Rant: 22/6/12 (I am a dork)

“Mon! You are so sweet! So adorable! So funny!”

To me  I am just Mon The Builder, I mean, dork. Mon the dork. (Can we fix it!? Mooooon the builder. Yes we can! Mon and her mind, have so much fun. Working together, they get thinking done!)

When it’s other people to judge, I am not so negative. I tell myself, “OK, why? Why am I so negative to myself but not that same extent to other people?” I base my self-worth on how I do things (which is nothing), how well I do things (how well does one do “Nothing”? I can’t measure it!) and how much I do things for myself (Hey ma, nothin’ little nothing!).

I also base my self-worth on how good I look. I may be a feminist, but I am not a good one. I still sexualize my face as this object that needs to be attractive to people (just my face, but to my husband, even more I believe). To be painfully honest, I even think about my boob size. It isn’t even proportionally distributed like the average Bengali’s girl. Mine is just wide spread widely and this, not as big as I want it to be. Everyday, I look at the mirror and compare my chest to that of the image I hold of the ideal Bengali woman. I know the basic rights of men and women. I know they shouldn’t be sexualized. But when you hear a particular female singer say, “I got ALL the right junk in ALL the right places.” It makes you think about yourself.

And no matter how much someone says you are beautiful on the inside, you know that’s not what’s what the world wants. The world makes place for people with fame and money. Beauty is associated with fame IMO because, come on! If anyone is beautiful in a small town, you bet they’d be famous there.

And no matter how many people say plastic surgery is stupid, you know they will feel pathetic too if they had something to feel distressed about themselves. They may not have it now. But I can probably cause them to have one if they keep telling this is shit because they haven’t dealt with this. How can they be judgmental without having the experience themselves? No, I haven’t had surgery. But that doesn’t mean I am not empathetic to peple who had to have surgery to feel better about themselves.

Experience, I say, is BEYOND words. And we are taught words mostly. If we don’t know the proper words, we can’t get a decent paying job. That’s how the economy works, IMO And that’s how unsolicited advice and judgment among people works too. Oh wait. The topic was on my dorkiness, Yeah. I am a dork. I don’t work. I feel like a 12 year old with 7 years extra experience of life (Tomorrow is my 19th birthday!). I feel younger when I see most kids (I mean, you HAVE to feel younger to kids nowadays.  Most ‘o them know UN-inoncent shit and words you haven’t even heard of). Comment with your favorite food and nothing more. I guess what I am saying is, when you aren’t the person living the life for the other people, you judge them more positively. When you’re living for yourself and you are your own complete responsibility and you want the best for yourself, you get a tad bit negative.

And now: Enjoy these picture of a pregnant goat I found on the street——>


8 thoughts on “Rant: 22/6/12 (I am a dork)

  1. miusho says:

    The world is indeed focussed on beauty. Which is why I don’t follow fads, read fashion magazines or watch TV.. Or follow fashion.. Things change too much, too fast..
    But, Mon. Did you know sensitive people are harsher on themselves than on to others? When I started working I became a bit more selfish with my feelings. But.. I’m also older so it might just be age…

    • Mon says:

      Yep. Maybe I should stop watching T.V, too. but my Dad got the Big Screen just when I was watching less T.V. Yes, I do believe I will learn to handle myself better with age. I need to learn to be selfish and keep an eye on the “Self” more :I

      Thank you, Lovely ❤

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