There are mixed messages in my brain; it is a dumpster fire. By dumpster-fire, I mean I haven’t written much- I haven’t written for so long that I am not able to process my thinking much. Hence it is a mixture of useless, dumb and helpful thoughts, on a 50-20-30 ratio. (Notice how I didn’t add dumb and useless together?)
I have pushed some useless thoughts into the deep recesses of my mind instead of regurgitating on paper them on paper. And I DO mean regurgitating them on paper- my anxiety sometimes makes my thoughts come to me over and over and so on and so forth and all that stuff, you know, redundantly (not much like this line).
Wow, looking up at the paragraphs above and just wondering how much my words don’t follow any proper structure. Other writers organize their work so well (not saying this post can be called a work, but what a piece of work this is). I really need to improve my writing. Ohhhhhhh. Fuuuuuck.
I lost my train of thoughts. But still, I don’t sound as cheerful as I did two years ago. Although, the last couple posts of 2017 did show more seriousness. Fuck I did it again.
I just looked at the ceiling and sighed. I don’t know how else to write anything regarding how f-ed up my mind got the more I didn’t write. Okay, I need to use some writing prompts. Woah. Shearhog, nervouos, self-killing and pretired. Okay, another start.
It seems that shearhog (meaning a sheep after the first sheering)really goes so well for my post here. My mind is the woolly sheep of disaster and I am trying to sheer away uselessness. But I am not succeeding. I guess not succeeding is a part of succeeding (?) because the first steps will be the hardest because those are what gets the ball rolling to get you more and more motivated for the future. Need to stooooooooop and try to figure out what’s up with my heeeeeeeaaaaadddd.
Take 4! Back again. The other prompt is ‘nervous’ and….of fuck, I need to call the store for refilling my depressants, this word just reminded me of that.
Done! Take 5! Now, I am a nervous wreck.
That’s…it. I am getting better and I am trying to forgive myself for not being able to do many of the things I expect so highly of myself to do. I need to forgive myself. The development between then and now is that, before, the thought of self-forgiveness brought anxiety to me. It made me wonder, “Ugh, why can’t I be more centered? Why do I make things harder than they need to be? This is why I can’t ever do anything worthwhile!” but now I just think, “Yep”. Yes, yeah, yea,
yeaahaw. It’s a more neutral thought instead of a self-hating one. Oh forgot the other prompts. Oh, the next one goes perfectly here. I am not as self-killing about how I think of myself 😀 No, that sounds wrong lol. Lemme check its exact definition. Oh wow, self-killing literally means killing your self. I guess that went over my head but I thought it metaphorically meant something like ‘self-sabotage’. Well, can it mean that? I need it to mean that, for this paragraph! Well, haven’t you heard people say things like, “You are killing yourself by worrying!”. Yep. Now it means that.
The other word is pretired which, I think means to retire while you’re young, like 30 or sth. I have nothing to say about this, although I am not sure if I want to retire early. Then again, I haven’t even gotten a job yet. Just living with my parents until I get married, like most others my age in south-east Asia. Although most of my peers here get jobs to have more fun and eat out with friends more than their parents would normally allow. I…..haven’t got a friend, so…yeah, imma be as lazy as I want regarding working.