A few days left till I turn 19.
I have to make a habit. More like quit it. It is, “I don’t know what to write”.
Right now, I just read this quote- ““To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.”—Allen Ginsberg. Yeah. Easy for you to say, Allen. I have OCD and if I happen to write anything I am afraid of others reading, I won’t be able to sleep for days; it might be about something simple, but I am always afraid of writing an opinion that may be religiously wrong. When you are religious and at the same time have OCD- you might get….you know. That’s why I have a lot of things to talk about but I become afraid of saying things- even if they have nothing to do with religion, my OCD-mind will find a way to connect the ideas with religion. Sigh. It was torture back when I wrote a lot online and then for 3 years I was afraid of the things I wrote,
even though many of them I don’t even remember.
It’s stupid to give advice to someone on something very personal when you haven’t walked in their shoes. It is also stupid to ask for criticism and then not be able to take it.
I think, “Oh, Mon! Write something cool!” and then I write about….this? Yeah, I am still writing. And I can’t write the fact that I don’t know what to write. Or did I just write it?
I am sometimes afraid of people finding this blog- people who know me- and I’d be all, “Damn! They know everything. What the f*ck do I do?”
Right now, I am having a breakdown because I wrote the word “religion” and the F-word in a single post. Is this right? Do I still keep it here? Mon, let’s just keep it there, it’ll get easier to handle with exposure therapy.
Sometimes when I read a blog post, I try to….don’t laugh but…..guess the race of the author. Hey, don’t blame me! Almost everyone I meet prefers fair skin people and then there’s my twisted mind that thinks it can figure out if a blogger is Caucasian/Asian/Black just by their writing. Sometimes I see people’s gravatar and think, “Damn! I thought you were Asian/White/Black!”
It’s funny when I see fair-skinned people being more successful in fair skin advertisements. Those racist advertisements. It’s nuts. You know, no matter how racist I consider them, I also want fairer skin I think- fair=societal-acceptance=beautiful=appreciation for self. I want to be appreciated, I guess, for my looks. I want to feel special about the way I look. But I can’t just look past my limiting beliefs. I always fing tell others that they are beautiful just the way they are. I think, “Hey, I am against plastic surgery!” But then again, I haven’t had the same experiences as the person who actually had it. If they were the same as me…they WOULD be the same as me- and they aren’t. I don’t think I have anything majorly bad that had to be changed about body. Well…..what if I did? Why the actual fck is wrong with me? Judging without even trying to understand people? Anyway, back to the topic I was talking about….
Although, all the people I ever had a crush on were darker skinned than me, but I just don’t think it matters if others are dark- I like the color dark- it symbolizes strength and mystery to me. I like While, too- it symbolizes innocence and simplicity to me. And the yellow colored Asians- yellow symbolizes “cheerfulness” to me- it’s a color than stands out a lot. And then there’s me- the Asian with the skin color of poop (I actually have fun saying this. Me and Tania used to have fun saying we had the skin color of poop…..We had a little too much fun with that thought ). Poop-i-licious?
I do look very nice when a little sunlight catches my skin and it looks smooth and like it is covered in make-up. OK, I actually love my skin color VERY much and I wouldn’t trade it for anything because I am so used to this color. I just feel bad because I feel society doesn’t appreciate me for it. We all want to be appreciated; we can’t be appreciated by everyone. And appreciating the self is the hardest thing ever.