My Mom can never be happy with me. There’s no worse feeling than feeling like you’re disappointing your own parents.
Let’s just say that I learnt from Mom about being jokey all the time. A lot of times when I was serious, Mom would just joke around, like that time during the earthquake. Mom is a VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY angry person. But as I grew older, as I grew taller, I felt more independent and more “shielded” from her hurt, physically and mentally. She wouldn’t dare beat me like she did as I grew taller- I might never even visit her when she grows old and I am married- I know that’s obviously why.
A lot of times when Mom asks me to do something I seriously-and-at-the-same-time-jokingly say, “No!” if something seems necessary to me, I do it. I have been doing it for a while, saying “No” this way, I mean. And last time she went nuts. She squeezed my abdomen and it hurt.
I am still feeling havy. I can’t believe Mom beat me again. It’s obviously my fault. I act like we are this great family. I am always jokey. And no matter how much Mom says it was an “accident”, yeah, like I’ll believe it. You ANGRY son-of-a-not-angry-mom.
I cried so much. I cried and cried and cried. Of course, at first Mom didn’t even understand why I was crying. I was hiding myself perfectly, secretly crying in the bathroom, until Mom came knocking the door in this awfully noisily way. Obviously she thought I was doing something terrible like “suicide” (I wasn’t. She thought so because I am an incredibly sensitive person, and she didn’t know what I might be onto at any given moment) but I had to open the door and she saw my hideous snotty face full of tears.
Mom, being the forceful angry Mother she is, just wouldn’t even let me even walk. She was blocking my path to forgive her. Is this how you forgive someone? You forgive them until they give you side to walk across? And I started crying some more and she told me to be quiet because Dad might hear me. I understand why she did it, I wouldn’t want Dad to hear me either. If Dad hears that Mom made me cry, and hating Mom himself, he is going to start another family argument and Mom wouldn’t help herself and be calm about all the silly things Dad says so I have to agree with her, only because she can’t handle herself. Then I, as quietly a I could between my sobbing, told her, “Mom, I don’t have the energy for this. I want to go to bed”.
I didn’t know it then but she actually had the decency to not block my path and let me walk.
I thought She can do anything but can I not grieve in my own way? Does she think I’ll be all, “Mommy, I love you so much for beating me for joking around with you. There’s no need to even forgive you, love ya! Hehe :D”.
And then I was in bed crying. I was even crying for feeling guilty for making Mom sad as I say her sobbing while she prayed. I thought Can I not ever think for myself? Do I also have to feel guilty for her? What the f*ck is wrong with me? Why am I SO mental?
She came to bed with me and started disturbing me. She wouldn’t let me sleep. I always tried too put my arms around Mom but not being a touchy-feely person herself, she would drive me away. SO last night she was being all touchy-feely…..but forcefully. I didn’t want to move but she put my unwilling hands over her and kept telling me to forgive her, how sorry she was. AND THEN she started joking. Oh my goodness. She has no…nevermind. So I was there crying and soon she realized it was a wrong time to joke about my crying. And then she started apolozising again and kept telling me to forgive her. I just wanted to deal with this my own way.
Remember how I said in one of my posts that Mom said she forgot ever beating me in my childhood? Guess what. She didn’t. THEN she started telling me, “Oh, Mon. It’s not like I beat you the way I did when you were a kid”.
Are. You. Serious?
Anyway as I became calmer, I made a mental note to not forget anything someone does to me. When someone does me wrong, it tends to just “fade away” from my mind and I become all happy-go-lucky and other sh*t like that. I have to write any wrong done to me. My leaky-bucket memory is no use.
I know, being an idiot, I will soon get jokey with Mom again. Happy and other sh*t. And I can’t handle myself- I am just an idiot who LOVES forgetting. But at least all this is written now, here.
Anyway, after Mom told me about beating me as a child and kept telling me to forgive her. I was like, “OK, yeah I forgive you”. Or else, how was I supposed to sleep with her whining like that?
Right now I am way calmer but I did get depressed when I woke up. And I actually forgave her. Like, I am not mad anymore. But I did learn my lesson, at least I hope I did, to not be so jokey around my Mom. Although I know I will forget about it. I don’t have just OCD, I also have another mental illness, perhaps it is called stupidity.
Anyway, being a dumb, simpleton, I just expressed all this hurt. And now feel guilty because Mom does good things for me too, like cook for me. And I am just happy to dump all this sh*t here.
I sometimes used to think Mom was lucky to have a daughter like me….and now I sometimes feel guilty about being her daughter. I just cried again after writing that last line. Last night I was becoming sad like, “Hey, I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have freedom like the men in my country. I don’t have any friends. What wrong am I doing to not deserve any of this?”