Rants: 9/6/15

OCD- how I try to organize my thoughts. Image Credit:  Stephen Topp

OCD: How I try to organize my thoughts.
Image Credit: Stephen Topp

A few days left till I turn 19.

I have to make a habit. More like quit it. It is, “I don’t know what to write”.

Right now, I just read this quote- ““To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.”—Allen Ginsberg. Yeah. Easy for you to say, Allen. I have OCD and if I happen to write anything I am afraid of others reading, I won’t be able to sleep for days; it might be about something simple, but I am always afraid of writing an opinion that may be religiously wrong. When you are religious and at the same time have OCD- you might get….you know. That’s why I have a lot of things to talk about but I become afraid of saying things- even if they have nothing to do with religion, my OCD-mind will find a way to connect the ideas with religion. Sigh. It was torture back when I wrote a lot online and then for 3 years I was afraid of the things I wrote,

even though many of them I don’t even remember.

It’s stupid to give advice to someone on something very personal when you haven’t walked in their shoes. It is also stupid to ask for criticism and then not be able to take it.

I think, “Oh, Mon! Write something cool!” and then I write about….this? Yeah, I am still writing. And I can’t write the fact that I don’t know what to write. Or did I just write it?

I am sometimes afraid of people finding this blog- people who know me- and I’d be all, “Damn! They know everything. What the f*ck do I do?”

Right now, I am having a breakdown because I wrote the word “religion” and the F-word in a single post. Is this right? Do I still keep it here? Mon, let’s just keep it there, it’ll get easier to handle with exposure therapy.

Sometimes when I read a blog post, I try to….don’t laugh but…..guess the race of the author. Hey, don’t blame me! Almost everyone I meet prefers fair skin people and then there’s my twisted mind that thinks it can figure out if a blogger is Caucasian/Asian/Black just by their writing. Sometimes I see people’s gravatar and think, “Damn! I thought you were Asian/White/Black!”

It’s funny when I see fair-skinned people being more successful in fair skin advertisements. Those racist advertisements. It’s nuts. You know, no matter how racist I consider them, I also want fairer skin o_O I think- fair=societal-acceptance=beautiful=appreciation for self. I want to be appreciated, I guess, for my looks. I want to feel special about the way I look. But I can’t just look past my limiting beliefs. I always fing tell others that they are beautiful just the way they are. I think, “Hey, I am against plastic surgery!” But then again, I haven’t had the same experiences as the person who actually had it. If they were the same as me…they WOULD be the same as me- and they aren’t. I don’t think I have anything majorly bad that had to be changed about body. Well…..what if I did? Why the actual fck is wrong with me? Judging without even trying to understand people? Anyway, back to the topic I was talking about….

Although, all the people I ever had a crush on were darker skinned than me, but I just don’t think it matters if others are dark- I like the color dark- it symbolizes strength and mystery to me. I like While, too- it symbolizes innocence and simplicity to me. And the yellow colored Asians- yellow symbolizes “cheerfulness” to me- it’s a color than stands out a lot. And then there’s me- the Asian with the skin color of poop (I actually have fun saying this. Me and Tania used to have fun saying we had the skin color of poop…..We had a little too much fun with that thought ). Poop-i-licious?

I do look very nice when a little sunlight catches my skin and it looks smooth and like it is covered in make-up. OK, I actually love my skin color VERY much and I wouldn’t trade it for anything because I am so used to this color. I just feel bad because I feel society doesn’t appreciate me for it. We all want to be appreciated; we can’t be appreciated by everyone. And appreciating the self is the hardest thing ever.

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9 thoughts on “Rants: 9/6/15

  1. 2penthrupain says:

    I’ve been told that as I get older I will care less what others think. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m trying my best. I can relate to what you say about not being sure to post things or not. I have the same challenge when we post or write comments. I always have good intentions when I do post and comment, so hopefully that comes through. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

  2. Relax says:

    I’ve taken down at least 5 blogs for all the same reasons and an extra: Who the heck wants to read what I have to say?? Maybe writing fictional things (with self and/or real people under it all) is something good for all writers to try, as well as poetry (into which so much can be said even as an observer). As for the pigments of our skin colors (or lack thereof), I think it pretty much is a Creator gift: a sun- and humidity-protective factor of the different regions in the world in which our ancestors were born. And… a happy almost-19th birthday to you!

    • Mon says:

      Aw..I am sorry about that 😦 Yeah, so much can be conveyed in those kinds of writing 🙂 I know, LOL. I listened to a TED vid on it, the wonder of a sun-screened skin heheh. It’s a gift, nothing to be ashamed of, but society seems to be :I I have to learn to forget about society

      Thanks! ❤

  3. miusho says:

    Society needs to stop labeling beauty as this or that. I’m not a model either but I stopped caring about that. I’m too pale for western beauty standards as well. Bah, all this pressure and for what? Vanity?
    -hugs- >_<

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