is to know that its our mom above all people. I always thought my mom treated me as a “beautiful crystal frame” that she loves to show everyone and not as a daughter. she always wanted me to be the best. and when i was little she would punish me because i came second. her expectations was really high. i couln’t explain the emotional torture to anyone coz none of my friends would understan that..becoz its me talking against my mom and i used to sound pathethic pointing her out. And yah its pointless to try and explain if your mother is like me.. but i think now i have come to a point in my life where i see her way..my mom saw herself in me everytime, through me she wants to live. yes the decision should always be yours but she does love you. And she doesn’t want you to be at that point where she stood ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Pam Witzemann says:

    It’s good that you can experience and release your emotional pain by crying. I was an abused kid too and at twelve, I quit crying for myself. I’m an old lady now and though its easy for me to cry for others, I have a hard time emotionally experiencing my own pain. When something happens to me, I have to watch a movie or read about someone’s else’s experience in order to cry for me. So…keep crying, it will help you heal faster.

    • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

      Thank you, Pam ๐Ÿ™‚ Yes, I hope we all can learn to do that instead of hurting inside quietly. It’s simply biological waterworks from emotional-pain, but we tend to pin extra things to it like “vulnerable” “pathetic”, etc It’s time to start detaching such labels and listen to what our inner self is telling us about what it wants and not. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. willytyme says:

    Crying is strength, it takes a strong person to cry, believe you me. You are a strong person for releasing your tears, never feel you have to hold back for anyone whether it’s your mom, dad or your enemy. Crying releases a barrage of emotions that will help you overcome the most difficult situations. Good for you, you a braver than most.

    • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

      Yes ๐Ÿ™‚ But sometimes, I don’t think it will be a very smart thing to do. For example, in some cases if you have to protect yourself and your enemy a false sense that you can survive from them. When you can’t let them know it for your own safety that is.

      Thank you, Willy! ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. luckyotter says:

    Good post. Crying is underrated. It was beaten out of me so it’s hard for me to cry. But when I do, it’s always a huge release and I feel better. Thank you.

  7. babysteps22 says:

    My dad brought me up since my mom was mostly sick when I was a kid. While he is an amazing father, he’s weird around tears. So I always felt that crying was a sign of weakness and a desperate move for attention. Even now, at the age of 20 I only cry in private no matter how terrible I feel when the incident takes place in public. Good for you to embrace that about yourself ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m still getting there!

    • Mon (is a Girl's Name) says:

      P.S I replied from a mobile phone yesterday and it was difficult to type the message so my answer was shorter, but I wanted to reply fast to you ๐Ÿ™‚

      I am sorry about your Mother. It’s understandable why your Dad thought so, and I think so too, as long as it isn’t in situations that might harm you, I think it’s OK to cry. I simply embraced the thought of it. I have to learn to cry in public, too. It’s a long journey, but I will get there, and you too โค

      • babysteps22 says:

        That’s so sweet of you! ๐Ÿ™‚
        My mom’s health is so much better now! ๐Ÿ™‚ Crying in public is a huge leap for me. For now I’ll try not to feel so weak and pathetic after sobbing privately. Little steps each day ๐Ÿ™‚ We will definitely get there without a doubt!

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